Dope Scandal Bans Russia from 2020 U.S. Elections

(2018-08-21) — Russia is barred from participation in the 2020 U.S. election competition after revelations of a dope scandal rocked the political world.

While journalists contend Russia played a dominant role in U.S. elections in 2016, experts have confirmed widespread dopiness.

“The Russians spent millions of dollars,” said an election official. “They trolled social media, violated laws, and enlisted countless unwitting associates in an attempt to turn what is typically a chaotic mess of lies and innuendo, into a chaotic mess of lies and innuendo. And they had zero effect on the election outcome. We don’t need a specimen cup to make this ruling: What a bunch of dopes!”

The ban will have the greatest negative impact on the Russian spearfishing team. They were the odds-on favorite to overtake the perennial-champion Nigerian royal family.

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