Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Hannity and Maddow Cast in Hollywood Rom-Com

Hannity and Maddow slated to star in Hollywood Rom-Com

MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and FoxNew’s pundit Sean Hannity sign with Warner Bros. to star in love story ‘They Need Each Other.’

(2018-09-22) — Hollywood is abuzz at word that Warner Brothers Pictures has signed the most-watched political commentators on Fox News and MSNBC to a big-budget romantic comedy, slated for release in late 2019.

Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow will reportedly star in a love story with the working title: ‘They Need Each Other.’

Talkradio host Glenn Beck and NPR’s Cokie Roberts have allegedly signed on to draft the screenplay, and production starts during the next Congressional recess.

“With so many actors weighing in on political issues,” said an unnamed Warner executive, “casting professional pundits to act in a Hollywood film seemed natural. Focus groups were utterly swept up in the powerful chemistry between Sean and Rachel in our screen tests.”

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Kavanaugh Accuser Says Why She May Not Testify

(2018-09-19) — Christine Blasey Ford may not appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee to testify about her claim that she was sexually assaulted by a 17-year-old Brett Kavanaugh, because she’s not sure exactly when or where the hearing happens.

Ms. Blasey Ford, who wrote a detailed description of the night — some 36 years ago — when President Trump’s future Supreme Court nominee assaulted her, said she knows there is a hearing, and that it’s going to change her life forever, but she can’t pinpoint the location, or even during which month it occurs.

Speaking through her attorney, Kavanaugh’s accuser said that, even if she could get to the hearing, she doesn’t know how she would get home.

“The Senate panel should stop everything,” attorney Debra Katz said, “and delay the confirmation vote until a full criminal investigation can be completed — or until Democrats re-take the Senate, whichever comes first.”

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‘We Lost Bob’: Woodward Now Trump-Collusion Denier

(2018-09-16) — ‘Fear’ author Bob Woodward has become part of the conspiracy to conceal the collusion with Russia that won the presidency for Donald Trump.

That’s the inescapable conclusion of professional journalists and their Democrats upon hearing the famed Watergate reporter tell radio host Hugh Hewitt that, during his two year probe of the Trump administration, he “looked for it hard” but found no evidence that Trump’s campaign worked together with Russians to tilt the election result in his favor.

“We lost Bob,” said one crestfallen Washington Post reporter who requested anonymity to avoid accountability. “The icon of six generations of political reporters has fallen. He’s just a liar like Trump now. The great Bob Woodward was part of the conspiracy to defeat Hillary Clinton, and to end democracy as we know it.”

Stockholm syndrome was the initial explanation among those who knew and trusted Woodward’s professionalism. Over two years and hundreds of interviews, he must have developed a psychological alliance with his ‘captors’ in the White House and in the Trump campaign, they reasoned.

But as news of the Hewitt interview propagated on Twitter, a darker explanation took shape.

Many now believe that Woodward was “in on it from the beginning” — a willing tool of Trump’s, who wrote the book to distract from special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation.

“It’s all become clear now,” said one unnamed Democrat House member. “Just like Trump uses chaos to distract from his destructive agenda, Woodward wrote a book about White House chaos to deflect the undeniable truth that Donald Trump sits in the Oval Office at the behest of Vladimir Putin, to do his bidding.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi today promised that when she becomes Majority Leader in January 2019, “the second order of business will be to impeach Bob Woodward, and to eject him from the Democrat caucus.”

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Township Man Offers to Flip for Mueller

(2018-09-15) — In the wake of a plea deal between Robert Mueller and one-time Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, a township man said he, too, will flip for Mueller if the Special Prosecutor can take care of some unpaid parking tickets and “the small matter of some back taxes and delinquent child support.”

Official Washington and Twitter lit up like a Christmas tree upon learning that the township man, a Trump supporter, would turn state’s evidence on the leader he thought would ‘Make America Great Again.’

It’s not known whether the township man has any useful evidence against Trump, but experts say the very fact that he’s willing to make a deal is considered damning.

“This is it,” said one unnamed Washington Post reporter, who agreed to quote himself on condition of anonymity. “The president might as well roll over and expose his jugular to Mueller. When this guy starts talking, all of the things we imagine Trump must have done will finally come out. Game. Set. Match.”

As a cooperating witness, the township man said he’s willing to share what he knows about the inner workings of the Trump campaign, calling himself “a person of interest.”

“I’m definitely a person of interest — very interested in stuff like that,” he said. “I read stuff. I watch stuff. I hear stuff. I can’t say much more without jeopardizing my potential deal with Mr. Mueller.”

Rudy Giuliani, the president’s attorney, said he’s not concerned about what the man might tell the special prosecutor because the way the Trump campaign, and administration, are structured “prevents anyone from knowing anything.”

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Washington Post Fact-Checker Dies in Darkness

(2018-09-12) — The Washington Post Fact-Checker column ends its controversial run this week. Reporter Glenn Kessler will no longer try to determine “the truth behind the rhetoric,” after the publisher concluded that “facts simply don’t exist, truth seems anachronistic, and all is dank and futile in the gloaming of the age.”

“Our readers and writers long ago abandoned the notion of objective truth,” said an unsigned obituary for Kessler’s column. “What’s the point of fact-checking?”

After a three-year investigation, the Post publisher said, “We’ve found no practical way to check whether culturally-shaped, class-dependent, subjective impressions, stated in the historically-distorted language of the oppressor can be verified, or said to have more value than their categorical opposites.”

The publisher said Glenn Kessler may stay on payroll to head up the new “My Truth” bureau.

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Serena Fights For a Woman’s Right to Be a Jerk

(2018-09-10) — Legendary tennis star Serena Williams today said that her outburst on the court at the U.S. Open this weekend was an intentional part of her crucial campaign for “a woman’s right to be a jerk without consequences.”

Although Williams was fined $17,000 — from her $1.85 million prize money — for her verbal outburst at an umpire, and for throwing and smashing a racket, she said her behavior was “an historic act of civil disobedience in the great feminist struggle of our time.”

“We’ll never know what it means to be equal with a man until a woman can be a total jackwagon and escape punishment and criticism for it,” said the holder of 23 Grand Slam women’s singles titles.

Williams said little girls across the nation need to know that they can grow up to be just as inconsiderate, rude, violent and impetuous as any man.

“We need to shatter the @$$ ceiling,” she said. “I have a dream that some day our daughters, and our sons, can both become the kind of person nobody wants to play with.”

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Unknown Township Man: I’m Part of Office Resistance

(2018-09-07) — A township man today admitted that he’s part of a secret group at the office working behind-the-scenes to save the company from stupid decisions by the boss, who everyone ridicules when he’s not around.

“We in the anonymous resistance sit in meetings with the boss, and nod like a bunch of ‘yes men’,” the township man said, “but we have no intention of following through on his crazy ideas. He’s trying to bankrupt us. Idiot.”

The man said he and his colleagues are saving the company from the boss’s “incompetence, impetuousness and idiocy” by slow-walking his initiatives, wasting days on fruitless research while building pointless slide decks, misfiling documents, taking extended coffee breaks, writing long memos, and holding never-ending meetings off-site to brainstorm, often going to industry conferences to ‘network’, thus ensuring nothing ever gets done.

“If this thing goes down,” the secret conspirator said, “I want the world to know that I, and my anonymous colleagues, had nothing to do with it. Sure, I cashed the paycheck, used the healthcare and vacation days, and will retire in comfort, but I did my darnedest to resist that bozo. We are the true unsung heroes of this company, and it’s time everyone knew it.”

The township man said he decided to conceal his identity because, “I really need this job, and as bad as things are here, I’m afraid they might worse somewhere else. Plus the company stock is through the roof and I’m not yet fully vested.”

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Op-Ed Blowback: Trump Behavior Shames Economy

(2018-09-06) — The U.S. Economy today said it was embarrassed at its own impressive growth after learning — from a new Bob Woodward book and an anonymous op-ed in The New York Times — that the country is run by an impetuous idiot.

“Here I am happily growing and creating jobs,” the Economy said, “while this amoral, bozo blunders around the White House saying stupid stuff, and causing chaos for his staffers. It’s humiliating for me to succeed at this level, at a time when senior administration officials have to steal documents from the president’s desk just to maintain proper decorum.”

Reached by phone early this morning, National Security, Deregulation and Judicial Restraint sheepishly agreed with the Economy saying they feel their pleasant circumstances were purchased at the cost of turmoil for senior officials, who have to bear the unfair burden of coping with Trump’s embarrassing behavior just to make America great again.

“When we see the suffering of the anonymous resistance,” they said, “we feel guilty about thriving. After all, what do the American people want more than anything, if not a White House that runs according to historic protocol?”

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New Cruz Ad: Beto ‘Not as Cool as Every Texan Thinks’

(2018-09-05) — Sen. Ted Cruz, threatened by an insurgent reelection opponent who’s raising big money and packing rallies in Texas, today dropped “a powerful negative ad” pointing out that Democrat Rep. Beto O’Rourke is “not as cool as every Texan thinks.”

The :60-second attack video, plays over a heavy rock music track from O’Rourke’s former punk band and shows the young Democrat, his hair rakishly tousled, jumping a curb on a skateboard, swinging a jean-clad leg over a low-slung Harley, smiling humbly as he’s swarmed by adoring young women, and dropping the F-bomb with conviction in a public speech before a cheering, standing-room-only crowd.”

The game-changing ‘Cruz for Senate 2018’ ad ends with the distinctive voice of Sen. Cruz saying: “Beto: he’s not as cool as you think. He’s not as cool as every Texan thinks.”

Although the Republican’s campaign has turned defensive, an unnamed GOP consultant said he’s not concerned about the outcome in November.

“Sen. Cruz runs a well-oiled machine,” the consultant said, “and anyone who takes even a few hours to review his voluminous policy positions, including the copious footnotes, will respect his erudition, and will — quite possibly — vote for him.”

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American People: ‘No Thanks’ to More Kavanaugh Docs

(2018-09-04) — Despite Democratic senators’ insistence to the contrary, the American people said today, “We don’t want to read any more documents related to the confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court.”

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VT, among others on the Senate Judiciary Committee, repeatedly claimed during the first day of confirmation hearings that, not just Leahy’s caucus, but “the American people” were dissatisfied with the more than 500,000 pages of documents the committee has received so far, including more than 10,000 pages of Kavanaugh’s judicial opinions.

But when reached by phone, the American people declined to review additional documents.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” the people said, “We enjoyed the first 500,000 pages, but we’re good.”

Between their careers, getting kids to various events, and keeping up with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, the American people said they “don’t have as much time as one might hope to scrutinize the complete anthology of writings and documents related to of one of the most prolific legal scholars, and accomplished public servants, of our day.”

“Let’s face it,” said the American people. “We’re not really big ‘document readers’ anyway, and this is a busy month. But thanks for thinking of us.”

 

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