Archive for October, 2018

Beto: Big Bucks to “Buy F***ing Sh**load of Democracy”

Rep. Beto O'Rourke counts his recent campaign contributions | ScrappleFace

Rep. Beto O’Rourke, seen here in his Senate campaign counting house, said his recent $38.1 million fundraising haul will buy “an f***ing sh**load of Democracy for all of the people.”

(2018-10-13) — Texas Democrat Rep. Robert Francis ‘Beto’ O’Rourke said today that he suddenly realizes that a huge campaign war chest makes for “a more Democratic nation.”

This comes on the heels of news that his U.S. Senate campaign raised an astonishing $38.1 million in the past three months — a total of $62 million to date — in an effort to unseat Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, who leads in the latest poll by about nine percent.

“I used to look askance at money in politics,” said O’Rourke, beloved by Democrats for his use of profanity on the stump. “I now realize that having an f***ing sh**load of money means more egalitarianism, more fairness, and thus more Progressive policies for all of the people.”

O’Rourke said the reverse is also true: “The puny, paltry, $12 million raised by the Cruz campaign in the third quarter should be seen for what it is — a failure to buy enough Democracy for all of the people to have some.”

A ‘Beto for Senate’ spokesman clarified that the contributions came from individuals directly to the campaign, not from Political Action Committees, which channel individual donations to candidates.

“We’ve cut out the middle man to pass the savings on to the people,” the unnamed spokesman said. “Beto’s money is pure, direct from the source, cash. That’s the kind that makes the best democracy. It’s organic, free-range, pesticide-free, non-GMO bread. It even smells fresher and cleaner than the filthy lucre that flows like sewage to the Cruz campaign.”

The massive cash haul allows the Democratic candidate and his team almost unlimited travel in private jets until election day.

“The people want to know their future senator personally,” said O’Rourke, “They need someone to believe in. And thanks to my campaign’s unimaginable wealth, they can raise their eyes to the heavens and take comfort in knowing that I’m up there somewhere — fully-reclined, watching out for them.”

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Mormon Church Rebranding Leaves Satan ‘Saddened’

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™

Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, leads a massive rebranding of the organization, dumping the term ‘Mormon’. Next on his agenda, sources said, is a stage set redesign to make it ‘less reminiscent of the blazing netherworld’, along with better up-lighting ‘to bring out his boyish charm.’

(2018-10-08) — Russell M. Nelson, president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™, this weekend called on the faithful to stop describing themselves as ‘Mormon‘ and their church as ‘LDS’ because using such nicknames hands a ‘victory to Satan,’ and ‘offends’ Jesus who ‘commanded’ the official 39-letter organizational name.

A spokesman for Satan said the Evil One is, “Obviously disappointed, and saddened by the rebranding decision.”

“The Dark Lord has struggled to make an impact, especially in the United States,” the unnamed minion said. “He’s worked hard to turn people away from the Bible and from trusting in Jesus as the one true Savior and God. He’s labored to convince them that their good deeds will outweigh the bad and make them acceptable to God. He just can’t seem to make any headway.”

“Just about the only victory Beelzebub has enjoyed in the past hundred years or so,” the spokesman said, “has been his success in tricking members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints™ into calling themselves Mormons. Now even this small boast shall be taken from him.”

The source said Lucifer has been frustrated by the general holiness, righteousness and Christian faith which seem to have broken out everywhere from Hollywood to Washington D.C..

Indeed, it’s been a rough century for the Devil — what with all of the swords beaten into plowshares, and praise for the Prince of Peace resounding from every valley and hilltop.

Meanwhile, a source close to Jesus said, “The Lord is relieved to hear they’re going back to his original idea — which the focus groups loved — and he’s even texted President Nelson some catchy lyric ideas for the new jingle.”

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Celebrities Urge Women: Delay Reporting Sex Crimes

Celebrities Urge Women: Delay Reporting Sex Crimes

Hollywood celebrities took to Twitter after the swearing-in of Supreme Court Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh, urging women to delay reporting sex crimes for the long-term good of the Democratic Party.

(2018-10-07) — Hollywood reacted aggressively this weekend to the swearing-in of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, by urging women to delay reporting acts of sexual violence in order to help Democrats win future elections.

“If there’s anything we’ve learned from the Kavanaugh circus,” said one unnamed iconic actor, “it’s that long-delayed, uncorroborated, sexual abuse allegations fire up the base. It’s a recipe for a Congressional Democratic majority. Early reporting might jeopardize that.”

Experts say that, while immediate reporting may result in punishment for the abuser and thus reduction in the number of additional victims, the highly-personal and localized nature of ordinary crime reporting can’t contribute to a broader social-justice narrative like a long-repressed incident, dramatically unveiled at the right moment.

“Justice delayed is injustice weaponized for electoral war,” said one anonymous actor who plays an attorney on a hit drama. “With the passage of time, facts and evidence become irrelevant, putting the entire focus where it belongs — on the seriousness of the charge, and empathy for the accuser, unclouded by forensics or witnesses. This is how Democrat dominance is forged.”

The celebrities took to Twitter to urge women not to go to police, parents, or employers while memory is fresh, but to wait for years, perhaps decades, to “allow the rage to ripen.”

“Immediate reporting may give you a quick energy boost, and even the temporary satisfaction of justice served,” said another celebrity, “but if you, instead, allow it to fester and rankle until it swells up and overflows in an outpouring of bitterness — well, that’s what really moves the pathos needle at the polls.”

The coalition of celebrities pleaded with victims, using hashtags like #ShutUpAndSimmer and #PipeDown4Pelosi.

“Your years of trauma have a purpose,” the Hollywood stars said in a joint Tweet. “Your story — decades from now — might secure abortion rights for a generation yet unborn. It’s #WorthTheWait so #ZipItChica”

The coalition said that delayed accusations also allow time to determine whether a youthful abuser grows up to be a federal judge, or a Hollywood celebrity. This can help a victim determine whether to publicly accuse, or “to quietly take the settlement money so she can continue to work in this town.”

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Moderation: Ginsburg Volunteers to be ‘Swing Vote’

Ruth Bader Ginsburg agrees to become swing vote on court

Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, for the sake of crucial comity, has reportedly agreed to become the swing vote on the Supreme Court, to compensate for the loss of retired Justice Anthony Kennedy.

(2018-10-06) — With conservative Judge Brett Kavanagh all but assured confirmation to the Supreme Court early Saturday, Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has reportedly agreed to become the ‘swing vote‘, replacing the retired Anthony Kennedy in that role.

“No one has lamented the loss of Kennedy’s swing vote more than the Left,” according to an unnamed veteran court watcher. “It would be hypocrisy to suggest that a Republican president is obligated to nominate a moderate. So, to show that she is above the political fray, Justice Ginsberg has agreed to set her own biases aside, and serve in that middle-of-the-road role.”

Friends of Ginsburg say that the Progressive jurist may find the new job challenging, but she knows that the court is “nothing if not a political entity,” so it must represent the full range of partisan ideology.

“If Ruth believed that the Court’s main job were merely to interpret the law with regard to the Constitution, there would be no need for a reliable swing vote,” the source said. “The text of the Constitution would suffice. History will smile on Ruth Ginsburg for her self-sacrificial moderation.”

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As Kavanaugh Show Ends, Netflix May Pick It Up

Netflix may pick up Kavanaugh show for 3 more seasons | ScrappleFace.com

Industry insiders see Netflix as the natural home for the Kavanaugh series after its first production run ends this weekend.

(2018-10-05) — With the Senate confirmation process for Judge Brett Kavanaugh coming to a close this weekend, industry insiders say Netflix plans to pick up the series for at least three more seasons.

“The Kavanaugh hearings have been ratings gold,” said an unnamed industry insider, who requested anonymity to disguise the source of the trial balloon. “The story shouldn’t end here. These characters have more secrets, more innuendo, more betrayal, more heartache. America needs to know what happens next.”

Indeed, person-on-the-street interviews confirm that the Kavanaughs, along with Christine Blasey Ford and the friends who deny having seen her at crucial moments, have become household names, and almost part of the family in many American homes.

If Netflix does pick up the legal drama, expect lucrative product placement deals from Anheuser-Busch, and distributors of ginkgo-biloba, a supplement said to enhance memory.

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Flake Relieved to Do the Right Thing After 17 Years

(2018-10-01) — Sen. Jeff Flake, R-AZ, who single-handedly forced an FBI probe into whether Judge Brett Kavanaugh sexually molested Christine Blasey Ford, told CNN Sunday that it feels great to finally vote his conscience after 17 years of public service in the U.S. House and Senate, because he’s retiring.

“For years I’ve told voters I would go to Washington and make tough decisions to do the right thing,” Sen. Flake said. “Now, for the first time in 17 years, I can proudly say ‘Promise kept!'”

Sen. Flake told CNN there’s “not a chance” he would have held out for the FBI investigation if he were facing reelection, because there’s “no incentive” to reach across the aisle.

“For years I have done what the voters wanted, rather than what’s right,” Flake said. “I feel like a new man. I don’t need to please anyone anymore…other than the private sector company that will soon pay me seven-figures as a consultant.”

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