Archive for the ‘Law’ Category

Holder to Walk: Attorney General Leaving Fast, Furious

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BREAKING

Obama and Holder in Oval Office

This file photo shows a recent Oval Office meeting between outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder, and President Obama. They discussed where Obama might purchase a necktie.

(2014-09-25) — A Justice Department source says Attorney General Eric Holder hopes to leave his post fast, furious with opponents’ attacks on his tenure as the nation’s top law enforcement officer.

President Obama, reportedly, plans to just “let him walk.”

“Of course, Obama will always know where Holder is,” the unnamed source said. “Such a powerful person is easy to trace, in case the president needs to shoot him an email, or has a legal concern that’s sort of borderline.”

Friends and associates say the Attorney General hopes to “get a job in the private sector where the cops won’t hassle him just because he’s black.”

 

Russians Steal 1.2 Billion Passwords from 17 People

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password

Russian ID thieves devastated 17 people worldwide by stealing 1.2 billion of their passwords.

(2014-08-07) — Russian identity thieves reportedly stole 1.2 billion passwords from 420,000 websites, jeopardizing the privacy and financial well-being of up to 17 individuals worldwide.

International law enforcement authorities called the crime “devastating,” because like most people, “these 17 victims have more passwords than they can count, and no system for keeping track of them.”

Once the perpetrators are in custody, an attorney for the victims said he’s hopeful that “authorities will let them question the Russians from time to time in order to secure login credentials — especially for those sites and apps that you access only once or twice a year, but that make you create an entire user profile to find out whether it’s going to rain today, or at what temperature pork should be cooked in a convection oven.”

Approximately 1.1 billion of the stolen passwords merely provide access to one-time-usage email accounts set up to sell something on Craigslist — accounts with names like 2003PlymouthNeedsWork@gmail.com.

Authorities say the vast majority of the passwords on the Russian hard drives consist of utterly-random character sequences like ‘1234567’ or ‘password.’

Fortunately for the victims, the attorney said, “The Russians did not manage to acquire all of their passwords, so they can still post pictures of food and cat videos to Facebook and Instagram, retaining at least a modicum of their human dignity.”

 

 

 

Justice Ginsburg to Stay, ‘So Am As Can Able Do To’

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Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg released this recent photograph as additional evidence of her fitness to remain on the high court.

(2014-08-01) — Supreme Court Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, under pressure from Democrats to retire before a potential Republican majority takes the Senate, said this week that she’ll remain on the highest court in the land, “So am as can able do to, and perhaps longer.”

The octogenarian Liberal jurist said she’s monitoring her own ability to do the job, and will know when it’s time to go based on several indicators.

“Can you think as carbuncle masticate curmudgeon? Can you wrote fluidity pastoral semper fi? At my age, you take it year by hamstring staplegun cantaloupe. I’m OK this year.”

Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said he has spoken informally with Ginsburg at a D.C. social event and that “she’s as lucid and intellectually-sharp as ever I’ve seen her. I’m comfortable with her extending her tenure on the Court.”

 

Former IRS Boss Used Snapchat for Official Business

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Lerner Snapchat

Former IRS director Lois Lerner’s use of Snapchat for work-related messages was discovered when this screen capture was lifted from the iPhone of a Democrat lawmaker during a Congressional hearing about IRS targeting of Tea Party groups.

(2014-06-26) — Former IRS director Lois Lerner’s communications with the Obama White House, and others related the the Tea Party targeting scandal, can never be retrieved, unnamed sources now admit, because she used the ephemeral social messaging app, Snapchat, for all of her work messages.

The Snapchat app on Lerner’s iPhone allowed her to send photo and text messages that vanish from the receiver’s device within 10 seconds or less, thereby leaving no information trail for Congressional investigators to follow.

The IRS admits that Ms. Lerner “didn’t follow the law” regarding official communications, but that “she didn’t break it either, since there’s no specific mention of Snapchat in the statutes or regs.”

Lerner’s attorney said his client will not make her own camera roll available for Congressional inspection, since it may contain “cat-related screen captures of a personal nature,” unrelated to the allegations in question.

 

 

 

Panel Concludes Drone Strikes “Freakin’ Awesome”

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(2014-06-26) — A long-awaited report by a nonpartisan Washington think tank on the use and legality of drone strikes by the United States against terrorist targets has concluded that the practice is “freakin’ awesome,” although it’s a “slippery slope” that could lead to “perpetual war” conducted in secret with no presidential accountability.

Predator drone pilots

A report from the nonpartisan Stimson Center on Predator Drone usage concludes that serious legal questions remain unanswered, “but squeezing off Hellfire missiles on terrorist targets 5,000 miles away — well, YOLO.”

“It was like the greatest video game ever,” according to the report from the Stimson Center, whose investigation included site visits to operational outposts to observe pilots maneuvering Predator Drones remotely over targets, from thousands of miles away.

“You’ve got all these high-def screens, and super-sensitive controls,” the report documented. “It’s like you’re really in a war, but you have to keep reminding yourself that you’re not. And you only need to touch the trigger and the earth explodes all around the bad guy. I mean that terrorist is pwned! It’s incredibly realistic.”

President Obama, upon hearing these excerpts of the report, said, “I know. Right?”

 

High Court: Cops Can’t Search Cellphone, Must Ask NSA

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(2014-06-25) — In a rare unanimous ruling on a civil rights issue, the U.S. Supreme Court today ruled that it’s unconstitutional for local police to search the contents of your cellphone.

The Court declared that if local law enforcement wants to access that data, they’ll have to ask the National Security Agency (NSA) to provide it.

Smartphone

The threat of local police doing warrantless searches on cellphones has spurred sales of the Samsung Tabula Rasa, the first smartphone that neither stores nor displays user-generated content.

“The Fourth Amendment to the Constitution guarantees the right of the people to be secure in their persons and property from unreasonable searches and seizures,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts on behalf of the Court. “Allowing Barney Fife to poke around your Pinterest violates the letter and the spirit of the Constitution.”

The Chief Justice noted that the practice is not only unconstitutional, but unnecessary, since the NSA already has all of that data and more, stored in its secret server farms.

“Why should the local district attorney waste resources hacking a phone,” Roberts wrote, “when the NSA could simply send him the zip file?”

 

 

 

Obama Orders Review of Botched U.S. Murders

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Obama Deeply Disturbed by Botched Murders

A “deeply disturbed” President Obama issues an executive order to probe unfairness, and cruel and unusual punishments allegedly perpetrated by America’s murderers.

(2014-05-03) — News that several recent murder victims suffered “discomfort” during the attacks that led to their deaths has “deeply disturbed” President Obama, who this morning ordered the Justice Department to review how U.S. murders are applied, with particular focus on fairness.

The executive order follows another this week calling for a policy review of how the death penalty is applied in the judicial system.

The president acted after hearing of a recent killing in which the victim was left groaning in pain for several minutes after the murderer’s actions failed to have the intended effect immediately. Obama said the botched murders in particular raise “difficult and profound questions about who we are as a society.”

The White House said the president is particularly concerned about the unfairness and possible bigotry of the nation’s killers, who have a statistically significant bias toward killing young, black men — far out of proportion to their numbers in the population.

“We’re also hearing far too many stories of the wrong person being murdered in a drive-by shooting,” Obama said. “Too often these murder victims are oppressed minorities, many of them guilty of little more than being SWB: Slain While Black. Frankly, we need to be a better country than this.”