Archive for January 6th, 2014

Activists Push NYC to Permit Medicinal Coca-Cola Use

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Coca-Cola

If activists succeed, and Mayor de Blasio permits high-dose medicinal Coca-Cola use, some residents worry about the example set for children by obese, jittery patients. In this file photo, a frightened child struggles in vain to escape the grasp of one afflicted man.

(2014-01-06) — As New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo stands poised to issue an executive order re-instituting medicinal use of marijuana, activists in the Big Apple are about to launch a public-relations campaign aimed at convincing Mayor Bill de Blasio to once again permit the use of high doses of Coca-Cola as a treatment for various ailments.

“We’re not addicts or anarchists,” said an unnamed spokesman for the group. “We’re responsible citizens with conditions that only Coca-Cola can alleviate.”

On its website and pamphlets the group heads off the classic slippery-slope argument, explicitly stating: “We are NOT in favor of recreational usage nor over the counter sales of high-dosages of Coca-Cola, but only physician-prescribed treatments.”

For years, New Yorkers were permitted to self-medicate, leading to the proliferation of street-corner dealers selling high doses at market prices. Some residents complained about the obese, jittery clientele and the unhealthful example they set for children. All of that came to an end under the Bloomberg administration, which banned sales of high-volume containers.

“Bloomberg’s heart was in the right place,” said the activist, “but people with legitimate needs for large quantities of the caramel-colored, carbonated elixir were cut off, driving many to despair, and of course, to the black market.”

Obama Demands Action on Temperature Inequality

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Temperature Inequality Map

President Obama said he’ll “focus like a laser” for the remainder of his term on “closing the vast gulf between warmest and coldest.” Temperature inequality, as shown on this map, reached 127 degrees in recent days.

(2013-01-06) — The growing gap between warmest and coldest is “the penultimate defining challenge of our age,” President Obama announced just hours after returning to Washington D.C. following a two-week vacation in Hawaii.

“If Congress will not move to stop temperature inequality,” Obama said, “then I will. Living in one of the more advanced nations in North America, we can’t wait for the end of partisan bickering to pass sensible regulations.”

Moments after stepping off of Marine One at the White House, the president said “there’s no time for delay, because the thermal gap has grown noticeably even in the past couple of days.”

First Lady Michelle Obama, who remained in Hawaii while her husband and daughters returned to the east coast, noted that temperature inequality has impacted average Americans’ relationships, making distant family members grow cold.

While some scientists questioned whether the gap has grown, and whether legislation can do anything about it, the White House said those researchers lack credibility “because they don’t receive federal grants very soon.”