Archive for the ‘Law’ Category

Area Man Embroils The Onion in $2 Million Lawsuit

(2018-08-15) — Just days after humor site The Onion became embroiled in a $2 million lawsuit by a former financial advisor against its parent corporation, Univision, an area man revealed that he is the majority shareholder in the firm that filed the suit, and that The Onion’s writers and editors “will see who laughs out of the other side of his face all the way to the bank now.”

The area man, who said he holds a controlling interest in GCA Advisors — the firm contracted in 2013 to prepare The Onion for sale — said he hopes the breach-of-contract suit will “give those smart-alecks their come-back and pay-uppance for a relentless campaign of disparagement and other forms of paragement toward me, and toward great average Americans like me.”

Hounded from the public square by detractors and paparazzi, the area man claims The Onion made him a special target of derision, always portraying him as a hapless dimwit.

According to his lawsuit, “Defendant [“Area Man”], due to The Onion’s violation of his privacy and of his publicity, can no longer make a reservation for a quiet night out at Luby’s Cafeteria or even at the Happy Good Moon Food Chinese Buffet, without drawing mockery about his intellect from restaurant staff speaking the broken-English language.”

“It’s not about the money or about revenge,” the area man said, “I just want $2 million, and to watch them suffer.”

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Trump Asks Dems to Push Ban on 3-D Movie Guns

(2018-08-01) — After suggesting in a Tweet that downloadable blueprints for 3-D printing of guns should be regulated or banned, President Donald Trump today reached across the aisle again calling for a total ban on guns in 3-D movies.

“Democrats should join me and ban all guns in 3-D movies,” the president said on Twitter, adding, “Crazy Hollywood actors with deadly guns in more than two dimensions – VERY dangerous.”

The White House said the president believes in reasonable movie-gun regulation, including a prohibition on guns that have the realistic appearance of length, width and depth — such as those seen through special glasses in many movie American theaters.

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Duped: Sacha Baron Cohen Apes Strzok at Hearings

(2018-07-13) — Comic actor and prankster Sacha Baron Cohen admitted today that he appeared this week before the House Judiciary and Oversight Committees disguised as FBI agent Peter Strzok, sparking several chaotic confrontations, but leaving Congressmen none the wiser.

“We were duped,” said Rep. Trey Gowdy, after learning that the hearing was nothing but an elaborate prank to be played for laughs in Cohen’s upcoming CBS-Showtime series.

In recent days, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, former Judge Roy Moore, and former Vice President Dick Cheney have all learned they were victims of Cohen’s masquerade. But appearing before a Congressional panel may be the crown jewel among Cohen’s outlandish pranks.

“We really thought we were grilling Peter Strzok,” Gowdy said, “when in fact we were talking to a fraud, a liar, and a poseur who will do anything to humiliate Republicans, and to advance his agenda.”

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Schumer to Stall Trump Pick Until GOP Sweep

(2018-07-10) — Senate Democrats said they’ll stall confirmation of President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kanavanaugh, until Republicans capture a filibuster-proof majority in the November elections.

“Judge Kavanaugh, a great scholar whose respect for the law and the Constitution, and whose clear writing, have earned him praise across the political spectrum, is, nevertheless Trump’s nominee,” said Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, D-NY. “He must therefore be opposed until the last swing-state Democrat loses.”

Schumer said his party is committed to the unfinished work of Hillary Clinton, who lost to Trump despite the clear choice the two offered on the abortion issue.

“America has spoken,” said Schumer, “but America was wrong. Our plan is to offer America the 2016 choice again this fall, but this time with the economy growing, unemployment — especially among minorities — at historic lows, and taxes on the decline.”

“If that doesn’t work,” he added, “then we’ll keep the Hillary hope alive until the end of Trump’s second term.”

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Justice Kennedy to Step Down, Remain on Court

(2018-06-28) — The Reagan Supreme Court appointee, who often served as a swing vote on landmark cases involving abortion and gay rights, Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy, announced Wednesday he would step down, and also remain on the Supreme Court.

“The desire to spend more time with family compels me to resign my lifetime appointment, though death tarries,” Kennedy, 82, wrote to President Trump. “At the same time, my duty to my country and to the Constitution compels me to stay, depriving my family of my presence. I shall do both, so help me God.”

Kennedy, a lifelong registered Republican, often drew the ire of his own partisans by siding with Left-wing justices and casting the deciding vote on key cases that changed course of the nation.

“I am who I am, and who I am not,” Kennedy told Trump. “My place at this stage in life is at home, and on the Court, and that’s neither here nor there.”

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Scalia Gone, Obama to Pick Black Lesbian Amputee Vet

Barack_Obama_anonymous-court-nominee

President Obama is already practicing his congratulatory handshake for his Black, lesbian, double-amputee, military veteran Supreme Court nominee, played here by a White stand-in.

(2016-02-15) — Just days after the sudden death of Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, White House sources say President Obama will cast a wide net for a replacement nominee whose appointment Republicans won’t have the audacity to stall.

“The president already has in hand a short list of Black, lesbian, military veteran double-amputee jurists from which he’ll choose the eventual nominee,” according to an unnamed administration source.

Obama reportedly reviewed the list on Sunday, circled a favorite, then remarked, “Let’s see Mitch McConnell and the boys push that one to the back of the bus.”

Meanwhile, on the campaign trail, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, “I applaud President Obama, our dear leader, for striving to ensure that our highest court looks more like America — and frankly, less like me — than it would if a Republican were president.

 

 

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Boston Bomber Guilty: Obama Trades for Gitmo Inmates

Dzhokar Tsarnaev

Convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev rejoices upon learning that President Obama has secured his release in exchange for five Gitmo prisoners.

(2015-04-08) — Just moments after a jury convicted Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on all 30 counts for his role in 2013’s deadly Boston Marathon bombing, the White House announced it had secured his release in exchange for sending five accused terrorists from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility to “any Islamic state, group or caliphate that will take them.”

“Mr. Tsarnaev is an American citizen,” according to a White House statement quoting President Obama. “We never leave an American behind if he’s held in captivity. Period. Full stop.”

It’s not clear, at the moment, with whom Obama negotiated the trade, but the White House brushed off suggestions that Tsarnaev’s crimes make him unfit to be exchanged for high-value terror suspects.

“You can’t conflate what Mr. Tsarnaev did, with the unimpeachable fact that he’s an American citizen,” Obama reportedly said. “Those issues are completely separate.”

The White House said the president would make remarks later this week from the Rose Garden, flanked by Tsarnaev’s parents, who are reportedly “grateful for his release, bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim.”

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Obama Mulls Plan to Ban ‘Nearly All’ Trigger Fingers

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Caught Red-Handed: This trigger finger, like countless others nationwide, is the leading cause of gunfire in the U.S. - - a prime reason behind Obama's planned ban.

(2015-02-27)– Just days after the BATF alarmed 2nd Amendment proponents with a plan to outlaw certain AR-15 ammunition, sources in the White House say President Obama is mulling regulations to ban nearly all trigger fingers.

“Guns don’t kill people, trigger fingers kill people, ” according to a leading expert. “In nearly all shootings, police finger the trigger finger as the proximate perpetrator.”

”The president knows that banning firearms is a non-starter with Republicans and many Democrats,” said an unnamed White House source, “but the finger lobby is relatively small and not nearly as influential as the gun lobby…although it does have a strong digital presence.”

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Obama Sports Official Body Cam Cops Will Soon Wear

Obama with new government body cam

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If EU Vote Succeeds, Google to Split into Two Firms

(2014-11-24) — Increasing worries about anti-competitive American dominance of the internet have driven the European Union (EU) to vote on a motion to break up Google. The symbolic, but morally significant, vote could come as early as Thursday.

If the vote succeeds, Google says it will comply “to maintain European goodwill and to avoid being evil,” by splitting into publicly-traded entities named ‘Go’ and ‘ogle.’

‘Go’ will be the “action service,” aimed at those who use the internet to run a business, or to conduct academic research. ‘ogle’ will handle the other 99 percent of Internet traffic, largely pornography.

google Breakup

Google says if Thursday’s EU breakup vote succeeds, it will split into two firms named ‘Go’ and ‘ogle’.

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