Archive for October, 2014

Apple Announces ‘Gayest CEO Ever’, Store Lines Form

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Apple CEO Tim Cook

Apple CEO Tim Cook today announced the company’s “gayest CEO ever.”

(2014-10-30) — Lines formed around the block at Apple Stores nationwide today after the Cupertino, California, tech firm announced its “gayest CEO ever.”

“It’s the most personal announcement Apple has ever made, even more personal than the Apple Watch,” said CEO Tim Cook, who refused to take media questions because he “needs some time off to re-energize.”

Apple design chief Jony Ive said, “This is huge. We’re now the only major device maker with a CEO that’s both unbelievably thin, and unbelievably gay — and yet so intimate and personal.”

Rumors have percolated for months but the news set off a frenzy on technology blogs and Apple fan forums.

“I can’t wait!” said one eager Apple customer, from his sleeping bag on the sidewalk outside of the Apple Store on Fifth Avenue in New York. “I’m not sure what this is all about, but it’s Apple — so you know it’s going to be unbelievable.”

Store personnel initially tried to persuade the crowd that “there’s nothing to see here,” but eventually gave up and began taking reservations.

A spokesman for rival Samsung said the Korean tech firm’s CEO is “actually gayer than Apple’s, and has been for years.”

Obama’s 11th Hour Appeal: Please Don’t Vote Democrat

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Obama in Oval Office

Obama wrote his final midterm election appeal in the Oval Office, between phone calls from Democrat candidates who begged him to endorse them, and to speak at their campaign events.

(2014-10-29) — With less than a week before the pivotal midterm elections, and with polls showing Republicans may take control of the U.S. Senate thanks to President Obama’s dismal popularity numbers, Obama today made his final appeal to voters.

“Please don’t vote Democrat,” the president said in a video recorded in the Oval Office. “I’m personally asking you to remember what I promised, and what I’ve delivered, and to trust me again when I say, don’t vote Democrat on November 4th.”

The White House said the president’s “Don’t Vote Democrat” message is backed by his record, and his credibility, and was recorded at the request of Democrat Congressional candidates.

“Right now,” said White House press secretary Josh Earnest, “the best thing the president can do to assure election of a Democratic Senate majority is to vigorously oppose Democratic candidates everywhere.”

To drive home the message of the video, Obama then rehearsed his accomplishments:

“If you liked your doctor and you kept your doctor, then please don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re now paying $2,500-a-year less for your health insurance, don’t vote Democrat.

If you feel safer from terrorists and infectious disease, and if America’s enhanced stature around the world — including our restarted relations with Russia, friendship with Israel, and the peace that’s descended on Iraq since I pulled the troops out — if that all makes you feel more secure, then don’t vote Democrat.

If the closing of Gitmo brings tears of joy to your eyes, and if the new civil tone in Washington, and greater brotherhood among racial groups makes you feel part of one nation under God, don’t vote Democrat.

If you look at the NSA and the IRS and they remind you that ‘government is simply what we do together,’ then don’t vote Democrat.

If you’re making more money at work, and spending more time on vacation and leisure, please don’t vote Democrat.

And finally, if your kid found a job right out of college, and you can make your basement a game room and workshop again, please don’t vote Democrat.”

 

On “Columbus Day,” Seattle Gives Town Back to Tribes

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Seattle returns land to native tribes

Seattle residents cheerfully flee their city aboard Segways after the town council deeded the municipal land back to the indigenous tribes, to whom it rightfully belongs.

(2014-10-12) — After the Seattle, Washington, city council voted to rename the traditional Columbus Day holiday as “Indigenous Peoples’ Day,” the legislative body immediately began the process of returning all of the land within the city limits to the descendants of the native peoples who once inhabited the territory.

“Starting with Christopher Columbus, the invading European hordes stole the land of these gentle, peace-loving native peoples, whose ancestors have dwelt here since they were single-cell microscopic animals,” said an unnamed council spokesman. “We stole their land. It’s as wrong today as it was then, and we’ve never made reparations for this crime…until now.”

The 84-square-mile tract will now be divided up among the tribal governments of the Lummi, Nooksack, Tulalip, Sauk-Suiattle, Swinomish, Puyallup, and Colville peoples, as well as 22 other tribes in the region.

Bus stations, airports, and automobile charging stations were overwhelmed with the crowds of Seattle residents eager to fulfill the demands of social justice, in some cases abandoning their homes without even packing their belongings.

“This is the ideal way to atone for the wickedness we have enabled with our previous celebrations of Columbus Day,” said one Seattle man, headed inland aboard his Segway. “I don’t know where I’ll go now, but that’s hashtag first-world problem.”