Archive for September, 2018

Township Man Offers to Flip for Mueller

(2018-09-15) — In the wake of a plea deal between Robert Mueller and one-time Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, a township man said he, too, will flip for Mueller if the Special Prosecutor can take care of some unpaid parking tickets and “the small matter of some back taxes and delinquent child support.”

Official Washington and Twitter lit up like a Christmas tree upon learning that the township man, a Trump supporter, would turn state’s evidence on the leader he thought would ‘Make America Great Again.’

It’s not known whether the township man has any useful evidence against Trump, but experts say the very fact that he’s willing to make a deal is considered damning.

“This is it,” said one unnamed Washington Post reporter, who agreed to quote himself on condition of anonymity. “The president might as well roll over and expose his jugular to Mueller. When this guy starts talking, all of the things we imagine Trump must have done will finally come out. Game. Set. Match.”

As a cooperating witness, the township man said he’s willing to share what he knows about the inner workings of the Trump campaign, calling himself “a person of interest.”

“I’m definitely a person of interest — very interested in stuff like that,” he said. “I read stuff. I watch stuff. I hear stuff. I can’t say much more without jeopardizing my potential deal with Mr. Mueller.”

Rudy Giuliani, the president’s attorney, said he’s not concerned about what the man might tell the special prosecutor because the way the Trump campaign, and administration, are structured “prevents anyone from knowing anything.”

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50.7 Million Children Now Detained in Trump’s Facilities

federal detention facility

A federally-funded detention facility where children, separated from parents, endure daily hardship.

(2018-09-13) — The latest count shows some 50.7 million migrant and non-migrant children detained in federally-monitored and controlled facilities, separated from parents, behind chain-link fences and brick and block walls, often sitting in stress positions for hours on end.

The damning report indicates the children often consume substandard and marginally-nutritive foods, and can be heard crying, and even fighting among themselves, as a result of the psychological duress of long-term confinement.

These conditions — which some have branded ‘torture’ — continue with full knowledge, and indeed, funding and supervision from the Trump administration.

A White House spokesperson confirmed the shocking number, but called it “nothing new” and explained that American children have long endured unpleasant conditions in the federally-funded public school system.

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Washington Post Fact-Checker Dies in Darkness

(2018-09-12) — The Washington Post Fact-Checker column ends its controversial run this week. Reporter Glenn Kessler will no longer try to determine “the truth behind the rhetoric,” after the publisher concluded that “facts simply don’t exist, truth seems anachronistic, and all is dank and futile in the gloaming of the age.”

“Our readers and writers long ago abandoned the notion of objective truth,” said an unsigned obituary for Kessler’s column. “What’s the point of fact-checking?”

After a three-year investigation, the Post publisher said, “We’ve found no practical way to check whether culturally-shaped, class-dependent, subjective impressions, stated in the historically-distorted language of the oppressor can be verified, or said to have more value than their categorical opposites.”

The publisher said Glenn Kessler may stay on payroll to head up the new “My Truth” bureau.

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Egg Board, Dairy Council Sorry About Starting Hurricane

Egg Board, Dairy Council Admit Starting Hurricane Florence

The American Egg Board and National Dairy Council said their benign mass-sales event simply spun out of control.

(2018-09-12) — The American Egg Board and the National Dairy Council today apologized in advance for the devastating impact coming to the Carolinas as a result of Hurricane Florence.

However, the agricultural marketing organizations said they had only the best intentions when they generated the looming Category 3 storm off the Atlantic coast, because eggs and milk are high in protein, calcium and other essential nutrients.

“When ads tout ‘the incredible edible egg’ or ask ‘Got Milk?’, people are amused,” said an attorney representing the egg board and dairy council. “But cleverness doesn’t sell eggs and milk. Looming disasters do. Hurricanes generate a lot of demand via free ads on the Weather Channel, CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC.”

“Some time ago,” he said, “my clients realized that manipulating the human mind is tougher than manipulating the Gulf Stream, and so they decided to generate a few a mass-sales events in the upper atmosphere. Unfortunately, Florence spun out of control and could backfire. Dead people eat no French toast.”

The lawyer said the egg and milk people had invited the Bread Board to participate in their joint marketing campaign, but they declined because “people are more afraid of gluten than of torrential flooding and 150 m.p.h. winds.”

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Poll: Taco Bell #1 in Mexican Food at 2 a.m., Wasted

Poll: Taco Bell #1 Mexican Place at 2 a.m., Wasted

A new Harris poll of top brands finds that America’s favorite Mexican restaurant at 2 a.m. while wasted is Taco Bell.

(2018-09-12) — Taco Bell is America’s favorite Mexican restaurant according to the latest Harris poll ranking top brands via a survey conducted in the wee hours of Sunday morning after a night of heavy drinking and drug use, from the backseat at the drive-thru.

“We were really fried when we conducted the survey,” said an unnamed pollster from Harris. “It was just like…dude! Let’s ring the Bell.”

According to the survey methodology, pollsters dialed “like 3,000 phone numbers totally at random way after midnight” and asked the people who answered, “You want to go get something to eat?”

Results show that 11-out-of-10 respondents, including butt-dials, “really, really could get into some Taco Bell right now. Really.”

A spokesman for Harris said the preference for Taco Bell spanned all demographics, “even people who can’t speak Mexican.”

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Serena Fights For a Woman’s Right to Be a Jerk

(2018-09-10) — Legendary tennis star Serena Williams today said that her outburst on the court at the U.S. Open this weekend was an intentional part of her crucial campaign for “a woman’s right to be a jerk without consequences.”

Although Williams was fined $17,000 — from her $1.85 million prize money — for her verbal outburst at an umpire, and for throwing and smashing a racket, she said her behavior was “an historic act of civil disobedience in the great feminist struggle of our time.”

“We’ll never know what it means to be equal with a man until a woman can be a total jackwagon and escape punishment and criticism for it,” said the holder of 23 Grand Slam women’s singles titles.

Williams said little girls across the nation need to know that they can grow up to be just as inconsiderate, rude, violent and impetuous as any man.

“We need to shatter the @$$ ceiling,” she said. “I have a dream that some day our daughters, and our sons, can both become the kind of person nobody wants to play with.”

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Musk Puffs Joint to Demonstrate Trust in Tesla Autopilot

(2018-09-07) — After Tesla stock took a beating in the wake of video showing CEO Elon Musk puffing a joint and drinking whiskey on the Joe Rogan podcast, the innovative billionaire comforted concerned investors by noting he was merely demonstrating his unshakeable confidence in the Tesla autopilot feature.

“I often impair myself intentionally,” Musk said, “simply to let people know how fantastically-reliable our autopilot has become. It’s a real game-changer for alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as delusional people who occasionally hallucinate.”

Musks recent antics have played havoc with the company’s stock, and well as his personal reputation, but in this case he merely engaged in normal safety testing of America’s best-selling electric vehicle.

“After the Rogan interview,” Musk said, “I popped a downer and then dropped into the cockpit and hit the autopilot button. I woke up in my garage three days later…perfectly safe. No worries.”

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Unknown Township Man: I’m Part of Office Resistance

(2018-09-07) — A township man today admitted that he’s part of a secret group at the office working behind-the-scenes to save the company from stupid decisions by the boss, who everyone ridicules when he’s not around.

“We in the anonymous resistance sit in meetings with the boss, and nod like a bunch of ‘yes men’,” the township man said, “but we have no intention of following through on his crazy ideas. He’s trying to bankrupt us. Idiot.”

The man said he and his colleagues are saving the company from the boss’s “incompetence, impetuousness and idiocy” by slow-walking his initiatives, wasting days on fruitless research while building pointless slide decks, misfiling documents, taking extended coffee breaks, writing long memos, and holding never-ending meetings off-site to brainstorm, often going to industry conferences to ‘network’, thus ensuring nothing ever gets done.

“If this thing goes down,” the secret conspirator said, “I want the world to know that I, and my anonymous colleagues, had nothing to do with it. Sure, I cashed the paycheck, used the healthcare and vacation days, and will retire in comfort, but I did my darnedest to resist that bozo. We are the true unsung heroes of this company, and it’s time everyone knew it.”

The township man said he decided to conceal his identity because, “I really need this job, and as bad as things are here, I’m afraid they might worse somewhere else. Plus the company stock is through the roof and I’m not yet fully vested.”

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Op-Ed Blowback: Trump Behavior Shames Economy

(2018-09-06) — The U.S. Economy today said it was embarrassed at its own impressive growth after learning — from a new Bob Woodward book and an anonymous op-ed in The New York Times — that the country is run by an impetuous idiot.

“Here I am happily growing and creating jobs,” the Economy said, “while this amoral, bozo blunders around the White House saying stupid stuff, and causing chaos for his staffers. It’s humiliating for me to succeed at this level, at a time when senior administration officials have to steal documents from the president’s desk just to maintain proper decorum.”

Reached by phone early this morning, National Security, Deregulation and Judicial Restraint sheepishly agreed with the Economy saying they feel their pleasant circumstances were purchased at the cost of turmoil for senior officials, who have to bear the unfair burden of coping with Trump’s embarrassing behavior just to make America great again.

“When we see the suffering of the anonymous resistance,” they said, “we feel guilty about thriving. After all, what do the American people want more than anything, if not a White House that runs according to historic protocol?”

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New Cruz Ad: Beto ‘Not as Cool as Every Texan Thinks’

(2018-09-05) — Sen. Ted Cruz, threatened by an insurgent reelection opponent who’s raising big money and packing rallies in Texas, today dropped “a powerful negative ad” pointing out that Democrat Rep. Beto O’Rourke is “not as cool as every Texan thinks.”

The :60-second attack video, plays over a heavy rock music track from O’Rourke’s former punk band and shows the young Democrat, his hair rakishly tousled, jumping a curb on a skateboard, swinging a jean-clad leg over a low-slung Harley, smiling humbly as he’s swarmed by adoring young women, and dropping the F-bomb with conviction in a public speech before a cheering, standing-room-only crowd.”

The game-changing ‘Cruz for Senate 2018’ ad ends with the distinctive voice of Sen. Cruz saying: “Beto: he’s not as cool as you think. He’s not as cool as every Texan thinks.”

Although the Republican’s campaign has turned defensive, an unnamed GOP consultant said he’s not concerned about the outcome in November.

“Sen. Cruz runs a well-oiled machine,” the consultant said, “and anyone who takes even a few hours to review his voluminous policy positions, including the copious footnotes, will respect his erudition, and will — quite possibly — vote for him.”

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