Archive for the ‘Economy’ Category

Despite GDP Jump, Boss Bumps Trump’s Q3 Goal

(2018-07-30) — Although he exceeded expectations in the second quarter by delivering a 4.1 percent GDP growth rate, President Donald Trump’s performance review didn’t go as well as he had hoped, and the boss set new “unreasonable goals” for the third quarter of 2018.

A colleague said Trump had hoped his work in Q2 would earn him a pay raise and a corner office, neither of which happened.

“The boss has no idea what it takes to make 4.1 happen,” said a Trump co-worker. “He’s out there busting his tail every day — early, late, weekends — and the boss strolls in for the quarterly performance review and and talks like it was all dumb luck.”

Instead of praise and a bonus, the colleague said, Trump’s boss nitpicked what he called “opportunities for improvement,” excused away the good numbers, then told him he’d better “shoot for the moon in Q3, or watch his back.”

In a final insult, the supervisor told Trump if it were up to him, he’d get a pay hike, but “the money’s just not in the budget this year, what with the economy and all.”

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Trump to Bail Out iPhone Users if Tariffs Boost Prices

(2018-07-25) — On the heels of a $12 billion bailout for farmers who have lost an estimated $13 billion due to international retaliation against U.S. tariffs, the White House said it’s ready to help iPhone users as well.

Farmers complain that President Donald Trump’s tariffs have triggered a trade war, drying up foreign markets for American soybeans, pork, sugar, orange juice, cherries, and more. In response, the U.S. Department of Agriculture in September will begin paying farmers who have lost foreign customers. The Ag department will also buy even more surplus food to distribute to the poor.

But the White House knows that consumers have also been affected by the trade war, and Trump stands ready to rescue them as well.

If tariffs drive up iPhone prices, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) plans to directly subsidize consumers who buy Apple’s popular smartphones, even if market prices reach $2,000-$3,000 per phone or more.

Trump has allegedly told confidants that he’ll “make iPhones so cheap, I alone will be able to afford a flip phone.”

“The president doesn’t believe the government should pick winners and losers in the economy,” said an unnamed source, who knows when the president thinks. “We only pick winners. We punish losers. These great American tariffs and subsidies will give the American people so much winning it will make them sick.”

To his free-market Republican critics in Congress, Trump has privately said, “If ‘free trade’ is good, how can you call giving farmers and iPhone users free money ‘bad’. Both free. Both good.”

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Papa John’s to Replace Founder with Rap Star

(2018-07-12) — Hours after Papa John’s founder and Chairman John Schnatter left the company after admitting using “the N-word” on a phone call with consultants in May, the restaurant chain said it would fill his position on the board of directors with a hip-hop and rap star “whose work everyone knows.”

While not explicitly naming the entertainer who will chair the board, a Papa John’s spokesman said the company “seeks racial diversity on its board, and wants someone who’s not tone deaf, and yet who can say anything without generating a news story, or a public relations crisis.”

Schnatter stepped down as CEO last year under duress after noting that Papa John’s sales suffered when the NFL’s audience shrunk because of National Anthem protests by some players. In his latest offense, Schnatter said on a conference call that KFC’s Colonel Sanders had used to use the N-word to describe Black people.

Papa John’s stock rebounded on news of the Chairman’s departure, as investors we’re reassured that the company is now utterly free of racial bias and hate.

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Strawless Starbucks To Offer Cupless ‘Direct Pour’

(2018-07-09) — Just days after announcing it would drop plastic straws to save the oceans, Starbucks today introduced the option to have your hot beverage dispensed without a cup.

The new Earth-friendly ‘Direct Pour’ service is expected to increase sales by winning over people who have avoided Starbucks as a way to protect the planet from human refuse.

“It’s a natural evolution,” said a unnamed barista at the Pike Place Starbucks in Seattle. “Instead of generating more garbage, the customer simply tilts her head back, opens wide, and receives 12-to-36 ounces of piping hot java directly from the carafe.”

Any flavored additives would follow immediately, and the barista will even create a heart design with the cream at customer request.

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Trump Demands China Send U.S. Money, Not iPhones

President Trump in this file photo expresses disgust that he's stuck with a smartphone when he could have a fistful of dollars instead.

President Trump expresses disgust that he’s stuck with a smartphone instead of a fistful of dollars.

(2018-07-06) — As the trade war escalated between the United States and China following enactment of U.S. tariffs on some Chinese-made imports, President Donald Trump today mulled a full ban on imports of iPhones and other smartphones, insisting instead that China “send us real money.”

“We have a $375 billion trade deficit with China,” Trump said. “That means that we send them genuine dollars, and all we get in return is stuff — like iPhones. From now on, when we send them dollars, we want them to send us the same number of real dollars in return. That’s the only way to truly, truly balance the trade deficit.”

As economists have long known, paper money, and its electronic equivalent, hold intrinsic value. Objects like iPhones, steel pipe, or running shoes, are mere symbols of value that facilitate the exchange of tangible dollars. The president campaigned on boosting U.S. holdings of intrinsically-valuable currency, while also increasing how long U.S. consumers must work to afford ephemeral products, which are backed by nothing more than faith in their utility.

“To get more, and better-paying, jobs in the USA,” Trump told a rally in Detroit last night, “we need to drive up the cost of what Americans buy, so that they can get second jobs, and demand higher wages. Isn’t that why you elected me? More jobs. Higher wages.”

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Hamburg Tourism Board Thanks G20 Protestors

ScrappleFace: Hamburg Tourism Promotion Board

 

 

 

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Obama Triumph: U.S. Reaches ‘Full Under-Employment’

Triumphant President Obama

President Obama celebrates news that the U.S. economy has reached full under-employment, thus affirming his approach to “progressive recovery.”

(2015-03-06) — The Obama administration today celebrated a new milepost in what it calls “our progressive recovery” as government figures show the jobless rate dropped to 5.5%, wages remained stable, and the labor-force participation rate slipped to 62.8 percent.

“Thanks to President Obama’s leadership, we’ve reached full under-employment,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest. “Nearly everyone who still has any hope of getting a job, has at least one job — and often more than one. A lot of newly-employed people have thanked the president as they wash his golfballs, or pick the turf out of his cleats. It’s heartwarming.”

While critics focus on the vast numbers of discouraged workers who, long ago, stopped looking for employment, the Obama administration touted its skill at “clearing the field” for workers who can stay motivated for the months or years it takes to find new jobs.

“The nation’s employers are getting a better caliber of worker, and often for up to 29 hours a week,” said Earnest at the daily White House press briefing. “These are the survivors, unburdened of the arrogance of expertise, experience and education that can prevent an engineer, for example, from accepting that part-time offer to enter the creatively-fulfilling field of cash-register management, or linoleum scuff removal?”

The White House spokesman said the president hopes that the 37.2 percent of workers who have abandoned the job search, along with those workers who haven’t had a raise in years, and the folks doing minimum-wage jobs practically round-the-clock will, “for the sake of our progressive recovery, stay the course.”

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SkyMall Bankrupt: Fliers Resigned to Analog Litter Boxes

Electronic Cat Litter Box SkyMall | ScrappleFace

America’s cats may be hardest hit by the announcement that SkyMall — the in-flight catalog felines count on for essential survival items — has declared bankruptcy.

(2015-01-23) — With the bankruptcy of SkyMall, the in-flight catalog, airline passengers nationwide report that they’re now stuck with non-electronic cat-litter disposal systems, among other shocking inconveniences.

It’s hard to know exactly how many house cats the bankruptcy will affect, experts said. But countless millions of felines now to stand in their own waste, knowing that what they deposit will still be there when they return — rather than be electronically whisked into a hermetically-sealed drawer.

“Every time I take the red-eye to L.A.X., I tell myself I’m going to order that robotic cat-litter gizmo,” said one unnamed airline passenger. “Now that SkyMall is bankrupt, I could kick myself . It was only about three-hundred-fifty bucks, but I never did it — just like I never clean our analog litter box. It just seemed like too much trouble to pick up the phone, or that little shovel.”

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Revised Data Show 6 Years of Steep Economic Growth

Revised figures show robust growth 2009-2014(2014-07-30) — The White House today released revised economic data from the Commerce Department that shows the recession and stagnation of the past six years was actually a time of booming economic growth.

“Commerce periodically reviews the numbers and revises its estimates,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest (which is his real name). “The president was delighted to see that the latest revision marks the start of the turnaround on or about January 20, 2009. His second inauguration spurred another surge. These revisions won’t surprise anyone who really knows the president, or at least none who work for him.”

Earnest attributed the new upbeat perspective on economic growth to “President Obama’s skill in crafting executive economic policy, new insights in mathematics from Common Core, and some recent personnel changes at the Department of Commerce’s Office of GDP Review.

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Obama’s EPA Mandates Homes Powered by Friction

bicycle generator

“The future is friction,” President Obama said today as he endorsed new EPA regulations shutting down all other types of power and heat generation.


(2014-07-29) — Warning that the economic cost of global warming in the U.S. could soon mount to $150 billion per year, President Barack Obama today announced a new array of Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) rules that would, among other things, require U.S. homes to be powered and heated by friction alone.

“We know that fossil fuel emissions will soon incinerate the planet, and could reduce Gross Domestic Product (GDP) in the U.S. by up to 3.1 percent,” Obama said. “We also know that wind power slaughters birds, solar and water power clutter the landscape and disturb wildlife, batteries contain corrosive chemicals–and are often not included anyway — and nuclear power creates tsunamis, as we saw in Fukushima, Japan, not so long ago. America’s last best hope is friction.”

“As long as I’m in this White House,” President Obama said, “the future is friction.”

Under the new rules from the EPA, the power industry would have up to 90 days to make the transition to friction generators after disabling existing power plants at the end of August.

Americans unwilling to wait 90 days could create their own friction at home, using simple hand cranks, bicycles, political discussions or visits from the in-laws.

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