Archive for April 17th, 2013

Boston to Terrorists: We Surrender

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Vacant city street awaits parade of terrorist conquerorsDowntown Boston remains desolate as mayor announces surrender to unnamed terrorists.

The City of Boston today agreed to surrender to “al Qaeda, or whoever did this” just two days after two bombs exploded near the finish line of the Boston Marathon, killing three and wounding 170.

Standing in the middle of the utterly-deserted downtown, the mayor told a few remaining journalists that he would sign terms of surrender, abdicate his office and “effectively hand the keys to the city over to the agent, or group, that has brought Boston to a standstill, and has kept us all cowering in our homes wondering what to do next.”

This would be the first time in recent memory that a U.S. city has capitulated to terrorists, and surrendered its sovereignty. But sources close to the mayor noted that Boston, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and the American people “lack both the resources and the resolve to stand up to occasional, seemingly-random attacks.”

The official signing ceremony and transfer of power awaits the revelation of the identity of the victorious conqueror.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, the Palestinian territory, and throughout the Muslim world, mobs of cheering people chanted, “Boston has fallen, Braintree is next.”

New Movie Ratings Get Specific, Guard Kids

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Chris Dodd, CEO of MPAA on new movie rating systemChris Dodd, CEO of MPAA, explains the new ‘Check the Box’ movie rating system, demonstrating a stereotypical gesture that would be flagged to let parents better protect their children.

The Motion Picture Association of America has rolled out its new ‘Check the Box‘ campaign, designed to give parents more information, along with movie letter ratings, to determine if a film is appropriate for children, according to MPAA Chairman and Executive Chris Dodd, the former Democrat U.S. Senator.

“A lot of parents want to take their kids to a particular movie,” Dodd said, “but they’re concerned that the film may contain inappropriate themes — like an unabashed patriotic pro-American bias, monogamous heterosexual marriage relationships, heroic portrayals of business people or soldiers, gratuitous consumption of meat products and large sugary beverages, or scenes where people criticize their government without suffering the consequences.”

Dodd said the new ‘Check the Box’ campaign will fill the information void in the previous letter-based ratings system that often left parents wondering why a movie had been labeled PG-13, R or NC-17.

“Often parents would screen these movies first to protect their kids, and come out of the theater scratching their heads over why the film got a restrictive rating when it contained little but ordinary graphic violence, nudity, sexual acts and obscene language,” said Dodd. “So, then they have to go back, taking their young children, and wind up paying to see the movie twice. That’s not fair.”