Area Man Embroils The Onion in $2 Million Lawsuit

(2018-08-15) — Just days after humor site The Onion became embroiled in a $2 million lawsuit by a former financial advisor against its parent corporation, Univision, an area man revealed that he is the majority shareholder in the firm that filed the suit, and that The Onion’s writers and editors “will see who laughs out of the other side of his face all the way to the bank now.”

The area man, who said he holds a controlling interest in GCA Advisors — the firm contracted in 2013 to prepare The Onion for sale — said he hopes the breach-of-contract suit will “give those smart-alecks their come-back and pay-uppance for a relentless campaign of disparagement and other forms of paragement toward me, and toward great average Americans like me.”

Hounded from the public square by detractors and paparazzi, the area man claims The Onion made him a special target of derision, always portraying him as a hapless dimwit.

According to his lawsuit, “Defendant [“Area Man”], due to The Onion’s violation of his privacy and of his publicity, can no longer make a reservation for a quiet night out at Luby’s Cafeteria or even at the Happy Good Moon Food Chinese Buffet, without drawing mockery about his intellect from restaurant staff speaking the broken-English language.”

“It’s not about the money or about revenge,” the area man said, “I just want $2 million, and to watch them suffer.”

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