Allah Still Shaken Over French Satire Mag Attacks

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The messenger of Allah, sneeze be upon him, as he appeared during this morning's remarks about the satire magazine attacks.

(2015-01-07) — A spokesman for Allah today said the Muslim deity is “still shaken” over attacks at the French satire magazine, Charlie Hebdo.

The revelation comes in the wake of breaking news that two masked men opened fire at the magazine’s Paris offices, killing at least twelve.

“Allah–the most sensitive, the most emotionally-unstable–has taken these attacks very hard,” the spokesman said. “He still can’t believe people could be so brutal as to draw mocking cartoons of his prophet, Muhammed, tease be upon him.

When informed that his jihadists had slaughtered perhaps a dozen unarmed writers and cartoonists, Allah reportedly wept, according to his messenger.

“I hope my soldiers of peace are not too distraught that their devotional offering to me was so small,” he said. “There is aways next time.”

Meanwhile, French President Fran├žoise Hollande offered condolences to Allah and reassured a shocked and grieving nation that “such attacks will end when we all learn the true meaning of the word Islam–submission.”

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