Archive for August, 2018

Township Man Eager for His Star-Studded Funeral

(2018-08-31) — “A great line-up of celebrity eulogies. Top pop stars singing their favorite songs. Gales of laughter and torrents of tears.”

That’s the way a township man said he envisions his upcoming funeral. The anticipation is nearly killing him.

This week’s massive public celebrations of the lives of Sen. John McCain and singer Aretha Franklin have inspired the township man, who requested anonymity to discourage paparazzi.

“I’ve already drawn up the short list of politicians and other famous performers,” he said, “and my ‘save the date’ invitations will go out soon. It’s going to take some time to plan such a gala blow-out, so I figured I should start while I’m still relatively young and healthy. ”

“It’s all he talks about these days,” the township man’s wife said. “I think I’m even more eager to see it than he is.”

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Trump to Ron DeSantis Critics: “Monkey Off!”

(2018-08-30) — President Donald Trump came to the defense of Florida’s embattled Republican nominee for governor, Ron DeSantis, in the wake of allegations the gubernatorial candidate had issued a “racist dog whistle” by using the phrase “monkey it up” in a TV interview.

DeSantis has denied allegations that he had his African-American Democratic opponent’s ethnicity in mind when said that, “Florida is going in a good direction” and should not “monkey it up” with socialism, tax hikes and deficit spending.

In response, the White House this morning released the following statement attributed to Trump:

“Socialism has monkeyed up every monkeying country where it’s been tried. First you get a bunch of elitist power-hungry mother-monkeyers, who take advantage of the poor dumb monkeys. Socialist government then monkeys the productive citizens out of their wealth, and pisses away all of the monkeying money.”

“As for Ron DeSantis, there is not a racist monkeying bone in his whole monkeying body.”

“So, to Ron’s critics, and to mine, I say: “Monkey off!”

— President Donald J. Trump

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Must Democrats Back Florida Man Who Beat Woman?

(2018-08-29) — The Democratic National Committee sequestered itself behind closed doors this morning to debate the proper reaction to Tuesday’s drubbing of a woman by a man in the Florida primary for governor.

Still stinging from its failure to get Hillary Clinton (who is a woman) into the White House, DNC leaders engaged in some “serious soul-searching,” according to insiders.

Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum pulled off a surprise upset of former Congresswoman Gwen Graham, earning a chance to be the state’s first Black governor. But DNC insiders say his victory has thrown the party into a quandary.

“Democrats don’t want to celebrate a woman bruising her head on the glass ceiling, especially when she gets beaten by a man,” said one unnamed national committee-person. “On the other hand, we’re thrilled that an African-American defeated Graham, who is a member of the oppressor White race.”

Yet the dilemma is not that simple.

Democratic party faithful also expressed discomfort that Gillum won the primary with support from Black church congregations, which makes him look like part of the dominant Christian religion that has repressed people for centuries.

Asked if the DNC struggles with the fact that Gillum also crushed Democrat candidate Philip Levine, who is Jewish, the party leader simply shrugged.

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Trump on McCain: “I like people who don’t die, OK?”

(2018-08-28) — After days of sending mixed signals about the passing of the late Sen. John McCain, President Trump today suggested that the outpouring of positive McCain remembrances on TV and social media have come for just one reason.

“We only mourn McCain because he died,” Trump told a reporter. “I like people who don’t die. OK? I hate to tell you.”

The remark echoed Trump’s 2016 campaign quip that McCain is “only a war hero because he got captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

Even though ABC reporter Jonathan Karl really wanted him to, the president has until now refused to comment about his former bitter rival — the man who almost single-handedly blocked the repeal of Obamacare.

“Let’s be honest,” Trump said today. “All this praise, the tributes, lowering the flag, the big viewing in the Capitol Rotunda — none of this would be happening if John McCain were still alive. It seems like a lot of reversionist history to me.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, acknowledging the fraught relationship between the two Republican politicians, said, “Some men will carry a grudge against another man until his rival is in the grave. President Trump doesn’t give up that easy.”

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4-in-5 Democrats Would Elect McCain President Now

(2018-08-27) —  A new Ipsos-Factos poll of registered Democrats, taken in the wake of Sen. John McCain’s death, indicates that some 80 percent of them would vote for the decorated war hero, legendary senator and bipartisan statesman, in a head-to-head contest with anyone from any party.

“There’s never been a Republican, a politician, or even a man, like him,” said one unnamed Democratic survey respondent. “He’s exactly the one we need at a time of division like this. He’s, frankly, the only leader who can bring us together as a nation, stop all wars, and speak the truth at all times.”

As news of the poll leaked out, the Democratic National Committee sent out a Tweet cautioning party members that “voting for the deceased does not offer the same benefits as voting by the deceased.”

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Pope to Priests: Abstain from Molestation on Fridays

(2018-08-26) — As part of his sweeping crackdown on sexual abuse and coverups in the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Francis today ordered all priests, cardinals and others in the church hierarchy to abstain from molesting women, children and seminarians on Fridays.

The pontiff’s new commandment comes in the the wake of the shocking revelation by a former Vatican diplomat that the Holy Father was told as early as June 23, 2013 about U.S. Cardinal Theodore McCarrick’s history of sexually molesting seminary students. The Pope reportedly remained silent, and later repealed sanctions previously-imposed on McCarrick by Pope Benedict XVI.

Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, 77, who served as apostolic nuncio in Washington D.C. from 2011 to 2016, says he personally told the Vicar of Christ that the Vatican had a thick file of allegations against McCarrick for “gravely immoral behavior,” indicating he was a “serial predator.” Yet, McCarrick’s influence with the Vatican grew greater during Francis’ pontificate.

Viganò’s 11-page public letter, detailing a wide-spread coverup among church leaders, sparked Pope Francis to issue the new ex cathedra (infallible) pronouncement that, in addition to abstaining from meat on Friday’s, priests must on that same day each week “penitentially refrain from wooing, grooming, groping or otherwise violating parishioners or students under their pastoral care.”

 

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New Video of Lost Amazon Tribe Captures “F*** Trump”

(2018-08-24) — Video shot from a drone, showing a previously-unknown tribe isolated deep in the Amazon jungle, captured what appears to be a formation of stones in the dirt, spelling out in large letters “F*** Trump.” The tribe has had no known contact with the outside world, according to Funai, the Brazilian government agency that mounted the jungle expedition.

Linguists do yet know what the symbols signify, nor why asterisks were used to partially disguise the message, which appears in a jungle clearing in letters large enough to be seen from the International Space Station.

The video also shows dugout canoes made of tree trunks, a thatched hut, and nearly-naked tribesmen wielding primitive hand-made spears and bows. Experts said the civilization apparently survives with tools made from sticks and stones tied together.

“It’s startling to discover that this prehistoric tribe has some form of written language,” said a Funai spokesman. “Even more fascinating is their apparent expectation that someone might read their message, or care.”

Leaders of the expedition dubbed the tribesmen “Proto-Tweeter,” then departed the region, leaving them undisturbed.

 

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Indicted Lawmaker’s Wife Also Handled Federal Budget

Rep. Duncan Hunter's wife, Margaret, managing federal budget | ScrappleFace by Scott Ott

Rep. Duncan Hunter blamed his wife, Margaret, for their illegal use of campaign funds, and for the deplorable condition of the federal budget, which he claims she has also managed for years.

(2018-08-24) — Indicted U.S. Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-CA, who blamed his wife for illegally using $250,000 in campaign cash to fund a lavish lifestyle because she handled the finances, today admitted that Margaret Hunter has also managed federal spending for years.

“Congress doesn’t really have time to keep an eye on the budget,” said the conservative lawmaker, “so years ago, we gave Margaret authority to deposit the checks, pay the bills, and manage the petty cash as she sees fit.”

Experts say Margaret Hunter outspent federal income by more than $665 billion last year, and she has racked up roughly $21.3 trillion in debt, not including her long-term off-the-books ‘unfunded obligations’ that could outpace tax revenues in years to come.

“Duncan’s wife has done a terrible job managing the budget,” said a Congressman who spoke anonymously to avoid responsibility. “You can’t keep borrowing money, and buying everything you want without a plan to pay it off. She often hides the true extent of her mismanagement, and her scheme to take a second mortgage on our grandchildren has been a disaster.”

If history gives any indication, an unnamed prosecutor said, Mrs. Hunter’s fiscal mismanagement should lead to a six-figure salary and a corner office at a government contractor.

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Trump’s #HushMeansHush Helps NDA-Breach Victims

(2018-08-23) — In the wake of his personal attorney, Michael Cohen, pleading guilty to buying the silence of women who claimed to have had affairs with Donald Trump, the president today launched a new Twitter campaign on behalf of the victims of similar attacks.

The White House said the #HushMeansHush campaign demonstrates President Trump’s compassion toward those hardest hit when a non-disclosure agreement (NDA) gets violated, and thus becomes much more tragic than if such an agreement had never been signed.

The idea for the campaign came from the now-famous #MeToo movement for victims of sexual abuse, but shows support for a much smaller minority — wealthy people who thought they had successfully purchased the silence of people who were witnesses to, or participants in, behavior that might prove embarrassing were it to come to light.

Trump hopes that his “righteous cause” will become a rallying cry among his Conservative and religious supporters.

“To Make America Great Again,” Trump tweeted, “a woman’s word should be her bond. If you say you’ll keep quiet, and you take the money, you should shut up. Doesn’t it say something about that in two Corinthians? Am I right? #HushMeansHush”

A spokesman for Melania Trump said the First Lady’s silence in the wake of recent news shows that she embraces the spirit of her husband’s new Twitter campaign.

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Cohen, Manafort Felony Guilt Spurs Trump Departure

Trump cleans out desk after associates found guilty of felonies: ScrappleFace, by Scott Ott

In the wake of the devastating guilt of Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, President Trump cleans out his desk in the Oval Office.

(2018-08-22) — After two close associates became felons Tuesday, President Trump seemed to read the writing on the wall, began to clean out his desk in the Oval Office, and announced his departure via Twitter this morning.

A jury yesterday convicted former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort of eight counts of fraud, and the president’s longtime personal attorney, Michael Cohen, entered a plea agreement confessing himself guilty of eight felony counts of tax evasion and campaign finance violations. Cohen told prosecutors he paid hush money to women at Trump’s direction to help get him elected.

Unnamed White House sources said, the avalanche of social media celebrations, the cable news triumphalism, and a “personal sense of shame,” finally brought down the man some called ‘The Teflon Don.’

Early this morning, Trump tweeted a selfie glaring over his empty desktop, then tweeted the words: “That’s it. I’m licked. I can’t take the media abuse, nor the burden of my own conscience anymore. I’m done. Democrats won. God save President Pence! #DingDong #TheWitchIsDead”

Trump tweets Oval Office departure: ScrappleFace, by Scott Ott

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