Archive for July, 2014

Revised Data Show 6 Years of Steep Economic Growth

Share Button

Revised figures show robust growth 2009-2014(2014-07-30) — The White House today released revised economic data from the Commerce Department that shows the recession and stagnation of the past six years was actually a time of booming economic growth.

“Commerce periodically reviews the numbers and revises its estimates,” said White House spokesman Josh Earnest (which is his real name). “The president was delighted to see that the latest revision marks the start of the turnaround on or about January 20, 2009. His second inauguration spurred another surge. These revisions won’t surprise anyone who really knows the president, or at least none who work for him.”

Earnest attributed the new upbeat perspective on economic growth to “President Obama’s skill in crafting executive economic policy, new insights in mathematics from Common Core, and some recent personnel changes at the Department of Commerce’s Office of GDP Review.

Obama’s EPA Mandates Homes Powered by Friction

Share Button

bicycle generator

“The future is friction,” President Obama said today as he endorsed new EPA regulations shutting down all other types of power and heat generation.


(2014-07-29) — Warning that the economic cost of global warming in the U.S. could soon mount to $150 billion per year, President Barack Obama today announced a new array of Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) rules that would, among other things, require U.S. homes to be powered and heated by friction alone.

“We know that fossil fuel emissions will soon incinerate the planet, and could reduce Gross Domestic Product (GDP) in the U.S. by up to 3.1 percent,” Obama said. “We also know that wind power slaughters birds, solar and water power clutter the landscape and disturb wildlife, batteries contain corrosive chemicals–and are often not included anyway — and nuclear power creates tsunamis, as we saw in Fukushima, Japan, not so long ago. America’s last best hope is friction.”

“As long as I’m in this White House,” President Obama said, “the future is friction.”

Under the new rules from the EPA, the power industry would have up to 90 days to make the transition to friction generators after disabling existing power plants at the end of August.

Americans unwilling to wait 90 days could create their own friction at home, using simple hand cranks, bicycles, political discussions or visits from the in-laws.

CDC Urges Calm After Finding Lost Cache of Cooties

Share Button

(2014-07-17) — On the heels of recent discoveries of small pox, influenza and dengue virus, apparently misplaced for decades in a government lab cooler, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today revealed it found a crate of 144 vials of a contagion lost for so long many thought it mythical.

virus-under-microscope

Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control admitted yet another discovery of lost infectious specimens — a gross of cooties.

“We discovered a gross of cooties,” a CDC spokesman said, “which, as any school child knows is spread almost instantaneously by human contact — primarily between a juvenile carrier and a subject of the opposite sex. We’re fairly sure we avoided exposing our staff at the lab, but all it takes is a touch.”

Officially, the CDC urged the public to “remain calm,” but during a media tour of the Atlanta laboratory, journalists saw several scientists and technicians rubbing spots on their arms where associates had inadvertently touched them. A spokesman assured reporters that the wiping motion was strictly a precautionary measure.

Federal health officials said they’re so cautious, they refused to make a video warning the public of the dangers of mishandled specimens for fear that it woud “go viral” on YouTube.

Robert Redford to Play Dan Rather in Talking Picture

Share Button

(2014-07-10) — Robert Redford will reportedly portray Dan Rather on the silver screen in the upcoming talkie called ‘Truth’, according to sources in Hollywood.

A talkie is a motion picture with a synchronized soundtrack so that the audience in the cinema can actually hear the actors’ words, rather than reading them from cards.

Robert Redford to play Dan Rather

Dashing Robert Redford will play doggedly determined Dan Rather in the new Hollywood talkie, ‘Truth.’

American teens will doubtless thrill at the opportunity to see the boyishly handsome Mr. Redford as the passionate reporter, so committed to ‘Truth’ that he’s willing to use forged documents to get at it.

The story recalls Mr. Rather’s efforts to faithfully cover George W. Bush’s presidential reelection campaign by showing that Bush’s Vietnam-era National Guard service kept him stateside, out of harm’s way, thanks to the influence of his powerful father, George H.W. Bush.

Rather’s dogged pursuit of truth led him, ultimately, away from his 24-year career as anchor of the CBS Evening News, after some young men in pajamas, sequestered in their mothers’ basements, challenged the authenticity of the documents. Rather still contends that, Nobody has proved that they were fraudulent, much less a forgery. … The truth of this story stands up to this day.”

Of course, history — in the form of this new Robert Redford film — will vindicate Rather’s assessment that they were  “fake but accurate.” The only question that remains is whether today’s audiences will be able to “suspend disbelief” long enough to believe that people actually used to watch programs like the CBS Evening News while sitting in front of a television set.