Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Democrat Senators: Sorry to Those ‘We Surely Molested’

(2018-09-29) — In a joint statement today, the Democratic men of the U.S. Senate apologized to ‘all of those we surely molested during the past several decades, though we’re not aware of having done so.’

Co-signed by all male members of the Democratic caucus, including Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, the statement accepted “full responsibility for our disgusting acts that violated the trust of women in our lives. As a matter of principle, we believe the women.”

One unnamed Democratic senator said the Judiciary Committee hearing, where Christine Blasey Ford testified against Judge Brett Kavanaugh, proved that most women tell no one after suffering sexual assault or rape, and that huge numbers of women have experienced these traumatic incidents.

“Statistically speaking,” the Senator said, “each us has undoubtedly done it, probably multiple times, because we have not been accused.”

The members said they especially want to apologize “to women who will someday claim we committed such egregious acts — which we will, at that time — deny.”

“We can hardly imagine the shame and pain we will heap upon them when they publicly accuse us,” they said. “So we want to say, in advance, ‘We’re sorry that we won’t believe you. That’s not right.'”

Senator Diane Feinstein, D-CA, praised her male caucus members for their willingness to be so honest about “things that must certainly have happened, but which wouldn’t hold up in court.”

“We Democrats are always for justice in the abstract, if not in particular cases,” said Feinstein, “unless, of course, it involves someone from the other party. In which case the abstract suddenly becomes concrete, as it should.”

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Beto Committed: 6-Years-to-Life in Senate

(2018-09-27) — U.S. Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said he’ll serve at least six years in a federal facility that houses the U.S. Senate, maybe longer, with only occasional “time off for good behavior.”

The Democratic challenger to Sen. Ted Cruz, R-TX, used the pledge to needle his GOP opponent, implying Cruz dodges the question to keep his presidential options open.

“In one sentence: I’m committed to serving my full term,” O’Rourke said. “Departing early to run for higher office would be like leaving the scene of an accident. I could never do that ”

Rep. O’Rourke said Washington D.C. can make some men ‘intoxicated with power and craving more.’

“It’s my clear-eyed, sober, assessment that being a Senator is a staggering responsibility,” said O’Rourke. “Once you choose that road, you can’t just veer off in another direction without risk of hurting people.”

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Senators Seek Sexual-Assault Claims Against Selves

Sen. Feinstein leads Senate Judiciary Committee to seek sexual assault claims against Senators

Sen. Diane Feinstein explains the new Senate Judiciary Committee policy of seeking out sexual-assault claims against all Senators, as Chairman Charles Grassley respectfully dozes.

(2018-09-25) — In rare a display of selfless leadership and transparency in the #MeToo era, the Senate Judiciary Committee today voted unanimously to seek out allegations of sexual-assault against themselves, other members of the U.S. Senate and their staffs.

“There may be women, men, and others, out there who have kept silent for years,” said the committee’s ranking member, Sen. Diane Feinstein. “We can’t assume they would file police reports, or even share their trauma with another person, unless we proactively seek them out, and reveal their private stories…against their will, if necessary.”

Sen. Feinstein said members of the upper house of America’s legislature need to ensure that “there’s no double-standard” when it comes to Supreme Court nominees, or to Senators.

“Sexual assault allegations don’t simply surface, especially if they’ve remained hidden for decades,” the California lawmaker said. “They need to be coaxed, lured, ferreted-out and, sometimes, coerced.”

As shocking allegations against Senators come to light, the committee will immediately release them to the news media, along with statements of support, encouraging the public to believe the accusers.

“We must all stand before the American people in the bright light of truth,” Feinstein said. “As we have treated Judge Kavanaugh, so we must treat ourselves.”

To facilitate the new atmosphere of full disclosure, the committee has established a hotline, a website, an email address, and a private confessional booth staffed around the clock by Ronan Farrow.

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Hannity and Maddow Cast in Hollywood Rom-Com

Hannity and Maddow slated to star in Hollywood Rom-Com

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and FoxNew’s pundit Sean Hannity sign with Warner Bros. to star in love story ‘They Need Each Other.’

(2018-09-22) — Hollywood is abuzz at word that Warner Brothers Pictures has signed the most-watched political commentators on Fox News and MSNBC to a big-budget romantic comedy, slated for release in late 2019.

Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow will reportedly star in a love story with the working title: ‘They Need Each Other.’

Talkradio host Glenn Beck and NPR’s Cokie Roberts have allegedly signed on to draft the screenplay, and production starts during the next Congressional recess.

“With so many actors weighing in on political issues,” said an unnamed Warner executive, “casting professional pundits to act in a Hollywood film seemed natural. Focus groups were utterly swept up in the powerful chemistry between Sean and Rachel in our screen tests.”

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Kavanaugh Accuser Says Why She May Not Testify

(2018-09-19) — Christine Blasey Ford may not appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee to testify about her claim that she was sexually assaulted by a 17-year-old Brett Kavanaugh, because she’s not sure exactly when or where the hearing happens.

Ms. Blasey Ford, who wrote a detailed description of the night — some 36 years ago — when President Trump’s future Supreme Court nominee assaulted her, said she knows there is a hearing, and that it’s going to change her life forever, but she can’t pinpoint the location, or even during which month it occurs.

Speaking through her attorney, Kavanaugh’s accuser said that, even if she could get to the hearing, she doesn’t know how she would get home.

“The Senate panel should stop everything,” attorney Debra Katz said, “and delay the confirmation vote until a full criminal investigation can be completed — or until Democrats re-take the Senate, whichever comes first.”

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‘We Lost Bob’: Woodward Now Trump-Collusion Denier

(2018-09-16) — ‘Fear’ author Bob Woodward has become part of the conspiracy to conceal the collusion with Russia that won the presidency for Donald Trump.

That’s the inescapable conclusion of professional journalists and their Democrats upon hearing the famed Watergate reporter tell radio host Hugh Hewitt that, during his two year probe of the Trump administration, he “looked for it hard” but found no evidence that Trump’s campaign worked together with Russians to tilt the election result in his favor.

“We lost Bob,” said one crestfallen Washington Post reporter who requested anonymity to avoid accountability. “The icon of six generations of political reporters has fallen. He’s just a liar like Trump now. The great Bob Woodward was part of the conspiracy to defeat Hillary Clinton, and to end democracy as we know it.”

Stockholm syndrome was the initial explanation among those who knew and trusted Woodward’s professionalism. Over two years and hundreds of interviews, he must have developed a psychological alliance with his ‘captors’ in the White House and in the Trump campaign, they reasoned.

But as news of the Hewitt interview propagated on Twitter, a darker explanation took shape.

Many now believe that Woodward was “in on it from the beginning” — a willing tool of Trump’s, who wrote the book to distract from special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation.

“It’s all become clear now,” said one unnamed Democrat House member. “Just like Trump uses chaos to distract from his destructive agenda, Woodward wrote a book about White House chaos to deflect the undeniable truth that Donald Trump sits in the Oval Office at the behest of Vladimir Putin, to do his bidding.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi today promised that when she becomes Majority Leader in January 2019, “the second order of business will be to impeach Bob Woodward, and to eject him from the Democrat caucus.”

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Township Man Offers to Flip for Mueller

(2018-09-15) — In the wake of a plea deal between Robert Mueller and one-time Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, a township man said he, too, will flip for Mueller if the Special Prosecutor can take care of some unpaid parking tickets and “the small matter of some back taxes and delinquent child support.”

Official Washington and Twitter lit up like a Christmas tree upon learning that the township man, a Trump supporter, would turn state’s evidence on the leader he thought would ‘Make America Great Again.’

It’s not known whether the township man has any useful evidence against Trump, but experts say the very fact that he’s willing to make a deal is considered damning.

“This is it,” said one unnamed Washington Post reporter, who agreed to quote himself on condition of anonymity. “The president might as well roll over and expose his jugular to Mueller. When this guy starts talking, all of the things we imagine Trump must have done will finally come out. Game. Set. Match.”

As a cooperating witness, the township man said he’s willing to share what he knows about the inner workings of the Trump campaign, calling himself “a person of interest.”

“I’m definitely a person of interest — very interested in stuff like that,” he said. “I read stuff. I watch stuff. I hear stuff. I can’t say much more without jeopardizing my potential deal with Mr. Mueller.”

Rudy Giuliani, the president’s attorney, said he’s not concerned about what the man might tell the special prosecutor because the way the Trump campaign, and administration, are structured “prevents anyone from knowing anything.”

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Washington Post Fact-Checker Dies in Darkness

(2018-09-12) — The Washington Post Fact-Checker column ends its controversial run this week. Reporter Glenn Kessler will no longer try to determine “the truth behind the rhetoric,” after the publisher concluded that “facts simply don’t exist, truth seems anachronistic, and all is dank and futile in the gloaming of the age.”

“Our readers and writers long ago abandoned the notion of objective truth,” said an unsigned obituary for Kessler’s column. “What’s the point of fact-checking?”

After a three-year investigation, the Post publisher said, “We’ve found no practical way to check whether culturally-shaped, class-dependent, subjective impressions, stated in the historically-distorted language of the oppressor can be verified, or said to have more value than their categorical opposites.”

The publisher said Glenn Kessler may stay on payroll to head up the new “My Truth” bureau.

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Serena Fights For a Woman’s Right to Be a Jerk

(2018-09-10) — Legendary tennis star Serena Williams today said that her outburst on the court at the U.S. Open this weekend was an intentional part of her crucial campaign for “a woman’s right to be a jerk without consequences.”

Although Williams was fined $17,000 — from her $1.85 million prize money — for her verbal outburst at an umpire, and for throwing and smashing a racket, she said her behavior was “an historic act of civil disobedience in the great feminist struggle of our time.”

“We’ll never know what it means to be equal with a man until a woman can be a total jackwagon and escape punishment and criticism for it,” said the holder of 23 Grand Slam women’s singles titles.

Williams said little girls across the nation need to know that they can grow up to be just as inconsiderate, rude, violent and impetuous as any man.

“We need to shatter the @$$ ceiling,” she said. “I have a dream that some day our daughters, and our sons, can both become the kind of person nobody wants to play with.”

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Unknown Township Man: I’m Part of Office Resistance

(2018-09-07) — A township man today admitted that he’s part of a secret group at the office working behind-the-scenes to save the company from stupid decisions by the boss, who everyone ridicules when he’s not around.

“We in the anonymous resistance sit in meetings with the boss, and nod like a bunch of ‘yes men’,” the township man said, “but we have no intention of following through on his crazy ideas. He’s trying to bankrupt us. Idiot.”

The man said he and his colleagues are saving the company from the boss’s “incompetence, impetuousness and idiocy” by slow-walking his initiatives, wasting days on fruitless research while building pointless slide decks, misfiling documents, taking extended coffee breaks, writing long memos, and holding never-ending meetings off-site to brainstorm, often going to industry conferences to ‘network’, thus ensuring nothing ever gets done.

“If this thing goes down,” the secret conspirator said, “I want the world to know that I, and my anonymous colleagues, had nothing to do with it. Sure, I cashed the paycheck, used the healthcare and vacation days, and will retire in comfort, but I did my darnedest to resist that bozo. We are the true unsung heroes of this company, and it’s time everyone knew it.”

The township man said he decided to conceal his identity because, “I really need this job, and as bad as things are here, I’m afraid they might worse somewhere else. Plus the company stock is through the roof and I’m not yet fully vested.”

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