Archive for August, 2018

Dope Scandal Bans Russia from 2020 U.S. Elections

(2018-08-21) — Russia is barred from participation in the 2020 U.S. election competition after revelations of a dope scandal rocked the political world.

While journalists contend Russia played a dominant role in U.S. elections in 2016, experts have confirmed widespread dopiness.

“The Russians spent millions of dollars,” said an election official. “They trolled social media, violated laws, and enlisted countless unwitting associates in an attempt to turn what is typically a chaotic mess of lies and innuendo, into a chaotic mess of lies and innuendo. And they had zero effect on the election outcome. We don’t need a specimen cup to make this ruling: What a bunch of dopes!”

The ban will have the greatest negative impact on the Russian spearfishing team. They were the odds-on favorite to overtake the perennial-champion Nigerian royal family.

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Sen. Collins Asks Kavanaugh To Do Her Abortion

(2018-08-21) — Because abortion is not an abstract legal issue, but a personal choice, Republican Sen. Susan Collins of Maine said she’ll ask President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee today if he would perform an abortion on her.

“I want a direct answer from Judge Kavanaugh,” said Collins, “not a legal dance routine, or a statement about whether Roe v. Wade was properly decided. Ultimately, my litmus test is this: Would you, Brett Kavanaugh, abort my fetus right here, right now?”

Collins, like Alaska Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski, has indicated that she’d be reluctant to confirm a court nominee hostile to abortion rights.

At age 65, the Maine Senator might seem an unlikely abortion candidate, but Collins said Kavanaugh knows nothing of her personal life, and she’ll expect “a simple yes or no answer.”

“I won’t accept theoretical speculation, but simply hand him the speculum,” she said.

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Sundale Man’s Girlfriend ‘Locked-In’ by Shared Hulu

(2018-08-20) — A Sundale man says he shared his Hulu password with his new girlfriend as a way to “lock her in for the long haul.”

“In the past, I’ve had girlfriends just up and leave because they claimed I was unwilling to commit,” said the man. “Lesson learned. This one knows I’m serious because she’s got my Hulu password. She’s not going to walk out on a $12 per month perk like that…commercial-free.”

He added that, “If it starts to look like she’s really the one, I might also share my Netflix password with her. But we’re not ready to take that step yet.”

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Police Reach Deal with NFL Anthem Protestors

(2018-08-18) — In an agreement worked out late Saturday night, police unions across the United States agreed to stop hunting, shooting and gratuitously detaining and roughing-up black people, while NFL Players Union members agreed to stand respectfully during the national anthem, starting with Sunday’s games.

Police said they “buckled under the tremendous moral pressure brought to bear by pro football players kneeling or raising a fist during the anthem.”

“Until recently, most police officers, regardless of color, felt it was acceptable to shoot black people whether they posed a threat or not,” said a police spokesman. “But then the kneeling ballplayers started a national conversation, and the guys in the precincts got woke, and decided to obey the law…but only if players would respect the anthem.”

The landmark deal brings down the curtain on the most tumultous and tragic epoch in American civil rights history.

With the end so-called blue-on-black violence, protesting NFL players said they’re excited they can stand again, and proudly sing the anthem of the land they love.

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Ex-CIA Chiefs Decry Trump Yanking Brennan Status

(2018-08-18) — A dozen former CIA officials penned an open letter alleging President Donald Trump revoked former CIA boss John Brennan’s security clearances as a unprecedented “political tool”, and demanded restoration of Brennan’s top-secret access to help him make political attacks against Trump on TV and in newspapers.

The letter, signed by intel chiefs dating back to the Reagan administration, noted that “It’s tough to get in front of the cable news cameras if they think you don’t know anything more than the average person who watches cable news. Who’s going to book a retired know-nothing? Without cable news hits, it’s tougher to get book deals and consulting gigs, or to position oneself for work in a future administration. Next thing you know, you’ll see these very important men living in cardboard boxes under a bridge.”

While some of the signatories of the letter disagree with Brennan’s political attacks on Trump, they noted that “conscience demands that one know upon which side one’s bread is buttered. Face it: without security clearances, we’re all just asterisks in the history books.”

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DNC to Stage 2020 Convention in ‘Affordable’ Venezuela

(2018-08-17) — Citing an abundance of affordable hotels, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) announced today it would hold its 2020 presidential nominating convention in Caracas, Venezuela.

Explaining the historic decision to stage a convention outside of the nominal boundaries of the United States, DNC Chair Tom Perez said, “Thanks to Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro’s Progressive administration, the bolívar now trades at 6 million to the U.S. dollar, so Democrat dollars will buy a lot of anything that might still be available in Caracas.”

“Our DNC site search committee had the following priorities,” Perez said. “First, we looked for diversity without English-language hegemony, fairness and equality of outcome, sensible gun legislation, enlightened government leadership, and of course, low, low prices. Many Democrat-run U.S. cities scored 3-out-of-5 or better on our Progressive site-selection index, but Venezuela checked every box.”

Venezuelan society has become “admirably equitable” under President Maduro, he added, noting that food, water, health care and essential services have become “almost-equally inaccessible to all.”

During the convention, DNC delegates will take side trips to attractions like the Caracas Zoo where they can enjoy “a taste of the African savannah.” They’ll also dine on any familiar delicacies that make it through the luggage search at Venezuelan Customs.

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Trump Silences Ex-CIA Boss, Times Op-Ed Claims

(2018-08-16) — Former CIA Director John Brennan said President Donald Trump yanked his security clearance to silence his criticism of Trump. Brennan’s influence and voice has been eliminated, he said in an op-ed in today’s New York Times and on MSNBC.

Trump pulled the Obama administration official’s clearances because the president believes Brennan deceptively instigated what became the Mueller investigation, and has kept up a relentless attack against the president, which The White House said has national security implications.

In his Times column, Brennan calls Trump’s claim that there was “no collusion” between his campaign and Russia, “hogwash.”

“Like a dictator, Trump shut me down and squelched my voice,” Brennan wrote in the globally-distributed news source. “No one can hear me now. Free speech is dead, and Trump will run amok.”

“I don’t know why I go on,” the former CIA chief added, “since no one reads The New York Times or watches MSNBC. Hello…is this thing on?”

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Omarosa Has Trump Oval Office Tape and Dispenser

(2018-08-15) — Omarosa Manigault-Newman dropped another bombshell today against an already shell-shocked White House revealing that she has Oval Office tape from President Trump’s tenure, as well as an executive office tape dispenser.

In a CNN interview, Manigault-Newman said she didn’t mention the Oval Office tape in her new book, Unhinged, because of “a sticky legal situation regarding government property.”

“To those who claim I was a marginal character in the administration, usually excluded from important meetings,” Omarosa said, “I have tangible evidence that I was at the president’s side, sometimes with my hand in his drawers.”

The former reality-TV star and senior White House official said in the coming days she’ll roll out snippets of the tape and share them with the news media.

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Area Man Embroils The Onion in $2 Million Lawsuit

(2018-08-15) — Just days after humor site The Onion became embroiled in a $2 million lawsuit by a former financial advisor against its parent corporation, Univision, an area man revealed that he is the majority shareholder in the firm that filed the suit, and that The Onion’s writers and editors “will see who laughs out of the other side of his face all the way to the bank now.”

The area man, who said he holds a controlling interest in GCA Advisors — the firm contracted in 2013 to prepare The Onion for sale — said he hopes the breach-of-contract suit will “give those smart-alecks their come-back and pay-uppance for a relentless campaign of disparagement and other forms of paragement toward me, and toward great average Americans like me.”

Hounded from the public square by detractors and paparazzi, the area man claims The Onion made him a special target of derision, always portraying him as a hapless dimwit.

According to his lawsuit, “Defendant [“Area Man”], due to The Onion’s violation of his privacy and of his publicity, can no longer make a reservation for a quiet night out at Luby’s Cafeteria or even at the Happy Good Moon Food Chinese Buffet, without drawing mockery about his intellect from restaurant staff speaking the broken-English language.”

“It’s not about the money or about revenge,” the area man said, “I just want $2 million, and to watch them suffer.”

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Charlottesville Rally Bust Made White Man Feel Blue

(2018-08-14) — After a white supremacist anniversary rally in Charlottesville, Va., turned out to be a bust, one participant said he’ll return to full-time internet trolling, but added that he feels “a little blue, and that’s a color I can’t stand either.”

The unnamed racist said he had a great time at the 2017 “Unite the Right” rally in Charlottesville, an event capped by one man’s celebratory “Ramming of the Crowd.”

However, this year’s event failed to attract more than a handful of white nationalists, who were vastly outnumbered by Antifa, so-called anti-fascist counter-protestors.

“From what we’ve seen online, we assumed our Mighty Whitey movement was huge and growing,” the racist said. “As it turns out, it was merely a handful of Kommitted Keyboard Kowards, and the repeated media coverage a few devoted brothers that gave us that impression.”

The white racist said he felt lonely and adrift, and that he might soon make a career move.

“I’m might go full Antifa,” the self-proclaimed bigot said, “if only for the fellowship, the chance to feel anonymously special, and to be the tough guy that my internet comments imply that I am.”

Asked why a committed white racist would switch teams, he said, “White hood or black hoodie: It’s all the same to me. Plus, Antifa actually backs up its tough talk with real violence. Hurting people and damaging property is not a rare phenomenon with Antifa — it’s who they are. I saw them roughing up reporters, and frankly got a little jealous. That’s how bigotry and hatred is supposed to look.”

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