Archive for the ‘Law’ Category

Kavanaugh Victim Asks Delay to Finish Final Draft

(2018-09-21) — The woman whose claims about a 36-year-distant sexual assault threaten to derail the Supreme Court confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh told Senate Judiciary Chairman Charles Grassley today that she needs more time before appearing at a hearing “in order to really firm up the details of the night in question.”

In a letter to Sen. Grassley from her attorney, Debra Katz, Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford said the invitation to testify about her allegations “came up rather suddenly” before she had time to fully collect her thoughts, and “assemble a coherent narrative.”

“I’ve been working on this for a long time,” said Ford, “but it’s still really just a rough draft. The plot is kind of hazy. The hero’s journey has no compelling force to explain her actions. I’ve got a loose set of ideas kicking around in my head. I have some characters, and a bit of backstory, but I haven’t even nailed down the location, or specific time setting.”

Ford said the most difficult part of finishing the final draft of her story is making sense of the protagonist’s character arc, the path of her inner journey.

Describing the outline to date, Ford said, “The hero suffers this somewhat vague, traumatic event. Tells no one. Muddles around for a few years, like most young people, but eventually slides into a modestly-successful, somewhat-satisfying career. She’s on the downhill side of that now. Yet, there’s always this nagging thought that she could have been more…made a bigger impact, made the world a better place, you know, protected a woman’s right to abortion. Then she remembers the traumatic event, and…I don’t know, I’m still noodling it.”

Share Button
 

Kavanaugh Accuser Demands Trump Act ‘More Trumpy’

(2018-09-20) —Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her when the two were teens, today called on President Trump to “come out of his self-imposed exile and start acting like he always does…you know, more Trumpy.”

Her heated remarks followed a muted response from the White House to Blasey Ford’s allegations, with the president saying that the accuser should be heard, and that the Senate should conduct “a complete process.”

“Where in the world is the real Donald Trump?” she demanded. “What have they done with the president? Give him back his phone. Let him Tweet.”

The psychologist said she wouldn’t have gone public with her accusations if she had known that Trump would “start acting all presidential and stuff.”

“It’s bad enough that I’m haunted by memories of my recent recollection of a future Supreme Court nominee groping me at some geographical location and chronological time,” said Blasey Ford. “Now Trump piles on with his respectful listening and a call for due process. That’s not going to generate the kind of visceral female empowerment that it takes to defeat a nominee. Where do I go to get my expectations back?”

Share Button
 

Kavanaugh Accuser Says Why She May Not Testify

(2018-09-19) — Christine Blasey Ford may not appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee to testify about her claim that she was sexually assaulted by a 17-year-old Brett Kavanaugh, because she’s not sure exactly when or where the hearing happens.

Ms. Blasey Ford, who wrote a detailed description of the night — some 36 years ago — when President Trump’s future Supreme Court nominee assaulted her, said she knows there is a hearing, and that it’s going to change her life forever, but she can’t pinpoint the location, or even during which month it occurs.

Speaking through her attorney, Kavanaugh’s accuser said that, even if she could get to the hearing, she doesn’t know how she would get home.

“The Senate panel should stop everything,” attorney Debra Katz said, “and delay the confirmation vote until a full criminal investigation can be completed — or until Democrats re-take the Senate, whichever comes first.”

Share Button
 

Serena Fights For a Woman’s Right to Be a Jerk

(2018-09-10) — Legendary tennis star Serena Williams today said that her outburst on the court at the U.S. Open this weekend was an intentional part of her crucial campaign for “a woman’s right to be a jerk without consequences.”

Although Williams was fined $17,000 — from her $1.85 million prize money — for her verbal outburst at an umpire, and for throwing and smashing a racket, she said her behavior was “an historic act of civil disobedience in the great feminist struggle of our time.”

“We’ll never know what it means to be equal with a man until a woman can be a total jackwagon and escape punishment and criticism for it,” said the holder of 23 Grand Slam women’s singles titles.

Williams said little girls across the nation need to know that they can grow up to be just as inconsiderate, rude, violent and impetuous as any man.

“We need to shatter the @$$ ceiling,” she said. “I have a dream that some day our daughters, and our sons, can both become the kind of person nobody wants to play with.”

Share Button
 

American People: ‘No Thanks’ to More Kavanaugh Docs

(2018-09-04) — Despite Democratic senators’ insistence to the contrary, the American people said today, “We don’t want to read any more documents related to the confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the U.S. Supreme Court.”

Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-VT, among others on the Senate Judiciary Committee, repeatedly claimed during the first day of confirmation hearings that, not just Leahy’s caucus, but “the American people” were dissatisfied with the more than 500,000 pages of documents the committee has received so far, including more than 10,000 pages of Kavanaugh’s judicial opinions.

But when reached by phone, the American people declined to review additional documents.

“Thanks, but no thanks,” the people said, “We enjoyed the first 500,000 pages, but we’re good.”

Between their careers, getting kids to various events, and keeping up with Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, the American people said they “don’t have as much time as one might hope to scrutinize the complete anthology of writings and documents related to of one of the most prolific legal scholars, and accomplished public servants, of our day.”

“Let’s face it,” said the American people. “We’re not really big ‘document readers’ anyway, and this is a busy month. But thanks for thinking of us.”

 

Share Button
 

Warren Admits Shame: Hired by Harvard on Merit Alone

(2018-09-03) — Massachussetts’ Sen. Elizabeth Warren today said she’s “ashamed to admit” that Harvard University hired her, not on the basis of her professed Native American heritage, but on merit alone.

Warren’s confessed embarrassment at her own hard-earned competence rather than preferential treatment based on bloodlines, follows release of an exhaustive investigation by The Boston Globe, which examined hundreds of documents and interviewed dozens of former colleagues. The Globe determined that Harvard did not hire her based on her claim that she’s 1/32nd Native American.

Starting in 1986, Warren, then a law professor, began self-identifying as a Native American minority, and was sometimes listed in professional directories, and recipe books as such.

“What does it say to our nation’s minority persons that their mentor and leader actually achieved success through dint of hard-work, and skill,” Sen. Warren lamented in a Globe interview. “I’m petrified that this will close the doors of affirmative action opportunity in the faces of my fellow tribespersons…yes, petrified like those majestic forests in Navajo and Apache territory, on the land that the White man now calls ‘Arizona’.”

Share Button
 

Police Reach Deal with NFL Anthem Protestors

(2018-08-18) — In an agreement worked out late Saturday night, police unions across the United States agreed to stop hunting, shooting and gratuitously detaining and roughing-up black people, while NFL Players Union members agreed to stand respectfully during the national anthem, starting with Sunday’s games.

Police said they “buckled under the tremendous moral pressure brought to bear by pro football players kneeling or raising a fist during the anthem.”

“Until recently, most police officers, regardless of color, felt it was acceptable to shoot black people whether they posed a threat or not,” said a police spokesman. “But then the kneeling ballplayers started a national conversation, and the guys in the precincts got woke, and decided to obey the law…but only if players would respect the anthem.”

The landmark deal brings down the curtain on the most tumultous and tragic epoch in American civil rights history.

With the end so-called blue-on-black violence, protesting NFL players said they’re excited they can stand again, and proudly sing the anthem of the land they love.

Share Button
 

Area Man Embroils The Onion in $2 Million Lawsuit

(2018-08-15) — Just days after humor site The Onion became embroiled in a $2 million lawsuit by a former financial advisor against its parent corporation, Univision, an area man revealed that he is the majority shareholder in the firm that filed the suit, and that The Onion’s writers and editors “will see who laughs out of the other side of his face all the way to the bank now.”

The area man, who said he holds a controlling interest in GCA Advisors — the firm contracted in 2013 to prepare The Onion for sale — said he hopes the breach-of-contract suit will “give those smart-alecks their come-back and pay-uppance for a relentless campaign of disparagement and other forms of paragement toward me, and toward great average Americans like me.”

Hounded from the public square by detractors and paparazzi, the area man claims The Onion made him a special target of derision, always portraying him as a hapless dimwit.

According to his lawsuit, “Defendant [“Area Man”], due to The Onion’s violation of his privacy and of his publicity, can no longer make a reservation for a quiet night out at Luby’s Cafeteria or even at the Happy Good Moon Food Chinese Buffet, without drawing mockery about his intellect from restaurant staff speaking the broken-English language.”

“It’s not about the money or about revenge,” the area man said, “I just want $2 million, and to watch them suffer.”

Share Button
 

Trump Asks Dems to Push Ban on 3-D Movie Guns

(2018-08-01) — After suggesting in a Tweet that downloadable blueprints for 3-D printing of guns should be regulated or banned, President Donald Trump today reached across the aisle again calling for a total ban on guns in 3-D movies.

“Democrats should join me and ban all guns in 3-D movies,” the president said on Twitter, adding, “Crazy Hollywood actors with deadly guns in more than two dimensions – VERY dangerous.”

The White House said the president believes in reasonable movie-gun regulation, including a prohibition on guns that have the realistic appearance of length, width and depth — such as those seen through special glasses in many movie American theaters.

Share Button
 

Duped: Sacha Baron Cohen Apes Strzok at Hearings

(2018-07-13) — Comic actor and prankster Sacha Baron Cohen admitted today that he appeared this week before the House Judiciary and Oversight Committees disguised as FBI agent Peter Strzok, sparking several chaotic confrontations, but leaving Congressmen none the wiser.

“We were duped,” said Rep. Trey Gowdy, after learning that the hearing was nothing but an elaborate prank to be played for laughs in Cohen’s upcoming CBS-Showtime series.

In recent days, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, former Judge Roy Moore, and former Vice President Dick Cheney have all learned they were victims of Cohen’s masquerade. But appearing before a Congressional panel may be the crown jewel among Cohen’s outlandish pranks.

“We really thought we were grilling Peter Strzok,” Gowdy said, “when in fact we were talking to a fraud, a liar, and a poseur who will do anything to humiliate Republicans, and to advance his agenda.”

Share Button