Archive for July, 2018

New Evidence Indicates You Were Right All Along

(2018-07-18) — Despite a blizzard of naysayers, recently uncovered evidence proves that you were right from the beginning, and that no further argument is necessary.

The proof that you’ve been correct, despite the fact that no one would listen to you, emerged from countless hours of research — watching videos, listening to podcasts, and reading essays by people whose agreement with you established your point conclusively.

Trusted experts say the emerging information merely affirms what they’ve known intuitively for years, and should silence the skeptics, end partisan division, and turn the tide for the country.

 

Duped: Sacha Baron Cohen Apes Strzok at Hearings

(2018-07-13) — Comic actor and prankster Sacha Baron Cohen admitted today that he appeared this week before the House Judiciary and Oversight Committees disguised as FBI agent Peter Strzok, sparking several chaotic confrontations, but leaving Congressmen none the wiser.

“We were duped,” said Rep. Trey Gowdy, after learning that the hearing was nothing but an elaborate prank to be played for laughs in Cohen’s upcoming CBS-Showtime series.

In recent days, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, former Judge Roy Moore, and former Vice President Dick Cheney have all learned they were victims of Cohen’s masquerade. But appearing before a Congressional panel may be the crown jewel among Cohen’s outlandish pranks.

“We really thought we were grilling Peter Strzok,” Gowdy said, “when in fact we were talking to a fraud, a liar, and a poseur who will do anything to humiliate Republicans, and to advance his agenda.”

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Trump Dumps on May Way to Brexit, Wrecks It

President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger diplomatic Armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

(2018-07-13) — After years of campaigning, a public referendum, and thousands hours of deliberations and negotiations over the U.K. exit from the European Union — known as Brexit — sources said U.S. President Donald Trump ruined everything yesterday.

According to deeply-concerned diplomats, Trump’s revelation to a British tabloid that Prime Minister Theresa May ignored his advice will likely scuttle Brexit, tank global financial markets, bring down the May government, dethrone Queen Elizabeth II, shutter pubs throughout the Commonwealth, and recapitulate the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering World War I and the inevitable rise to power of Adolf Hitler, thus threatening to undo the highly-successful foreign policy legacy of former President Barack Obama.

“I can’t imagine anything worse,” said one diplomat who requested anonymity to avoid responsibility. “Trump’s remarks are literally the most catastrophic thing to ever happen to Britain and to all of Europe, without exception.”

Experts also agreed that U.S. First Lady Melania Trump looked stunning in a flowing, yellow, off-the-shoulder gown from J. Mendel, but only because President Trump didn’t say anything about it.

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Papa John’s to Replace Founder with Rap Star

(2018-07-12) — Hours after Papa John’s founder and Chairman John Schnatter left the company after admitting using “the N-word” on a phone call with consultants in May, the restaurant chain said it would fill his position on the board of directors with a hip-hop and rap star “whose work everyone knows.”

While not explicitly naming the entertainer who will chair the board, a Papa John’s spokesman said the company “seeks racial diversity on its board, and wants someone who’s not tone deaf, and yet who can say anything without generating a news story, or a public relations crisis.”

Schnatter stepped down as CEO last year under duress after noting that Papa John’s sales suffered when the NFL’s audience shrunk because of National Anthem protests by some players. In his latest offense, Schnatter said on a conference call that KFC’s Colonel Sanders had used to use the N-word to describe Black people.

Papa John’s stock rebounded on news of the Chairman’s departure, as investors we’re reassured that the company is now utterly free of racial bias and hate.

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NATO Rejects ‘Obsolete’ Label in Telegram to Trump

(2018-07-11) — The head of the NATO virgorously rejected U.S. President Donald Trump’s suggestion that the 69-year-old defense alliance is “obsolete.” The fiery reaction came in a terse telegram to Trump, received at the East Portico of the White House from a mounted courier late yesterday.

“NATO NOT OBSOLETE STOP YOUR REMARKS OF THE 10TH INSTANT NOT HELPFUL STOP WE DEMAND SATISFACTION STOP YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT J.S.,” said the telegram from NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, eldest son of Thorvald Stoltenberg, of the Oslo Stoltenbergs.

As the blistering telegram message crackled through the trans-Atlantic cable, Mr. Stoltenberg also dispatched his personal emissary aboard a Norwegian schooner. A crowd of courtiers saw him off with well-wishes, tearfully waving handkerchiefs.

Given favorable winds, the diplomat should dock at the port of Philadelphia before year’s end, then take a carriage to the White House to demand parley with the American leader.

Should Mr. Trump fail to issue an apology, the code of honor demands he face Stoltenberg in a wooded glen to settle the matter with sabres.

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Schumer to Stall Trump Pick Until GOP Sweep

(2018-07-10) — Senate Democrats said they’ll stall confirmation of President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kanavanaugh, until Republicans capture a filibuster-proof majority in the November elections.

“Judge Kavanaugh, a great scholar whose respect for the law and the Constitution, and whose clear writing, have earned him praise across the political spectrum, is, nevertheless Trump’s nominee,” said Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer, D-NY. “He must therefore be opposed until the last swing-state Democrat loses.”

Schumer said his party is committed to the unfinished work of Hillary Clinton, who lost to Trump despite the clear choice the two offered on the abortion issue.

“America has spoken,” said Schumer, “but America was wrong. Our plan is to offer America the 2016 choice again this fall, but this time with the economy growing, unemployment — especially among minorities — at historic lows, and taxes on the decline.”

“If that doesn’t work,” he added, “then we’ll keep the Hillary hope alive until the end of Trump’s second term.”

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Strawless Starbucks To Offer Cupless ‘Direct Pour’

(2018-07-09) — Just days after announcing it would drop plastic straws to save the oceans, Starbucks today introduced the option to have your hot beverage dispensed without a cup.

The new Earth-friendly ‘Direct Pour’ service is expected to increase sales by winning over people who have avoided Starbucks as a way to protect the planet from human refuse.

“It’s a natural evolution,” said a unnamed barista at the Pike Place Starbucks in Seattle. “Instead of generating more garbage, the customer simply tilts her head back, opens wide, and receives 12-to-36 ounces of piping hot java directly from the carafe.”

Any flavored additives would follow immediately, and the barista will even create a heart design with the cream at customer request.

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Trump Demands China Send U.S. Money, Not iPhones

President Trump in this file photo expresses disgust that he's stuck with a smartphone when he could have a fistful of dollars instead.

President Trump expresses disgust that he’s stuck with a smartphone instead of a fistful of dollars.

(2018-07-06) — As the trade war escalated between the United States and China following enactment of U.S. tariffs on some Chinese-made imports, President Donald Trump today mulled a full ban on imports of iPhones and other smartphones, insisting instead that China “send us real money.”

“We have a $375 billion trade deficit with China,” Trump said. “That means that we send them genuine dollars, and all we get in return is stuff — like iPhones. From now on, when we send them dollars, we want them to send us the same number of real dollars in return. That’s the only way to truly, truly balance the trade deficit.”

As economists have long known, paper money, and its electronic equivalent, hold intrinsic value. Objects like iPhones, steel pipe, or running shoes, are mere symbols of value that facilitate the exchange of tangible dollars. The president campaigned on boosting U.S. holdings of intrinsically-valuable currency, while also increasing how long U.S. consumers must work to afford ephemeral products, which are backed by nothing more than faith in their utility.

“To get more, and better-paying, jobs in the USA,” Trump told a rally in Detroit last night, “we need to drive up the cost of what Americans buy, so that they can get second jobs, and demand higher wages. Isn’t that why you elected me? More jobs. Higher wages.”

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