Archive for July, 2018

Pelosi Echoes Trump Threat to Iran Regime

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(2018-07-23) — Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, joined hands with President Donald Trump this morning to warn Iran’s “repressive, corrupt regime” against provoking “the greatest force for liberty the world has ever seen.”

Pelosi’s bipartisan statesmanship comes after Trump Tweeted in all caps his own warning to Iranian President Hassan Rouhani against threatening the U.S., and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo likened the regime to the Mafia.

Pelosi’s state of California is home to some 250,000 Iranian-Americans, many of whom have fled the Islamic regime since it seized power in 1979.

“There’s not a millimeter of daylight between Democrats and President Trump when it comes to standing up for the long-suffering people of Iran,” Pelosi said. “If our reimposed sanctions don’t bring down the Islamic kleptocracy, the righteous resolve of Iran’s mighty people shall.”

Pelosi said her message to Iran’s anti-regime protestors in the streets is: “This time, America has your back.”

Trump Urges Twitter to Push Civility, Thought

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(2018-07-22) — President Donald Trump today called on Twitter to do more to promote thought, civility and nuanced discussions of culture, politics and public policy.

In a 5,000-word New York Times op-ed, the president proposed a variety of changes to the current short-form social media platform, that would…

  • increase the per-Tweet character limit to 270,340 to “promote deep thought, and careful exposition of ideas,”
  • allow a user to retract a Tweet when he realizes an error,
  • permit Tweeted corrections to reach all who saw the inaccurate original, and
  • introduce a 24-hour ‘cooling off period’ between composing and actually sending the Tweet.

“So often, when I Tweet, I long to fully flesh-out my ideas in a way that promotes civil dialogue, and avoids rash reactions or misunderstanding,” Trump wrote. “But the Twitter platform precludes the kind of introspection, depth of inquiry, and exposition, that foster reasoned discourse in a republic.”

Study Holds Hope Old People Can Look Like Young Mice

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(2018-07-22) — By turning off a genetic mutation in mice, scientists at the University of Alabama say they’ve reversed age-associated wrinkles, balding and gray hair, finally offering hope to elderly people that they might someday have smooth skin, dark hair and a full, thick pelt, just like younger mice.

“This is revolutionary news in our selfie-driven society, enamored as we are of cute animal videos,” said an unnamed researcher in Birmingham. “It means that your social media likes and shares can finally increase as you age, because you’ll look perpetually young, cute and furry.”

For the study, scientists altered a mouse gene to cause mitochondrial dysfunction, creating premature hair loss, graying and skin wrinkling. Then they flipped the genetic switch, reversing the apparent aging.

A spokesman for the International Geriatric Rodent Defense League (IGRDL), a non-profit advocacy group, protested the “cruel use of mouse subjects,” and questioned the importance of the research, noting that scientists had merely reversed aging that they had also induced.

“To reverse real wrinkles, gray hair and balding in humans,” the IGRDL source said, “they’d have to put my kid into rehab, pay off my credit cards, fire my boss, and get my third wife off my back. Science me that!”

Putin Groomed ‘Brilliant Double-Agent’ Trump

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(2018-07-20) — Sources in the Kremlin said today that former KGB agent Vladimir Putin began grooming young Donald Trump as an intel asset decades before either man became president.

“Young Putin met Trump by chance, but immediately recognized in him the cunning, genius, strategic thinking, tactical mastery, and discretion required to be a brilliant double-agent,” according to an unnamed source close to the Russian president.

The revelation, of course, presumes Trump was already in the pay of the CIA, and that Putin hoped he could be turned.

“Putin plied Trump with money, women, book and personal branding deals, and fame out-of-proportion to his accomplishments,” the Kremlin source said. “Trump lapped it up, but never let on that he had become part of a long game to be Putin’s White House puppet.”

The two allegedly conspired, decades in advance, to lay the groundwork for a successful Republican presidential campaign, by having Trump cheat on and abandon wives, dive into the gambling industry, donate generously to Democrats, and studiously avoid learning about matters of policy, governance, or conservatism.

”All of Putin’s careful work has come to fruition,” the anonymous source added, “with the almost-inevitable election of a man who slavishly obeys what he’s told, and never veers from the script written by his handlers.”

The shocking revelation explains Trump’s obsequious news conference after the Helsinki summit last week, and makes his impeachment and conviction nearly as certain as Hillary Clinton’s 2016 election victory.

TV Shouting Match Proves Other Side Wrong

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(2018-07-20) — A televised verbal clash between rival partisans this week proved conclusively that the other side is wrong, perhaps mentally-ill, and utterly lacking in moral judgment.

The argument between talkshow guests broke out just 11 seconds into an in-depth three-minute, seven-person, panel discussion on foreign policy, executive authority, climate change, and Constitutional law. It quickly escalated to high-volume personal insults that definitively established the misjudgement and malevolence of those who hold the rival viewpoint.

“He really owned that idiot,” said an unnamed associate of the winning guest. “It was embarrassing to watch that guy just crumble in the face of the truth. I’d feel sorry for him, you know, if he weren’t hell-bent on destroying our way of life.”

The latest debate victory extends the unbroken streak of triumphs over the opposing ideology that started at the dawn of time, conclusively confirming that viewers need not listen to, ask questions about, or try to understand, alternative ideas.

Trump Clarifies Russia Quip, 2015 Announcement

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(2018-07-19) — In the wake of bipartisan backlash over his performance at a news conference with Russian President Vladimir Putin this week, President Donald Trump clarified one remark, and may soon walk back two earlier statements, sources said.

Trump told reporters that at the Helsinki summit he had meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be” Russia that meddled in the 2016 U.S. elections, rather than “any reason why it would be.”

In addition, unnamed White House aides said the president will soon clarify two statements he made at his June 2015 presidential campaign announcement at Trump Tower, when he appeared to say:

1) “I would repeal and replace the big lie, Obamacare.”

2) “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will have Mexico pay for that wall.”

In the spirit of bipartisanship, former President Barack Obama is reportedly mulling his own clarifications of statements he made that seemed to say Americans would be able to keep their doctors, and that Obamacare would “bend the cost curve down“.

A spokesman for the National Archives said if this presidential clarifications trend continues, they’ll need to construct a new wing on the complex, “roughly the size of New Hampshire.”

New Evidence Indicates You Were Right All Along

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(2018-07-18) — Despite a blizzard of naysayers, recently uncovered evidence proves that you were right from the beginning, and that no further argument is necessary.

The proof that you’ve been correct, despite the fact that no one would listen to you, emerged from countless hours of research — watching videos, listening to podcasts, and reading essays by people whose agreement with you established your point conclusively.

Trusted experts say the emerging information merely affirms what they’ve known intuitively for years, and should silence the skeptics, end partisan division, and turn the tide for the country.

Duped: Sacha Baron Cohen Apes Strzok at Hearings

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(2018-07-13) — Comic actor and prankster Sacha Baron Cohen admitted today that he appeared this week before the House Judiciary and Oversight Committees disguised as FBI agent Peter Strzok, sparking several chaotic confrontations, but leaving Congressmen none the wiser.

“We were duped,” said Rep. Trey Gowdy, after learning that the hearing was nothing but an elaborate prank to be played for laughs in Cohen’s upcoming CBS-Showtime series.

In recent days, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, former Judge Roy Moore, and former Vice President Dick Cheney have all learned they were victims of Cohen’s masquerade. But appearing before a Congressional panel may be the crown jewel among Cohen’s outlandish pranks.

“We really thought we were grilling Peter Strzok,” Gowdy said, “when in fact we were talking to a fraud, a liar, and a poseur who will do anything to humiliate Republicans, and to advance his agenda.”

Trump Dumps on May Way to Brexit, Wrecks It

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President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

President Trump, after remarks almost certain to trigger diplomatic Armageddon, brutally forces the stunning Melania Trump into a helicopter, despite her show-stopping gown from J. Mendel.

(2018-07-13) — After years of campaigning, a public referendum, and thousands hours of deliberations and negotiations over the U.K. exit from the European Union — known as Brexit — sources said U.S. President Donald Trump ruined everything yesterday.

According to deeply-concerned diplomats, Trump’s revelation to a British tabloid that Prime Minister Theresa May ignored his advice will likely scuttle Brexit, tank global financial markets, bring down the May government, dethrone Queen Elizabeth II, shutter pubs throughout the Commonwealth, and recapitulate the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, triggering World War I and the inevitable rise to power of Adolf Hitler, thus threatening to undo the highly-successful foreign policy legacy of former President Barack Obama.

“I can’t imagine anything worse,” said one diplomat who requested anonymity to avoid responsibility. “Trump’s remarks are literally the most catastrophic thing to ever happen to Britain and to all of Europe, without exception.”

Experts also agreed that U.S. First Lady Melania Trump looked stunning in a flowing, yellow, off-the-shoulder gown from J. Mendel, but only because President Trump didn’t say anything about it.

Papa John’s to Replace Founder with Rap Star

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(2018-07-12) — Hours after Papa John’s founder and Chairman John Schnatter left the company after admitting using “the N-word” on a phone call with consultants in May, the restaurant chain said it would fill his position on the board of directors with a hip-hop and rap star “whose work everyone knows.”

While not explicitly naming the entertainer who will chair the board, a Papa John’s spokesman said the company “seeks racial diversity on its board, and wants someone who’s not tone deaf, and yet who can say anything without generating a news story, or a public relations crisis.”

Schnatter stepped down as CEO last year under duress after noting that Papa John’s sales suffered when the NFL’s audience shrunk because of National Anthem protests by some players. In his latest offense, Schnatter said on a conference call that KFC’s Colonel Sanders had used to use the N-word to describe Black people.

Papa John’s stock rebounded on news of the Chairman’s departure, as investors we’re reassured that the company is now utterly free of racial bias and hate.