Archive for the ‘Culture’ Category

Poll: Taco Bell #1 in Mexican Food at 2 a.m., Wasted

Poll: Taco Bell #1 Mexican Place at 2 a.m., Wasted

A new Harris poll of top brands finds that America’s favorite Mexican restaurant at 2 a.m. while wasted is Taco Bell.

(2018-09-12) — Taco Bell is America’s favorite Mexican restaurant according to the latest Harris poll ranking top brands via a survey conducted in the wee hours of Sunday morning after a night of heavy drinking and drug use, from the backseat at the drive-thru.

“We were really fried when we conducted the survey,” said an unnamed pollster from Harris. “It was just like…dude! Let’s ring the Bell.”

According to the survey methodology, pollsters dialed “like 3,000 phone numbers totally at random way after midnight” and asked the people who answered, “You want to go get something to eat?”

Results show that 11-out-of-10 respondents, including butt-dials, “really, really could get into some Taco Bell right now. Really.”

A spokesman for Harris said the preference for Taco Bell spanned all demographics, “even people who can’t speak Mexican.”

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The Village Voice Ceases: May Get Haircut, Real Job

(2018-09-01) — The Village Voice website stopped posting new content Friday, one year after the former New York City tabloid ceased print publication.

In a written statement, The Voice said it plans to “get a haircut, get a real job and maybe a rent-controlled apartment where I won’t have to sleep on the couch anymore.”

Spawned in 1955 by four men — including liberal activist, novelist and playwright Norman Mailer — The Voice really bloomed during the beatnik and hippie eras as a Left-wing, opinion-drenched, pseudo-journalistic vanity project, similar to The New York Times, only weekly.

“I’m too old for this sh**,” The Voice confided to an unnamed source. “Dude, my old Ivy League pals are making bank on Wall Street, driving Tesla’s and vacationing in the Hamptons. Meanwhile, I’m still shacking up in a buddy’s apartment in Greenwich Village, sleeping on the couch, and eating Ramen…and I’m almost 63.”

The Voice plans to “look for a job where I can sleep late, get paid to shoot off my mouth whenever I want just to piss people off, but do it wearing a suit and tie so it looks legit, you know?”

However, The Voice is not sure which political office he’ll seek first.

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Sundale Man’s Girlfriend ‘Locked-In’ by Shared Hulu

(2018-08-20) — A Sundale man says he shared his Hulu password with his new girlfriend as a way to “lock her in for the long haul.”

“In the past, I’ve had girlfriends just up and leave because they claimed I was unwilling to commit,” said the man. “Lesson learned. This one knows I’m serious because she’s got my Hulu password. She’s not going to walk out on a $12 per month perk like that…commercial-free.”

He added that, “If it starts to look like she’s really the one, I might also share my Netflix password with her. But we’re not ready to take that step yet.”

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NFL Players to Kneel Over Cowboys QB Anthem Stand

(2018-08-02) — NFL players plan to protest Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott’s recent remarks about the National Anthem by kneeling every time Prescott takes the field, according to sources in the players’ union.

The Dallas quarterback stirred controversy by saying that, though he, too, opposes racial injustice in the U.S., he will not protest during the anthem, because he prefers taking real action to improve race relations in each community, and that the anthem should draw us together toward our national ideals.

His radical view enraged fellow players on opposing teams.

“If Dak wants to be an Uncle Tom, a Trump lackey,” said one defensive back from another franchise, “Let’s see how he feels when he’s trying to play quarterback, but the entire defense takes a knee the whole time. No justice. No defense.”

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Papa John’s to Replace Founder with Rap Star

(2018-07-12) — Hours after Papa John’s founder and Chairman John Schnatter left the company after admitting using “the N-word” on a phone call with consultants in May, the restaurant chain said it would fill his position on the board of directors with a hip-hop and rap star “whose work everyone knows.”

While not explicitly naming the entertainer who will chair the board, a Papa John’s spokesman said the company “seeks racial diversity on its board, and wants someone who’s not tone deaf, and yet who can say anything without generating a news story, or a public relations crisis.”

Schnatter stepped down as CEO last year under duress after noting that Papa John’s sales suffered when the NFL’s audience shrunk because of National Anthem protests by some players. In his latest offense, Schnatter said on a conference call that KFC’s Colonel Sanders had used to use the N-word to describe Black people.

Papa John’s stock rebounded on news of the Chairman’s departure, as investors we’re reassured that the company is now utterly free of racial bias and hate.

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Obama Orders Review of Botched U.S. Murders

Obama Deeply Disturbed by Botched Murders

A “deeply disturbed” President Obama issues an executive order to probe unfairness, and cruel and unusual punishments allegedly perpetrated by America’s murderers.

(2014-05-03) — News that several recent murder victims suffered “discomfort” during the attacks that led to their deaths has “deeply disturbed” President Obama, who this morning ordered the Justice Department to review how U.S. murders are applied, with particular focus on fairness.

The executive order follows another this week calling for a policy review of how the death penalty is applied in the judicial system.

The president acted after hearing of a recent killing in which the victim was left groaning in pain for several minutes after the murderer’s actions failed to have the intended effect immediately. Obama said the botched murders in particular raise “difficult and profound questions about who we are as a society.”

The White House said the president is particularly concerned about the unfairness and possible bigotry of the nation’s killers, who have a statistically significant bias toward killing young, black men — far out of proportion to their numbers in the population.

“We’re also hearing far too many stories of the wrong person being murdered in a drive-by shooting,” Obama said. “Too often these murder victims are oppressed minorities, many of them guilty of little more than being SWB: Slain While Black. Frankly, we need to be a better country than this.”

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‘Selfie’ Top Word in 2013, Oxford Drops ‘Dictionary’

The Oxford English Dictionary

The Oxford English Dictionary named ‘selfie’ the 2013 word of the year, while dropping its entry for the word ‘dictionary’ to “free up space for stuff people actually use,” according to the publisher.


(2013-11-19) — The publisher of the Oxford English Dictionary announced today that ‘selfie’ is the 2013 word of the year just hours before announcing that its next edition would not include an entry for the word ‘dictionary’, which has fallen into disuse.

“There’s no point to including a definition of the word ‘dictionary’ at a time when people care neither for precision in spelling nor for accuracy in usage, and when they’re bereft of intellectual curiosity about etymology,” said an unnamed spokesman for Oxford. “We briefly mulled a truncated definition like ‘dictionary: ask your grandparents,’ but so many grandparents still don’t have Twitter accounts.”

The term ‘selfie’ skyrocketed in colloquial usage thanks to ubiquitous cellphone cameras, and to the difficulty of mounting a mirror bracket to one’s skull.

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