Obama: $2B Won’t Kill Every Oil Job, But It’s a Start

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Obama thanks federal researcher for his devotion to killing petroleum jobs

President Obama thanks a federal researcher who’s working to eliminate every last job in the petroleum industry. However, since job-killing research is funded by oil-drilling leases, it’s crucial that the industry keep growing until such jobs are completely eradicated.

President Obama Friday pressed Congress to spend $2 billion on his dream to eliminate hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of jobs in the petroleum industry. However, he acknowledged that federal research on such job-killing will cost much more, and unfortunately, many oil industry workers could remain employed for years to come.

“In a down economy like this,” Obama said, “it’s difficult to get enough funding to kill as many jobs as we would like. But $2 billion is a start, and is sure to move many people out of the filthy petroleum business and onto the government entitlement payroll where they won’t do near as much to contribute to global climate change.”

The president said years of federal funding on job-killing research has “led us to the precipice of a major breakthrough that would rapidly eliminate entire industries that have created America’s embarrassing prosperity.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Office of Management and Budget explained that the president’s plan pays for eliminating jobs in the petroleum industry through federal oil and gas leases on off-shore drilling, “so it’s important that the industry remain vibrant until it’s completely gone.”

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8 Responses to “Obama: $2B Won’t Kill Every Oil Job, But It’s a Start”

  1. brewmiker says:

    This is satire, isn’t it?

  2. mzk says:

    It’s a satirical site, one of the best.

    Although with Obama it’s hard to tell the difference between satire and policy.

  3. mzk says:

    “led us to the precipice of a major breakthrough”

    Nice phrase.

  4. Hawkeye says:

    Hey Beerme,

    You did know that Scott Ott writes satire didn’t you? Just kidding.

    (:D) Best regards…

  5. justcallmeshelly says:

    I think it may be satire!

  6. […] Scott Ott at Scrappleface gets off another good one. […]

  7. Bunny says:

    “federal research on such job-killing will cost much more, and unfortunately, many oil industry workers could remain employed for years to come.”

    “Dammit”…as El Rushbo would say. 😉