Archive for January, 2014

Obama Skips Congress with State of the Union Speech

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Obama's private state of the union address

President Obama, seen in his office delivering a private State of the Union address to a handful of White House staffers, says, “I’ve had it up to here with this separation of powers and checks-and-balances malarkey. Let’s do stuff now.”

(2014-01-27) — Ignoring more than 220 years of tradition, President Obama has, reportedly, already delivered the State of the Union address privately in the Oval Office rather than to a joint session of Congress, where he won’t be appearing Tuesday as scheduled. White House sources say the president told them “we can’t wait” for members of Congress to come together.

“As he has mentioned, President Obama has a pen, so he wrote the speech,” said an unnamed administration source, “and then he stood up from his desk and delivered the stirring address to a handful of White House aides, Secret Service agents and a cleaning crew late Sunday night.”

Under the Constitution, the president is not required to give a speech, but merely to report to Congress from time to time on “the State of Union” and to recommend any measures he thinks appropriate.

“Although the president is naturally reluctant to take a literalist view of the Constitution,” the source said, “in this case, it suits his personal objectives in dealing with this do-nothing Congress. Why bother with all the ceremony and the humiliating prospect of asking them to pass laws, when he can just seize the moment and get stuff done.”

Speaker of the House John Boehner called Obama’s failure to deliver a lengthy speech before the joint session of Congress “highly unusual,” but acknowledged that Obama “just saved me about three nicotine patches.”

Obama Downplays Talk of His Own National Holiday

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Obama speaks on MLK day

President Obama speaks in front of a giant American flag-draped statue of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., commemorating the civil rights leader with an historic speech about King’s role in the Obama legacy.

(2014-01-20) — In a holiday ceremony to commemorate the life of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., President Obama spoke of the “fairly significant role” Dr. King played in the run up to his own historic presidency, but humbly downplayed potential talk of an Obama national holiday.

“Dr. King had a dream,” Obama told the countless dozens of spectators in attendance. “Many think that dream was fulfilled at my swearing-in ceremony. Others believe my reelection was the zenith of the civil rights movement. Debating that question is above my pay grade, but I do think it’s too early to pick a specific date for the Barack Obama national holiday.”

Nevertheless, Obama noted in passing that his August 4th birthday “falls nicely between Independence Day and Labor Day.”

In a prepared speech, delivered from a temporary platform a few feet above the head of the King statue near the National Mall, Obama also counseled “watchful patience” with the slow pace of work at the National Park Service in planning the Obama head on Mt. Rushmore.

“It may be a simple matter of geological engineering challenges,” Obama said, “but we can’t rule out that it’s part of the ongoing struggle for which Dr. King gave his life. Do not fear. We shall overcome.”

After the ceremony, the Park Service said it had already begun to bronze the platform to commemorate the historic Obama speech.

Obama’s Marijuana ‘Less Dangerous’ Remark Clarified

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Obama smoking

The White House clarified the president’s suggestion that smoking pot is “less dangerous” than drinking alcohol, by releasing a list of potentially-harmful long-term side effects, which it soon retracted. Asked later to comment on the mixed message, Obama said, “What?”.

(2014-01-20) — A recent New Yorker interview with President Obama has left parents struggling to explain to their children why they should not smoke marijuana, as it becomes legal in more and more states.

In the interview, Obama said marijuana use was “less dangerous” than alcohol “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.”

In an effort to clarify, the White House this morning released a list of potentially-negative side effects of the drug Obama admits he used in his youth.

“The president doesn’t want to give the impression that his historic experimentation with marijuana implies he condones it for young people,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “He has told his own daughters he thinks it’s a ‘bad habit,’ and has said that if he had a son who looked like Trayvon Martin, he would counsel his boy that pot smoking is ‘a waste of time,’ and ‘not very healthy.'”

Critics suggested the president was less than clear and forceful, so this morning the White House released the following list of potentially harmful long-term side-effects of recreational marijuana usage.

“President Obama wants American kids to know that frequent marijuana usage can lead to…

  • Lethargic reactions to dangerous situations behind the wheel or when your consulate is attacked.
  • Feelings of immortality, omniscience and omnipotence, leading to attempts to “do the impossible,” or take over entire economic sectors.
  • Cravings for foods that are on the First Lady’s ‘no-no list’
  • ‘Running with the wrong crowd,’ including petty law-breakers, communist dictators, Islamist warlords and even political consultants.
  • Irresistible urges to flee responsibility, and spend countless hours at places where there’s ‘lots of grass’.
  • Inattention to detail in written instructions, like laws or the U.S. Constitution.”

The White House retracted the list later in the morning, noting that the president didn’t recall approving its release.

Obama: New Jobs Report Shows Most Still Have One

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Now Hiring

Thanks to President Obama’s economic policies, signs like this are appearing more often. This firm, for example, wants to hire a stock photographer to meet the growing demand from the White House for more pictures like this one.

(2014-01-11) — More upbeat economic news this morning from the White House as the latest jobs report indicates nearly 63 percent of working-age people still consider themselves part of “the workforce,” and a majority of them actually have jobs.

Administration spokesman Jay Carney said the Labor Department report “should buoy the stock market because 74,000 new jobs represents a full 37 percent of expected job creation.” However, he acknowledged “even that impressive number can go higher if we do more to reduce expectations.”

In the official White House news release, President Obama said, “Jobs are a key part of my economic plan, and I’m happy to report that most people have one.”

Carney credited President Obama’s policies for the “economic surge,” but admitted that the president hasn’t done enough yet persuade the Labor Department to reduce the official labor force number so that the unemployment figure can come down even further.

“Reducing the size of the work force is the key to reducing the unemployment number,” Carney said. “But the president can’t be blamed for the dearth of discouraged people dropping out. I think everyone agrees the president is doing all he can to discourage them.”

Inspired by Christie, Obama Fires Executive Branch

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Obama shows them the door

Showing them the door: President Obama fired the entire executive branch of the federal government today, inspired by Gov. Chris Christie’s intolerance of dishonesty and petty partisanship.

(2014-01-10) — President Barack Obama said he watched Chris Christie’s news conference yesterday and admired the way the New Jersey governor dumped two top associates who had lied to him, or acted in petty, vindictive ways toward political opponents.

Doing so inspired Obama to fire the entire executive branch of the federal government this morning for the same reasons.

“I was going to be more deliberate, and review each cabinet officer, department head and staffer on a case-by-case basis,” said Obama, “but that would take a long time, and end up with the same result if I’m using honesty and integrity as the standards.”

The president arrived 45 minutes late to a scheduled 11 a.m. news conference, saying he was delayed due to the need to perform tasks he inherited from terminated staffers, including picking out his own clothing, preparing his own breakfast, and reviewing the IRS records of countless dozens of insurance applicants from HealthCare.gov.

White House Warns of Coming “Polar Bear Vortex”

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Polar bear vortex

Bored, famished polar bears, deprived of floating ice platforms for hunting by global warming,now mate voraciously, spawning extra litters of cubs which will soon descend on the U.S. as a “swirling polar bear vortex.”

(2014-01-09) — Just as the recent deadly cold-snap and the entrapment of a scientific vessel in the Antarctic ice pack can be traced to man-made global warming, the White House announced today that melting Arctic ice-flows will soon spawn a “polar bear vortex” which will move south in a swirling mass migration.

“Unscientific Americans fail to comprehend why man-made warming causes extreme cooling,” said White House science adviser Dr. John Holdren. “So these same ignorant folks will be stunned when massive herds of endangered polar bears swarm neighborhoods from Maine to Texas.”

Holdren explained that as global warming melts polar ice flows, bears have no floating platforms from which to hunt the ocean. With all that extra downtime, many of them mate voraciously, and give birth to multiple litters of cubs, who, lacking food, will migrate toward the protein-rich garbage cans of suburban Americans.

“Within just a few years,” Holdren said, “you’ll be able to walk from Philadelphia to Dallas on the backs of polar bears…that is, if you haven’t already been slain by a ravening famished pack of them.”

Christie: Nominate Me or I’ll Shut Down the Internet

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Chris Christie threatens to throttle the internet if denied the GOP presidential nomination

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie came out swinging at politicians and pundits who think the trafficgate scandal means “blood in the water” that might end his presidential hopes. Here Christie demonstrates how he’ll “squeeze the internet pipeline like a garden hose” if the RNC denies him the nomination.

(2014-01-09) — As political enemies worked to link New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie with a move by his top aides to shut down traffic as political revenge on a small town Democratic mayor, a combative Christie held a news conference today to announce he would be the Republican presidential nominee, or internet users would have to “go back to measuring signal speeds in baud per second.”

“You think it was ugly when a couple of access lanes got closed near the bridge to New York City,” the pugnacious presumptive presidential hopeful snarled, “wait until it takes three hours to post your selfie.”

The allegations that Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich got punished with four days of traffic disruptions for his refusal to endorse Christie’s re-election last year appeared to shatter the governor’s reputation as prickly-but-honest — a man above partisan politics.

Within hours of the Bergen Record’s revelation of snarky emails between a Christie staffer and a political appointee, politicians and pundits, smelling blood in the water, lined up at microphones to herald the end of the Christie integrity myth.

“It’s not that people expect better behavior from politicians,” said one unnamed political consultant, “It’s that they can’t stand a hypocrite. That’s why I advise my clients to avoid establishing a track record of plain speaking and honorable behavior. It’s much easier to surprise them with occasional honesty and integrity, than to maintain admirable character over the long haul.”

Obama Reportedly Offered Sarah Palin Permit to Shoot “Wolves of Wall Street” from Helicopter

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Obama mulls permit

President Obama reviews text of a “presidential permit” that would have granted Sarah Palin the right to hunt “wolves of Wall Street” from a helicopter as a way to close the income inequality gap.

(2014-01-08) — As his economic recovery produced record corporate profits and a spiking stock market, but left millions of Americans unemployed or underemployed, President Obama reportedly considered granting Sarah Palin a permit to hunt from a helicopter for so-called “wolves of Wall Street,” according to an internal White House memo published today in the New York Times.

The revelation came shortly after Obama made remarks on the state of the economy yesterday, while standing before a backdrop of unemployed people who have been left behind by the recovery.

By leaking the memo, the administration sought to “assure middle-class Americans that no option is off the table in the president’s war on income inequality,” according to an administration official who was authorized to speak while preserving plausible deniability for the president.

“Everyone knows that nobody knows how find jobs for the millions bypassed by the Obama recovery,” the unnamed source said. “But the president understands that if you can’t close the income gap from the bottom up, you can certainly do it from the top down.”

Former Alaska Gov. Palin immediately took to Facebook to acknowledge that she initially welcomed the opportunity.

“There’s always fuel in the helo,” Palin wrote, “I’ve got Ted Nugent on speed dial, and we’re locked and loaded.”

However, Palin said her enthusiasm for the project waned when she realized the location was Wall Street, noting, “I thought they said K Street.”

Activists Push NYC to Permit Medicinal Coca-Cola Use

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Coca-Cola

If activists succeed, and Mayor de Blasio permits high-dose medicinal Coca-Cola use, some residents worry about the example set for children by obese, jittery patients. In this file photo, a frightened child struggles in vain to escape the grasp of one afflicted man.

(2014-01-06) — As New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo stands poised to issue an executive order re-instituting medicinal use of marijuana, activists in the Big Apple are about to launch a public-relations campaign aimed at convincing Mayor Bill de Blasio to once again permit the use of high doses of Coca-Cola as a treatment for various ailments.

“We’re not addicts or anarchists,” said an unnamed spokesman for the group. “We’re responsible citizens with conditions that only Coca-Cola can alleviate.”

On its website and pamphlets the group heads off the classic slippery-slope argument, explicitly stating: “We are NOT in favor of recreational usage nor over the counter sales of high-dosages of Coca-Cola, but only physician-prescribed treatments.”

For years, New Yorkers were permitted to self-medicate, leading to the proliferation of street-corner dealers selling high doses at market prices. Some residents complained about the obese, jittery clientele and the unhealthful example they set for children. All of that came to an end under the Bloomberg administration, which banned sales of high-volume containers.

“Bloomberg’s heart was in the right place,” said the activist, “but people with legitimate needs for large quantities of the caramel-colored, carbonated elixir were cut off, driving many to despair, and of course, to the black market.”

Obama Demands Action on Temperature Inequality

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Temperature Inequality Map

President Obama said he’ll “focus like a laser” for the remainder of his term on “closing the vast gulf between warmest and coldest.” Temperature inequality, as shown on this map, reached 127 degrees in recent days.

(2013-01-06) — The growing gap between warmest and coldest is “the penultimate defining challenge of our age,” President Obama announced just hours after returning to Washington D.C. following a two-week vacation in Hawaii.

“If Congress will not move to stop temperature inequality,” Obama said, “then I will. Living in one of the more advanced nations in North America, we can’t wait for the end of partisan bickering to pass sensible regulations.”

Moments after stepping off of Marine One at the White House, the president said “there’s no time for delay, because the thermal gap has grown noticeably even in the past couple of days.”

First Lady Michelle Obama, who remained in Hawaii while her husband and daughters returned to the east coast, noted that temperature inequality has impacted average Americans’ relationships, making distant family members grow cold.

While some scientists questioned whether the gap has grown, and whether legislation can do anything about it, the White House said those researchers lack credibility “because they don’t receive federal grants very soon.”