Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Duped: Sacha Baron Cohen Apes Strzok at Hearings

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(2018-07-13) — Comic actor and prankster Sacha Baron Cohen admitted today that he appeared this week before the House Judiciary and Oversight Committees disguised as FBI agent Peter Strzok, sparking several chaotic confrontations, but leaving Congressmen none the wiser.

“We were duped,” said Rep. Trey Gowdy, after learning that the hearing was nothing but an elaborate prank to be played for laughs in Cohen’s upcoming CBS-Showtime series.

In recent days, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, former Judge Roy Moore, and former Vice President Dick Cheney have all learned they were victims of Cohen’s masquerade. But appearing before a Congressional panel may be the crown jewel among Cohen’s outlandish pranks.

“We really thought we were grilling Peter Strzok,” Gowdy said, “when in fact we were talking to a fraud, a liar, and a poseur who will do anything to humiliate Republicans, and to advance his agenda.”

Justice Kennedy to Step Down, Remain on Court

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(2018-06-28) — The Reagan Supreme Court appointee, who often served as a swing vote on landmark cases involving abortion and gay rights, Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy, announced Wednesday he would step down, and also remain on the Supreme Court.

“The desire to spend more time with family compels me to resign my lifetime appointment, though death tarries,” Kennedy, 82, wrote to President Trump. “At the same time, my duty to my country and to the Constitution compels me to stay, depriving my family of my presence. I shall do both, so help me God.”

Kennedy, a lifelong registered Republican, often drew the ire of his own partisans by siding with Left-wing justices and casting the deciding vote on key cases that changed course of the nation.

“I am who I am, and who I am not,” Kennedy told Trump. “My place at this stage in life is at home, and on the Court, and that’s neither here nor there.”

Bill Helps Trump Staffer Ejected from Restaurant

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(2018-06-25) — Just days after White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders got booted from a restaurant by its Progressive activist proprietor, House Democrats introduced a bill today aimed at ensuring she would never miss another meal.

The move would extend the Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program (SNAP) — commonly called food stamps — to include White House staff “who may not know where their next meal is coming from.”

“In a nation as wealthy as ours,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, “no one should suffer restaurant-meal uncertainty.”

While dining out, Sanders was asked to leave the premises because the owner objects to the Trump administration policy of representing people who voted for the president. But Pelosi crossed the aisle to make sure White House staffers don’t starve.

“My disagreement with the Republican party shouldn’t stand in the way of expanding a federal entitlement in precedent-setting fashion,” Pelosi added.

Photo of 2nd Crying Girl Shows Terrible Trump Toll

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Crying Child Pic Highlights Trump Era Cookie Dearth

Source: John Moore, Getty Images

(2018-06-22) — As news broke that a little girl crying at the Mexican border — seen by millions in a viral photo — was never actually separated from her mother by federal immigration agents, social media erupted with an even more distressing image of another weeping girl. The photographer who captured both pictures suggested the second child may have been reacting to Trump administration policy that deprived her of a cookie.

Getty photographer John Moore, whose iconic immigration photo appeared on the cover of Time magazine, said his new-found fame has driven him to take “more pictures that may not actually portray what’s happening at the moment, and yet do illustrate the terrible Trump toll.”

For this latest assignment, Moore said he tracked the two-year-old girl’s mother — an apparent shoplifter — inside of a grocery store for nearly an hour.

“In a stroke of luck,” Moore said, “I knelt down and snapped a series seven photos just as the toddler learned she would not immediately receive a cookie her Mom had promised as a reward if she were a good girl.”

Moore said he attributes the girl’s cookie deprivation to “the cultural norms, the deception, and the rash of broken promises fostered by Trump administration policy.”

Oftentimes…[this] is talked about in terms of statistics,” Moore said, “and when you put a human face and humanize an issue, you make people feel. And when you make people feel, they have compassion. And if I’ve done just a little bit of that, then that’s OK.

In related news, President Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, has reportedly pressed her father to issue an executive order restoring the cookie to the girl.

Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress plan to meet tonight behind closed doors for an argument about the cookie that some will later leak to the media.

Trump Orders Two Immigrants Deported for Each Arrival

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Trump orders two immigrants deported for each arrival. [ScrappleFace.com](2017-01-31) — On the heels of his Executive Order requiring elimination of two federal regulations for each new one, President Donald Trump signed an order today deporting two immigrants for each one arriving on U.S. soil.

The move should eliminate all foreign-born U.S. residents by the end of the Trump’s third presidential term.

A White House spokesman said, “At that point, the president would issue a new order deporting two second-generation Americans for each fresh immigrant — then third generation, and so on. Pretty soon, we’ll have the country whittled down to the true Americans.”

Electors Pick Popular Vote Winners Clinton, Gore

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Electoral College Awards Presidency to Hillary Clinton and Al Gore

Calm prevailed on the campus of the Electoral College before the surprising vote that overturned the November result.

(2016-12-19) — In an Electoral College upset, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were chosen over Donald Trump to serve as the 45th President of the United States.

The Chancellor of the Electoral College announced the decision shortly after 1:00 p.m. Eastern, noting that the pair of former Democratic Senators both won the popular votes for the office.

“The assembled electors felt it only fair,” said the Chancellor, “to correct an historical injustice perpetrated by the Framers of the Constitution, and to award the office to those who won the hearts and minds of We, the People.”

Although experts had predicted a perfunctory selection of Donald Trump, based on the November 8 state-by-state election results, a motivational speech by the coach of the college football team apparently swayed many electors to choose Clinton and Gore.

The electoral vote tally will now be submitted by the academic dean of the Electoral College, to the full college of cardinals for their approval on January 6, 2017.

Scalia Gone, Obama to Pick Black Lesbian Amputee Vet

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Barack_Obama_anonymous-court-nominee

President Obama is already practicing his congratulatory handshake for his Black, lesbian, double-amputee, military veteran Supreme Court nominee, played here by a White stand-in.

(2016-02-15) — Just days after the sudden death of Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, White House sources say President Obama will cast a wide net for a replacement nominee whose appointment Republicans won’t have the audacity to stall.

“The president already has in hand a short list of Black, lesbian, military veteran double-amputee jurists from which he’ll choose the eventual nominee,” according to an unnamed administration source.

Obama reportedly reviewed the list on Sunday, circled a favorite, then remarked, “Let’s see Mitch McConnell and the boys push that one to the back of the bus.”

Meanwhile, on the campaign trail, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “I applaud President Obama, our dear leader, for striving to ensure that our highest court looks more like America — and frankly, less like me — than it would if a Republican were president.

 

 

Sanders Win Spurs Billionaires’ Offer to Leave U.S.

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Billionaires will politely leave country after Sanders' election

Billionaires said it would be relatively easy for them to leave the country, if Bernie Sanders becomes president. “After all,” said one, “we have fine fleets of luxury jets, and ostentatious motor cars.”

(2016-02-02) — In the wake of Sen. Bernie Sanders’ strong showing in the Iowa caucuses Tuesday, the trade association representing America’s billionaires announced that if Sanders wins the White House they would all “just politely leave.”

“There’s no need for a revolution,” said an unnamed spokesman for the billionaires. “We’ve all agreed that it would be better for the country, and for President Sanders’ coronary health, if we just politely leave.”

Sanders, a self-designated Socialist and registered Democrat, frequently rails against income inequality, and the high cost of a college education, and says he’ll tax Wall Street speculators and billionaires to pay for solutions to all of that and more.

“Most of us, with the exception of Donald Trump, live relatively quiet lives,” the billionaire spokesman said. “But revolutions are noisy and messy, and really not our style. No hard feelings toward President Sanders. Best of luck, old chap.”

Obama on Paris: At Least We’re Not Charlie Sheen

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Bindi Irwin with Parrot

Asked about what changes President Obama will make now that his ISIS “degrade and destroy” strategy has failed to even contain the terror group, the White House released this picture of a young Bindi Irwin, as evidence of American exceptionalism. “We’ll never let the terrorists take our eyes off what really matters to us,” the president reportedly said.

(2015-11-17) — President Barack Obama, at the G-20 summit in Turkey today, said the Muslim terrorist attacks in Paris this week were a “setback, but it could be worse. We could be Charlie Sheen, and have HIV.”

Under aggressive questioning from journalists who suggested his approach to ISIS has failed, Obama repeatedly sought to put the carnage in context by comparing it with other, similar, tragedies.

“Let me be clear,” Obama said, frustration evident in his voice and body language, “The loss of life and the gruesome injuries inflicted on hundreds of people by terrorists of no particular religion is very…very disappointing. And I mean very. But how many of us would want to trade places with Tamar Braxton? One day you’re dancing with the stars, and the next you got blood clots on your lungs and you’re off the show, watching at home as that little minx, Bindi Irwin, captures America’s heart.

“What about Miranda Lambert?” Obama continued. “I mean, you think everything’s going great in your marriage, and then you find out he’s cheating on you.”

Obama, known for his steady hand as “no-drama Obama,” urged the nation to emulate him, and take the long view when it comes to fighting ISIS.

“Look,” the president said, “if ISIL…which is an acronym that stands for nothing in particular…if ISIL drives a wedge between us — between me and the reporters who’ve come to love me — well then, the terrorists have won, haven’t they?”

Rep. Boehner Retires to Spend More Time with Money

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Pope Francis with House Speaker John Boehner

House Speaker John Boehner, listens to Pope Francis this week while wiping his nose due to a persistent cassock allergy. Boehner will reportedly resign to “be there for” his money.

(2015-09-25) — House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) will reportedly resign at the end of October to spend more time with his money.

Sources close to the Republican leader said the hectic schedule of a House Speaker has made Boehner and his money feel like they’re “two ships that pass in the night,” without enough time to “linger together and nurture each other, go fishing.”

“Speaker Boehner has certainly been surrounded by other people’s money, coming and going, but it’s not the same,” an unnamed Congressional aide said. “Sometimes a man needs to say ‘Stop the world, I want to get off,’ and just hold my money, and caress it, and let the bond grow.”

For years, the source said, “money has been there for Boehner, and now he wants to be there for money.”

Boehner reportedly made the decision to resign after listening to Pope Francis speaking to a joint session of Congress about the moral hazards of capitalism. The Congressman identified with the poor and oppressed who feel locked out of the lucrative opportunities enjoyed by the wealthy few “just on the other side of that revolving door.”

“The Pope — with his gold city, global travel and obsequious servants — reminded Speaker Boehner how important it is to care for the least among us,” the source said, “and standing next to the Supreme Pontiff, he couldn’t help but feel like one of them, and believe that there must be more to this life than just spending other people’s money.”