Archive for July 20th, 2018

Putin Groomed ‘Brilliant Double-Agent’ Trump

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(2018-07-20) — Sources in the Kremlin said today that former KGB agent Vladimir Putin began grooming young Donald Trump as an intel asset decades before either man became president.

“Young Putin met Trump by chance, but immediately recognized in him the cunning, genius, strategic thinking, tactical mastery, and discretion required to be a brilliant double-agent,” according to an unnamed source close to the Russian president.

The revelation, of course, presumes Trump was already in the pay of the CIA, and that Putin hoped he could be turned.

“Putin plied Trump with money, women, book and personal branding deals, and fame out-of-proportion to his accomplishments,” the Kremlin source said. “Trump lapped it up, but never let on that he had become part of a long game to be Putin’s White House puppet.”

The two allegedly conspired, decades in advance, to lay the groundwork for a successful Republican presidential campaign, by having Trump cheat on and abandon wives, dive into the gambling industry, donate generously to Democrats, and studiously avoid learning about matters of policy, governance, or conservatism.

”All of Putin’s careful work has come to fruition,” the anonymous source added, “with the almost-inevitable election of a man who slavishly obeys what he’s told, and never veers from the script written by his handlers.”

The shocking revelation explains Trump’s obsequious news conference after the Helsinki summit last week, and makes his impeachment and conviction nearly as certain as Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election victory.

 

TV Shouting Match Proves Other Side Wrong

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(2018-07-20) — A televised verbal clash between rival partisans this week proved conclusively that the other side is wrong, perhaps mentally-ill, and utterly lacking in moral judgment.

The argument between talkshow guests broke out just 11 seconds into an in-depth three-minute, seven-person, panel discussion on foreign policy, executive authority, climate change, and Constitutional law. It quickly escalated to high-volume personal insults that definitively established the misjudgement and malevolence of those who hold the rival viewpoint.

“He really owned that idiot,” said an unnamed associate of the winning guest. “It was embarrassing to watch that guy just crumble in the face of the truth. I’d feel sorry for him, you know, if he weren’t hell-bent on destroying our way of life.”

The latest debate victory extends the unbroken streak of triumphs over the opposing ideology that started at the dawn of time, conclusively confirming that viewers need not listen to, ask questions about, or try to understand, alternative ideas.