Archive for the ‘Diplomacy’ Category

Pelosi Echoes Trump Threat to Iran Regime

(2018-07-23) — Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, joined hands with President Donald Trump this morning to warn Iran’s “repressive, corrupt regime” against provoking “the greatest force for liberty the world has ever seen.”

Pelosi’s bipartisan statesmanship comes after Trump Tweeted in all caps his own warning to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani against threatening the U.S., and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo likened the regime to the Mafia.

Pelosi’s state of California is home to some 250,000 Iranian-Americans, many of whom have fled the Islamic regime since it seized power in 1979.

“There’s not a millimeter of daylight between Democrats and President Trump when it comes to standing up for the long-suffering people of Iran,” Pelosi said. “If our reimposed sanctions don’t bring down the Islamic kleptocracy, the righteous resolve of Iran’s mighty people shall.”

Pelosi said her message to Iran’s anti-regime protestors in the streets is: “This time, America has your back.”

Share Button
 

Putin Groomed ‘Brilliant Double-Agent’ Trump

(2018-07-20) — Sources in the Kremlin said today that former KGB agent Vladimir Putin began grooming young Donald Trump as an intel asset decades before either man became president.

“Young Putin met Trump by chance, but immediately recognized in him the cunning, genius, strategic thinking, tactical mastery, and discretion required to be a brilliant double-agent,” according to an unnamed source close to the Russian president.

The revelation, of course, presumes Trump was already in the pay of the CIA, and that Putin hoped he could be turned.

“Putin plied Trump with money, women, book and personal branding deals, and fame out-of-proportion to his accomplishments,” the Kremlin source said. “Trump lapped it up, but never let on that he had become part of a long game to be Putin’s White House puppet.”

The two allegedly conspired, decades in advance, to lay the groundwork for a successful Republican presidential campaign, by having Trump cheat on and abandon wives, dive into the gambling industry, donate generously to Democrats, and studiously avoid learning about matters of policy, governance, or conservatism.

”All of Putin’s careful work has come to fruition,” the anonymous source added, “with the almost-inevitable election of a man who slavishly obeys what he’s told, and never veers from the script written by his handlers.”

The shocking revelation explains Trump’s obsequious news conference after the Helsinki summit last week, and makes his impeachment and conviction nearly as certain as Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election victory.

Share Button
 

Hamas Agrees to Unilateral 72-Hour “Cease Liar”

Palestinian in Gaza covers his mouth to avoid breaking Hamas' unilateral 72-hour cease-liar.

Palestinian in Gaza covers his mouth to avoid breaking Hamas’ unilateral 72-hour cease-liar.

(2014-08-02) — Just hours after Hamas violated the most recent ceasefire agreement with Israel, President Barack Obama dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the telephone where he spent hours hammering out an ironclad unilateral 72-hour “cease-liar” deal with Hamas.

“During these three days,” Kerry said, “The leaders of Hamas have agreed to refrain from making any commitments they don’t intend to keep, or that they might later decide to breach, even though they start out with goodwill in their hearts.”

The White House admits this is an interim cease-liar agreement, and “at any moment Hamas could stagger under the burden of such an historic promise.”

Secretary Kerry completed the latest deal as the clock ticked down on the monthly minutes allocation of his Windows smartphone.

Kerry also explained that this week’s truce collapsed largely because neither Hamas, nor Turkish and Qatari mediators, could comfortably pronounce the first three letters of “truce.”

The Obama administration has agreed “to suspend peace talks for the duration of the agreement to facilitate compliance by Hamas.”

Share Button
 

Obama Scolds USA Soccer Team for Beating Ghana

(2014-06-17) — At a Rose Garden ceremony today, President Obama officially rebuked the U.S. soccer team for its victory over Ghana in yesterday’s World Cup match, noting that the shocking outcome merely “exacerbates the negative image that African nations have of America as a bully and oppressor.”

Secretary of State Kerry doing ball tricks

Secretary of State John Kerry practices a trick he hopes to perform for the president of Ghana as goodwill gesture following President Obama’s apology for his nation’s treatment of the Ghanian national soccer team this week.

“Worse than the way the Americans treated Ghana on the field,” said Obama, “is the unseemly crowing afterward, and all the chanting of “USA! USA!” I don’t think people realize how offensive that is to African ears…I’m told.”

This morning, Mr. Obama called the president of Ghana, John Dramani Mahama, to apologize for the incident, which he admitted “seems reminiscent of the arrogant era of Western conquest and colonialism.”

The White House said the president dispatched Secretary of State John Kerry to the region for a seven-nation African apology tour. Mr. Kerry will bring the message that “the African continent was the cradle of humanity, and therefore, the birthplace of soccer…and everything else.”

Secretary Kerry will follow that mission with another tour to apologize for incorrectly calling the sport “soccer,” admitting that Americans “stole its proper name — ‘football’ — for our own brutal sport.”

Share Button
 

Kerry Secures Iran Pledge: U.S. May Enrich Uranium

Powerful listening skills enabled Secretary of State John Kerry to learn what Iran really wanted, and his close relationship with President Obama gave him the credibility to broker a deal allowing the U.S. to keep enriching uranium, in exchange for lifting all sanctions against Iran.

Powerful listening skills enabled Secretary of State John Kerry to learn what Iran really wanted, and his close relationship with President Obama gave him the credibility to broker a deal allowing the U.S. to keep enriching uranium, in exchange for lifting all sanctions against Iran.

(2013-11-23) — In a major diplomatic breakthrough, sources in Geneva say Secretary of State John Kerry has secured a promise from the Islamic Republic of Iran to allow the United States to enrich uranium to weapons-grade levels, in exchange for a “relatively trivial concession” — the complete lifting of international sanctions against Iran.

This latest Obama administration foreign policy triumph should help to reverse the President’s popularity-rating plunge in the wake of the failure of his signature health care law. It also bolsters his reputation for “smart diplomacy,” since no previous president has been able to get Iran to respect U.S. sovereignty regarding its own national defense.

Secretary Kerry surprised many by rushing back to Switzerland this weekend, just two weeks after the last six-nation talks aimed at defusing the Iran nuclear crisis. Although some in Congress saw the Obama administration’s efforts to placate Iran as appeasement, an unnamed source close to Kerry said the wily former Senator had a few “diplomatic tricks up his sleeve.”

“Kerry brought Iran back to the table,” the source said, “and ensured the U.S. will maintain its right to develop its nuclear arsenal, at least as long as the moderate Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remains in power. It buys Obama time to extract more concessions.”

Share Button
 

Obama Threatens to Rescind Endorsement of China

Chinese Premier Li Keqiang

New Chinese Premier Li shows off the “hand” of government that he says must pull back from the economy so the hand of the markets can prevail. President Obama rebuked Li for “sounding more like Adam Smith than John Maynard Keynes.”

President Obama today threatened to revoke previous praise of the Communist Chinese government in the wake of Sunday remarks by new Chinese Premier Li Keqiang about a “’hand’ mistakenly attached to the state that needed to be returned to the market.”

In order to reach its goal of 7.5 percent sustained annual economic growth, Mr. Li said, China will need to cut government power in what he called “a self-imposed revolution” that will be “very painful and even feel like cutting one’s wrist.”

The White House immediately distanced the president from the Chinese leader’s remarks, noting that “Premier Li has failed to learn from the mistakes of the past that led to America’s humiliating prosperity, which President Obama has work hard to overcome.”

In Obama’s 2011 State of the Union speech, and at other times, he praised the Chinese government for aggressively investing in high-speed rail, solar power and computing technology. He has also spoken longingly of the Asian giant’s system of government, noting that it would be easier to be the president of China.

“If the new Chinese premier continues to reverse course, and head in the opposite direction that I’m leading the United States,” Obama reportedly said, “that could prove counter-productive to Sino-American relations, and frankly, will reduce the esteem with which I have viewed that great nation.”

Share Button