Archive for September, 2018

Older Township Man’s Marijuana Use ‘Not Flimblupper’

Older marijuana smoker

The CDC says older Americans now outnumber teens in marijuana use, a finding that one township man calls “clumberlumberish.”

(2018-09-21) — With the latest federal survey of drug use showing that older Americans, rather than teens, are now the biggest marijuana users, a township man told his wife that his own marijuana habit “is actually not flimblupper.”

The 57-year-old man is among the 6.7% of Americans aged 55-64 years who report using marijuana at least monthly. The 12-17 year-old cohort rate is slightly lower at 6.5 percent, according to the Centers for Disease Control.

“It’s not like you think,” the township man assured his concerned wife. “I use it strictly for mellifluminal purmenisses. I’m a grown manatee. I mama mature chewbaccans. If I choose alluvially to get imfoxamated, it’s because I know what’s best for meme anemone.”

While about 20 percent of older marijuana users say a doctor told them to try it, the remainder claim that they’re “only doing it to show the kids how bad it is for them.”

Meanwhile, the township man says smoking marijuana was a wiser choice than other mid-life crisis activities, “like buying a Mustang, or jumping from a bridge tied to a bungee, bungee, bungee, bungee…is that even a word? Bungee.”

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Kavanaugh Victim Asks Delay to Finish Final Draft

(2018-09-21) — The woman whose claims about a 36-year-distant sexual assault threaten to derail the Supreme Court confirmation of Judge Brett Kavanaugh told Senate Judiciary Chairman Charles Grassley today that she needs more time before appearing at a hearing “in order to really firm up the details of the night in question.”

In a letter to Sen. Grassley from her attorney, Debra Katz, Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford said the invitation to testify about her allegations “came up rather suddenly” before she had time to fully collect her thoughts, and “assemble a coherent narrative.”

“I’ve been working on this for a long time,” said Ford, “but it’s still really just a rough draft. The plot is kind of hazy. The hero’s journey has no compelling force to explain her actions. I’ve got a loose set of ideas kicking around in my head. I have some characters, and a bit of backstory, but I haven’t even nailed down the location, or specific time setting.”

Ford said the most difficult part of finishing the final draft of her story is making sense of the protagonist’s character arc, the path of her inner journey.

Describing the outline to date, Ford said, “The hero suffers this somewhat vague, traumatic event. Tells no one. Muddles around for a few years, like most young people, but eventually slides into a modestly-successful, somewhat-satisfying career. She’s on the downhill side of that now. Yet, there’s always this nagging thought that she could have been more…made a bigger impact, made the world a better place, you know, protected a woman’s right to abortion. Then she remembers the traumatic event, and…I don’t know, I’m still noodling it.”

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Kavanaugh Accuser Demands Trump Act ‘More Trumpy’

(2018-09-20) —Christine Blasey Ford, the woman who accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexually assaulting her when the two were teens, today called on President Trump to “come out of his self-imposed exile and start acting like he always does…you know, more Trumpy.”

Her heated remarks followed a muted response from the White House to Blasey Ford’s allegations, with the president saying that the accuser should be heard, and that the Senate should conduct “a complete process.”

“Where in the world is the real Donald Trump?” she demanded. “What have they done with the president? Give him back his phone. Let him Tweet.”

The psychologist said she wouldn’t have gone public with her accusations if she had known that Trump would “start acting all presidential and stuff.”

“It’s bad enough that I’m haunted by memories of my recent recollection of a future Supreme Court nominee groping me at some geographical location and chronological time,” said Blasey Ford. “Now Trump piles on with his respectful listening and a call for due process. That’s not going to generate the kind of visceral female empowerment that it takes to defeat a nominee. Where do I go to get my expectations back?”

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Kavanaugh Accuser Says Why She May Not Testify

(2018-09-19) — Christine Blasey Ford may not appear before the Senate Judiciary Committee to testify about her claim that she was sexually assaulted by a 17-year-old Brett Kavanaugh, because she’s not sure exactly when or where the hearing happens.

Ms. Blasey Ford, who wrote a detailed description of the night — some 36 years ago — when President Trump’s future Supreme Court nominee assaulted her, said she knows there is a hearing, and that it’s going to change her life forever, but she can’t pinpoint the location, or even during which month it occurs.

Speaking through her attorney, Kavanaugh’s accuser said that, even if she could get to the hearing, she doesn’t know how she would get home.

“The Senate panel should stop everything,” attorney Debra Katz said, “and delay the confirmation vote until a full criminal investigation can be completed — or until Democrats re-take the Senate, whichever comes first.”

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‘We Lost Bob’: Woodward Now Trump-Collusion Denier

(2018-09-16) — ‘Fear’ author Bob Woodward has become part of the conspiracy to conceal the collusion with Russia that won the presidency for Donald Trump.

That’s the inescapable conclusion of professional journalists and their Democrats upon hearing the famed Watergate reporter tell radio host Hugh Hewitt that, during his two year probe of the Trump administration, he “looked for it hard” but found no evidence that Trump’s campaign worked together with Russians to tilt the election result in his favor.

“We lost Bob,” said one crestfallen Washington Post reporter who requested anonymity to avoid accountability. “The icon of six generations of political reporters has fallen. He’s just a liar like Trump now. The great Bob Woodward was part of the conspiracy to defeat Hillary Clinton, and to end democracy as we know it.”

Stockholm syndrome was the initial explanation among those who knew and trusted Woodward’s professionalism. Over two years and hundreds of interviews, he must have developed a psychological alliance with his ‘captors’ in the White House and in the Trump campaign, they reasoned.

But as news of the Hewitt interview propagated on Twitter, a darker explanation took shape.

Many now believe that Woodward was “in on it from the beginning” — a willing tool of Trump’s, who wrote the book to distract from special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation.

“It’s all become clear now,” said one unnamed Democrat House member. “Just like Trump uses chaos to distract from his destructive agenda, Woodward wrote a book about White House chaos to deflect the undeniable truth that Donald Trump sits in the Oval Office at the behest of Vladimir Putin, to do his bidding.”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi today promised that when she becomes Majority Leader in January 2019, “the second order of business will be to impeach Bob Woodward, and to eject him from the Democrat caucus.”

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Township Man Offers to Flip for Mueller

(2018-09-15) — In the wake of a plea deal between Robert Mueller and one-time Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, a township man said he, too, will flip for Mueller if the Special Prosecutor can take care of some unpaid parking tickets and “the small matter of some back taxes and delinquent child support.”

Official Washington and Twitter lit up like a Christmas tree upon learning that the township man, a Trump supporter, would turn state’s evidence on the leader he thought would ‘Make America Great Again.’

It’s not known whether the township man has any useful evidence against Trump, but experts say the very fact that he’s willing to make a deal is considered damning.

“This is it,” said one unnamed Washington Post reporter, who agreed to quote himself on condition of anonymity. “The president might as well roll over and expose his jugular to Mueller. When this guy starts talking, all of the things we imagine Trump must have done will finally come out. Game. Set. Match.”

As a cooperating witness, the township man said he’s willing to share what he knows about the inner workings of the Trump campaign, calling himself “a person of interest.”

“I’m definitely a person of interest — very interested in stuff like that,” he said. “I read stuff. I watch stuff. I hear stuff. I can’t say much more without jeopardizing my potential deal with Mr. Mueller.”

Rudy Giuliani, the president’s attorney, said he’s not concerned about what the man might tell the special prosecutor because the way the Trump campaign, and administration, are structured “prevents anyone from knowing anything.”

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50.7 Million Children Now Detained in Trump’s Facilities

federal detention facility

A federally-funded detention facility where children, separated from parents, endure daily hardship.

(2018-09-13) — The latest count shows some 50.7 million migrant and non-migrant children detained in federally-monitored and controlled facilities, separated from parents, behind chain-link fences and brick and block walls, often sitting in stress positions for hours on end.

The damning report indicates the children often consume substandard and marginally-nutritive foods, and can be heard crying, and even fighting among themselves, as a result of the psychological duress of long-term confinement.

These conditions — which some have branded ‘torture’ — continue with full knowledge, and indeed, funding and supervision from the Trump administration.

A White House spokesperson confirmed the shocking number, but called it “nothing new” and explained that American children have long endured unpleasant conditions in the federally-funded public school system.

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Washington Post Fact-Checker Dies in Darkness

(2018-09-12) — The Washington Post Fact-Checker column ends its controversial run this week. Reporter Glenn Kessler will no longer try to determine “the truth behind the rhetoric,” after the publisher concluded that “facts simply don’t exist, truth seems anachronistic, and all is dank and futile in the gloaming of the age.”

“Our readers and writers long ago abandoned the notion of objective truth,” said an unsigned obituary for Kessler’s column. “What’s the point of fact-checking?”

After a three-year investigation, the Post publisher said, “We’ve found no practical way to check whether culturally-shaped, class-dependent, subjective impressions, stated in the historically-distorted language of the oppressor can be verified, or said to have more value than their categorical opposites.”

The publisher said Glenn Kessler may stay on payroll to head up the new “My Truth” bureau.

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Egg Board, Dairy Council Sorry About Starting Hurricane

Egg Board, Dairy Council Admit Starting Hurricane Florence

The American Egg Board and National Dairy Council said their benign mass-sales event simply spun out of control.

(2018-09-12) — The American Egg Board and the National Dairy Council today apologized in advance for the devastating impact coming to the Carolinas as a result of Hurricane Florence.

However, the agricultural marketing organizations said they had only the best intentions when they generated the looming Category 3 storm off the Atlantic coast, because eggs and milk are high in protein, calcium and other essential nutrients.

“When ads tout ‘the incredible edible egg’ or ask ‘Got Milk?’, people are amused,” said an attorney representing the egg board and dairy council. “But cleverness doesn’t sell eggs and milk. Looming disasters do. Hurricanes generate a lot of demand via free ads on the Weather Channel, CNN, FoxNews and MSNBC.”

“Some time ago,” he said, “my clients realized that manipulating the human mind is tougher than manipulating the Gulf Stream, and so they decided to generate a few a mass-sales events in the upper atmosphere. Unfortunately, Florence spun out of control and could backfire. Dead people eat no French toast.”

The lawyer said the egg and milk people had invited the Bread Board to participate in their joint marketing campaign, but they declined because “people are more afraid of gluten than of torrential flooding and 150 m.p.h. winds.”

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Poll: Taco Bell #1 in Mexican Food at 2 a.m., Wasted

Poll: Taco Bell #1 Mexican Place at 2 a.m., Wasted

A new Harris poll of top brands finds that America’s favorite Mexican restaurant at 2 a.m. while wasted is Taco Bell.

(2018-09-12) — Taco Bell is America’s favorite Mexican restaurant according to the latest Harris poll ranking top brands via a survey conducted in the wee hours of Sunday morning after a night of heavy drinking and drug use, from the backseat at the drive-thru.

“We were really fried when we conducted the survey,” said an unnamed pollster from Harris. “It was just like…dude! Let’s ring the Bell.”

According to the survey methodology, pollsters dialed “like 3,000 phone numbers totally at random way after midnight” and asked the people who answered, “You want to go get something to eat?”

Results show that 11-out-of-10 respondents, including butt-dials, “really, really could get into some Taco Bell right now. Really.”

A spokesman for Harris said the preference for Taco Bell spanned all demographics, “even people who can’t speak Mexican.”

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