Archive for November, 2013

Bargain Shopping Mars Black Friday Violence Hopes

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Shoppers standing in line on Black Friday

“Crushing” is how one disgusted man described his experience at this discount retailer in Idaho, as bored shoppers merely stood in long lines waiting to pay for their merchandise, despite hopes that frenzied bargain-hunters would spark bloodshed and mayhem.

(2013-11-30) — Thousands of people left American malls and discount stores disappointed yesterday when brawls, riots, stampedes, fisticuffs and gun-play failed to materialize despite the tremendous anticipation fostered by mainstream media sources.

“This is B.S.,” said one Wisconsin man who “left a comfortable bed to come out to the mall in the cold weather” but failed to witness a single incident of retail violence.

“It’s nothing but a bunch of people looking for discounted merchandise and then standing in line forever,” he said. “I should have stayed home and watched ESPN.”

Another man stomped out of his local Wal-Mart in disgust after “three hours of waiting for someone to throw an elbow or knock a widow to the linoleum, or something. Bunch of pansies!”

A spokesman for the American Federation of Retailers said its members did all they could to create bottlenecks in doorways, to narrow the space between racks and shelving, and offer to come-on pricing for items barely in stock.

“We can’t be blamed if tens of millions of people didn’t get hurt and didn’t hurt anyone else,” the retailing official said. “You can lead a shopper to bargains, but you can’t make her snap.”

Black Friday Shoppers Trampled at HealthCare.gov

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Black Friday Mob

Nearly 20 users rushed the login area at HealthCare.gov on Black Friday, creating a backlog that led to trampling injuries for several over-eager shoppers.

(2013-11-29) — Three people suffered grave trampling injuries and authorities took five others into custody after a brawl broke out at HealthCare.gov sparking a stampede among zealous Black Friday shoppers who became trapped in a login area, as nearly 20 simultaneous users overwhelmed the online health insurance store.

Police say they don’t know who started the fight among the bleary-eyed early-morning shoppers, drawn en masse to the site by advertising come-ons that promised unbelievably cheap, or even free health coverage.

“Someone threw an elbow near the security questions,” said an unnamed police spokesman. “Everybody’s so tense in there already–what with the tremendous bargains and all. Next thing you know, panic sets in, grandma goes down and somebody’s stepping on her rib-cage.”

A White House spokesman called for calm during these exciting early days of ObamaCare when people can hardly believe their good fortune, and fear that demand will outstrip supply.

The spokesman added, “All Americans can take comfort in knowing that those Black Friday shoppers, regardless of preexisting internal injuries, contusions, or shattered limbs, can still get bargain-basement prices on health care…eventually.”

Obama Sends Thanksgiving Letter to Grateful Nation

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(2013-11-28) — To mark Thanksgiving Day, President Obama today sent an open letter to the American people, which is reproduced here in its entirety.

My Fellow Americans,

This is the day when families of all varieties gather around the table and give thanks for the great blessings they enjoy due to the beneficent mercy of an all-powerful, all-knowing and compassionate Higher Power. They express gratitude for the food before them, the clothing they wear, the health they enjoy, and the checks that keep coming to provide it all.

The actions of the Almighty may seem mysterious, but most Americans submit humbly to the purposes of the One who holds their future — the One who knows more about them than anyone at that table does. They bow their heads to exalt the One who hears what they say in private moments, who reads their most intimate thoughts, and who, ultimately, judges them.

So, as you gather with loved ones to give collective voice to your inexhaustible gratitude, let me express my thoughts in these simple words…

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,
Barack H. Obama

NARAL Snares Federal Grant to End Distracted Driving

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Children Distracting Driver

Because children cause far more driver distractions than do cell phones, President Obama tapped NARAL Pro-Choice America to research and execute a solution.

(2013-11-28) — Thanks to a new study that shows children in automobiles cause more driver distractions than do cell phones, the Obama administration today announced a $753 million federal grant to NARAL Pro-Choice America “to explore and implement ways to reduce or eliminate the major source of distracted driving.”

According to researchers, drivers interacting with children in the car are 12 times more likely to take their attention from the road than are drivers using cell phones, creating a potentially-deadly hazard to other motorists and pedestrians.

“As a father,” President Obama told reporters, “I am, of course, aware of the dangers posed by children in cars. I’m pleased to award this grant to NARAL Pro-Choice America, an organization that knows more about child hazards than any other, and more importantly, that shares my commitment to wiping out these threats to safe driving.”

The president said he issued the grant by executive order, “due to the clear and present danger, and because we all know that Republicans in Congress would stall legislation on partisan ideological grounds, even though every 15 minutes a car accident stops a beating heart.”

Al Gore Goes Vegan, Halts Global Climate Change

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Gore goes vegan to stop climate change.

Newly-vegan, Al Gore recalls the sensation of snacking on a pair of corn-fed beef shanks.


(2013-11-27) — Former Vice President Al Gore’s decision to become a vegan because of the impact of meat production on global climate change has apparently worked, according to scientists at the University of East Anglia in the United Kingdom.

“Recently, we have observed massive growth of Antarctic sea ice,” said an unnamed climate researcher, “and the decades-long warming trend has stalled, or perhaps reversed itself. Until now, we assumed these were part of ordinary solar or jetstream cycles, but the news that Al Gore has stopped eating meat fully accounts for these observational phenomena.”

Although his switch to a vegan diet has halted the global warming trend, Mr. Gore acknowledges that giving up meat has been difficult, “like an amputee experiences pain in a ghost limb.”

“The most important thing after quitting meat,” Gore said, “is to find something to do with your hands, which have become habitually accustomed to grasping cuts of beef, and other sorts of rich, tender, succulent animal flesh.”

The Oscar, Nobel and Grammy-winning author and film-maker said his personal suffering is “all worth it, now that I know that I’ve actually saved Mother Earth, and that this isn’t just an empty gesture by a guy whose mansions, limos and jet travel still ranks me in the top one percent of carbon footprints on earth.”

Carney: 53% of Americans Lie about Obama’s Honesty

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President Obama

President Obama hopes the majority of the American people will confess their dishonesty in the wake of a new poll that shows 53% of them believe the president is not honest and trustworthy.


(2013-11-25) — Most Americans lied about President Obama’s honesty in a new CNN-ORC International poll, according to the White House.

The new poll shows that for the first time, most Americans (53%) don’t think that Mr. Obama is honest or trustworthy.

“What this poll really shows,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney, “is that 53% of Americans can’t be trusted when it comes to the president’s credibility. And if they’ll lie about something so important, what else are they shading the truth about?”

Carney said the president is “deeply disappointed in the majority of the American people,” yet remains hopeful that they will “consider how their dishonesty reflects upon this country, and take the earliest opportunity to confess that they lied, and to issue a class-action apology.”

The CNN-ORC poll also showed that just 40% of Americans think President Obama “can manage the government effectively,” a number that has dropped 12 points since June.

Carney dismissed that finding, noting that “very few Americans have the skills it takes to recognize that the president is a terrific manager.”

“It’s not their fault,” the press secretary added. “The American people are just incompetent.”

Kerry Secures Iran Pledge: U.S. May Enrich Uranium

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Powerful listening skills enabled Secretary of State John Kerry to learn what Iran really wanted, and his close relationship with President Obama gave him the credibility to broker a deal allowing the U.S. to keep enriching uranium, in exchange for lifting all sanctions against Iran.

Powerful listening skills enabled Secretary of State John Kerry to learn what Iran really wanted, and his close relationship with President Obama gave him the credibility to broker a deal allowing the U.S. to keep enriching uranium, in exchange for lifting all sanctions against Iran.

(2013-11-23) — In a major diplomatic breakthrough, sources in Geneva say Secretary of State John Kerry has secured a promise from the Islamic Republic of Iran to allow the United States to enrich uranium to weapons-grade levels, in exchange for a “relatively trivial concession” — the complete lifting of international sanctions against Iran.

This latest Obama administration foreign policy triumph should help to reverse the President’s popularity-rating plunge in the wake of the failure of his signature health care law. It also bolsters his reputation for “smart diplomacy,” since no previous president has been able to get Iran to respect U.S. sovereignty regarding its own national defense.

Secretary Kerry surprised many by rushing back to Switzerland this weekend, just two weeks after the last six-nation talks aimed at defusing the Iran nuclear crisis. Although some in Congress saw the Obama administration’s efforts to placate Iran as appeasement, an unnamed source close to Kerry said the wily former Senator had a few “diplomatic tricks up his sleeve.”

“Kerry brought Iran back to the table,” the source said, “and ensured the U.S. will maintain its right to develop its nuclear arsenal, at least as long as the moderate Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remains in power. It buys Obama time to extract more concessions.”

FCC May Allow In-Flight Phone Calls, Pepper Spray

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Pepper-spray smart phone.

In a major advance for human liberty, the FCC may lift its ban on in-flight cell phone calls, and the prohibition on the in-flight use of pepper spray.

(2013-11-23) — The Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission said this week that the agency may lift the ban on cell phone usage by passengers during airline flights, as well as the prohibition against the use of pepper-spray.

“There’s no technical reason why you can’t make a phone call during a flight,” said FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler, “and, likewise, there’s no reason we should limit your right to enjoy a quiet flight by saying that you can’t use pepper spray on those who choose to make in-flight calls. These two freedoms go hand-in-hand.”

At the Commission’s December meeting, it will consider a proposal to allow passengers to fully complete the digestive process without the inconvenience of leaving their assigned seats.

Obama Recalls Moment He Heard JFK Was Shot

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(2013-11-22) — On the 50th anniversary of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, President Obama recalled for reporters the moment he learned JFK had been slain.

“Like JFK, my grandfather served in the military,” Mr. Obama said after a wreath-laying ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery. “And, of course, John Kennedy and I both served in the U.S. Senate and overcame America’s deep-seated bigotry to win the presidency. Young and vigorous, we both garner praise for our speeches, and the way we drew the youth of the nation into the political process.”

Pressed again by journalists to specify what he thought and felt at the actual moment when he heard Kennedy had been shot, Obama choked back his emotion and recalled, “I was sitting in my 10th-grade American history class when the teacher made the announcement. Everyone just fell silent. It was 1977, and we couldn’t believe JFK was gone, Camelot was ended. I think they sent us home early that day. We were pretty shaken up.”

The White House called for all Americans to commemorate Obama’s historic remembrance of the tragedy by “finding some way to serve in your community, like organizing a voter-registration drive with your local SEIU chapter.”

Obama Plan to Gamify HealthCare.gov ‘Catching Fire’

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(2013-11-21) — In order to lighten the load on the HealthCare.gov website, the White House announced today that each county in the nation will have one designated individual to apply for high-quality, low-cost healthcare on behalf of the citizens of that county.

Because the website is not designed to handle as many as 3,144 users at once, the Department of Health and Human Services will sponsor a televised contest among the chosen representatives, and citizens of the survivor’s county will get to move to the head of the ObamaCare application line.

“I know we’ve made some false steps and suffered some stumbles,” said President Obama about his signature legislation’s rollout, “but I’m confident that this is the final solution.”

The move, implemented by Executive Order No. 12345 late last night, “not only begins to address the challenge of America’s under-crowded medical waiting rooms,” the president said. “But it does so in an entertaining way, inspiring each American to cheer on his or her player, and to hope for the best.”

“While I’m sure Republican skeptics will predict failure,” Mr. Obama added, “I can already see this idea catching fire.”