Archive for March, 2013

Obama: Cyprus-Style Deposit Grab ‘Fairly Unlikely Here’

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Obama calms investor fearsPresident Obama encourages investors to avoid getting “all wee-weed up” over the move by Cyprus to confiscate bank deposits, which he says “probably won’t happen in the U.S. until things get pretty bad.”

President Obama calmed the jitters of nervous investors today by saying a Cyprus-style confiscation of bank deposits is “fairly unlikely here” and could only happen if U.S. debt mounted to unprecedented levels, the economy remained in the doldrums and Republicans in the House decided to block Democrat efforts to generate more tax revenue.

“So, as you can see, it’s a pretty remote chance,” the president said. “Your money is safe as can be expected in U.S. banks. The government grabbing your hard-earned savings, after a lifetime of toil, is something nobody likes to think about…so don’t. After all, I wouldn’t order such a move unless the government was just flat broke, deep in debt and really needed the money.”

The president blamed House Republicans for “the many hours the Treasury Secretary and I have spent planning for the unthinkable, which we have no immediate plans to implement.”

“Ultimately,” Obama added, “on that unlikely day when you log in to your bank account and see the balance is down 30-to-40 percent, you can be assured that the Republicans forced my hand with their stubborn, ideological objection to revenue enhancers. But for now, remain calm and go about your business as if nothing might happen.”

The White House sought to clarify the president’s remarks, noting that this “virtually-improbable scenario” would be preceded by warnings that would give depositors plenty of time to visit bank websites and read the FAQ about what happened to the missing money.

Senate’s 1st Budget in 4 Years Stops Global Warming

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Senate budget on it's way to be bronzedAn aide delivers the Senate’s first budget in four years, as climate scientists rejoice over the prospects of falling surface temperatures due to rapid cooling in the netherworld.

At daybreak Saturday, the U.S. Senate passed its first annual budget in four years, a move scientists say could actually reverse the global warming trend if predictions about subterranean freezing come to pass.

“You’ve heard the forecasts about when the Senate would pass a budget,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Well, it happened. So as the folks in the netherworld bundle up, those of us who currently dwell topside and were concerned about the rise of the oceans can heave a sigh of relief.”

Climate scientists say that even a thin layer of ice on the surface of the river Styx in the underworld could reduce the Earth’s core temperature enough to counteract glacial melting on the surface.

While this comes as welcome news to those frightened by the prospects of global warming, an expert from the porcine research facility at the University of Idaho warned that passage of a budget in the Senate can spawn a plague of avian hogs, whose airborne antics could have unpredictable consequences for the environment.

Staff Didn’t Tell Obama His Yoga Pants Were See-Thru

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Obama's Transparent Yoga Pants Not Noticed at White House

Lululemon Athletica recalled its $98 see-thru yoga pants, but White House staffers said no one noticed that President Obama’s own pair were transparent.

The business world reacted with shock at the recall of a whole season’s worth of trendy $98 Lululemon Athletica yoga pants because the fabric becomes see-thru in some typical yoga positions. However, The White House said President Obama was not aware his own pair of Lululemon pants were transparent because none of his advisers or staff informed him.

“We thought the new yoga outfit was beautiful, exquisite, magnificent — and we told the president so,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “We knew it was made of the finest cloth, very expensive, and Lululemon is a hot brand. Frankly, we wondered why one young intern was snickering, but who were we to suggest that the president’s new clothes were virtually invisible?”

The White House cancelled a public appearance scheduled for early next week, when the president and First Lady were slated to read a Hans Christian Andersen story at a school, and then to lead a group of obese children in yoga exercises.

Cyprus to be Auctioned Off at EU Sheriff’s Sale

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Cyprus to Be Auctioned at Sheriff's Sale

Someone’s going to pick up a “sweet bargain” next week when the island nation of Cyprus hits the auction block at the EU Sheriff’s sale.

The island nation of Cyprus will be sold to the highest bidder next week at a sheriff’s sale, according to a spokesman from the European Union Sheriff’s Office.

The insolvent Republic of Cyprus simply could not raise the billions of Euros needed to satisfy its obligations, so the entire island in the eastern Mediterranean Sea will go on the block and be snapped up by the highest bidder.

“It’s really a lovely country,” said an unnamed deputy sheriff, “and it’s a shame they couldn’t hold onto it. But somebody’s going to pick up a sweet bargain.”

The day before the auction, Cyprus will hold a yard sale to unload furniture, appliances, vehicles and household knick-knacks to “clear the place out for the new owner.”

Obama Threatens to Rescind Endorsement of China

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Chinese Premier Li Keqiang

New Chinese Premier Li shows off the “hand” of government that he says must pull back from the economy so the hand of the markets can prevail. President Obama rebuked Li for “sounding more like Adam Smith than John Maynard Keynes.”

President Obama today threatened to revoke previous praise of the Communist Chinese government in the wake of Sunday remarks by new Chinese Premier Li Keqiang about a “’hand’ mistakenly attached to the state that needed to be returned to the market.”

In order to reach its goal of 7.5 percent sustained annual economic growth, Mr. Li said, China will need to cut government power in what he called “a self-imposed revolution” that will be “very painful and even feel like cutting one’s wrist.”

The White House immediately distanced the president from the Chinese leader’s remarks, noting that “Premier Li has failed to learn from the mistakes of the past that led to America’s humiliating prosperity, which President Obama has work hard to overcome.”

In Obama’s 2011 State of the Union speech, and at other times, he praised the Chinese government for aggressively investing in high-speed rail, solar power and computing technology. He has also spoken longingly of the Asian giant’s system of government, noting that it would be easier to be the president of China.

“If the new Chinese premier continues to reverse course, and head in the opposite direction that I’m leading the United States,” Obama reportedly said, “that could prove counter-productive to Sino-American relations, and frankly, will reduce the esteem with which I have viewed that great nation.”

Obama: $2B Won’t Kill Every Oil Job, But It’s a Start

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Obama thanks federal researcher for his devotion to killing petroleum jobs

President Obama thanks a federal researcher who’s working to eliminate every last job in the petroleum industry. However, since job-killing research is funded by oil-drilling leases, it’s crucial that the industry keep growing until such jobs are completely eradicated.

President Obama Friday pressed Congress to spend $2 billion on his dream to eliminate hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of jobs in the petroleum industry. However, he acknowledged that federal research on such job-killing will cost much more, and unfortunately, many oil industry workers could remain employed for years to come.

“In a down economy like this,” Obama said, “it’s difficult to get enough funding to kill as many jobs as we would like. But $2 billion is a start, and is sure to move many people out of the filthy petroleum business and onto the government entitlement payroll where they won’t do near as much to contribute to global climate change.”

The president said years of federal funding on job-killing research has “led us to the precipice of a major breakthrough that would rapidly eliminate entire industries that have created America’s embarrassing prosperity.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Office of Management and Budget explained that the president’s plan pays for eliminating jobs in the petroleum industry through federal oil and gas leases on off-shore drilling, “so it’s important that the industry remain vibrant until it’s completely gone.”

Higgs Boson Found, But Some Angry at God Particle

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Higgs Boson likely discovered at Europe's Large Hardon Collider

Scientists urge the public to simply accept the existence of the Higgs Boson — the God particle — but not to blame it for “all the terrible stuff that happens to you. Most of that is your fault, or caused by jerks.”

Scientists from Europe’s Large Hadron Collider Thursday announced a high degree of certainty that they have discovered the elusive Higgs Boson, the so-called God particle, but not everyone believes, and many are angry at it.

While the news was greeted with joy by many scientists around the world, others expressed rage, disappointment and bitterness toward the God particle.

“What has the God particle ever done for me?” said one physics grad student at MIT. “If it does exist, but doesn’t care enough to fix my messed up life, what good is it?”

Others were even more harsh in their reaction, accusing the Higgs Boson of actively working to scuttle their plans, to close doors of opportunity and to cheat them out of satisfying romantic relationships.

Obama: Sasha & Malia Deserve Massive Debt Burden

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President Obama shares parenting tips with ABC's George Stephanopolous. "We're loving but firm," Obama said. "Sasha and Malia know that disobeying your parents has consequences. When they push us too far, Michelle or I will just tell them, "That's it. No more American Dream for you."

President Obama shares parenting tips with ABC’s George Stephanopolous. “We’re loving but firm,” Obama said. “Sasha and Malia know that disobeying your parents has consequences. When they push us too far, Michelle or I will just tell them, “That’s it. No more American Dream for you.”

President Obama on Tuesday told ABC’s George Stephanopolous that Americans should not feel sorry that their children will be stuck with more than $16 trillion in debt, noting that: “I have two teenage girls. I know how it is. They can get a little mouthy and disrespectful sometimes.”

“Sasha and Malia are getting to that age where they think they know everything,” Mr. Obama said. “So Michelle and I have made a decision as parents to, you know, if they’re so smart — let them figure out how to pay down the national debt.”

The Obamas have experimented with a variety of discipline methods from ‘time out’, to grounding, to taking away electronic devices for a few hours, but the president said, “Nothing we’ve tried has the lasting effects of a lifetime of crushing tax rates, crumbling infrastructure and bankrupt entitlement programs. We call it ‘tough love’.”

The president said he’s tired of Republicans talking like the next generation is “a bunch of little angels who never disobey, and who need to be protected from the consequences of their misbehavior.”

“If the kids can’t obey their parents,” Obama said, “maybe they can do without the America dream for a generation or two. That’ll teach them.”

The president added that when Sasha and Malia complain about this form of discipline, he and the First Lady, say, ‘If you think we’re harsh, wait until you’re living under Chinese communist rules’.”

Obama May Pick ‘Sunny Susan’ Rice as Security Adviser

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Obama May Pick Susan Rice as National Security Adviser

‘Sunny Susan’ Rice seen in this file photo after Republicans effectively ended her prospects for the Secretary of State nomination. She told associates it happened, “Because they were afraid they’d never find another U.N. Ambassador as terrific as me.”

U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice, looks like the top candidate to become President Obama’s National Security Adviser, according to The Washington Post, because Obama likes her positive, “sunny” approach to global affairs.

Republicans effectively blocked Rice’s appointment as Secretary of State after she made a talkshow tour claiming the deadly embassy attack in Benghazi, Libya, was a mere anti-American protest that got out of hand, rather than a coordinated Muslim terrorist attack.

Since then, from her post at the United Nations, Rice has quietly kept the president informed about world events, including notifying Obama that…

  • North Korean nuclear detonation tests were really just Mentos and Diet Coke experiments that got out of hand.
  • Syrian president Bashar Assad’s brutal crackdown in dissident rebels is, in fact, an attempt by Assad to put rebels in ‘time out’, that went awry, and
  • Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez will soon recover from his battle with mortality, so he can resume his campaign to restore individual liberty, integrity and democracy to his people.

The White House has also received assurances that as National Security Adviser, Rice would not use global crises where American lives are in jeopardy as an excuse to spoil Obama’s “downtime.”

Facebook Redesign Mimics Newspaper, Delivered Daily

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Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced yesterday that the social site’s new interface will look more like a newspaper, in response to user nostalgia over the papers they no longer subscribe to at home.

“Not only will it look like a newspaper,” said Zuckerberg, “but starting next week, Facebook will be delivered to you once each day.”

The young billionaire predicted that daily Facebook delivery would increase GDP in the U.S. and other nations by up to 11 percent, since the current 24/7 non-stop streaming interface is “an addictive, soul-sapping time-suck that kills worker productivity.”

Zuckerberg said users of the Facebook mobile app — for iDevices and Android — will soon get “the most realistic newspaper experience ever” when the firm rolls out its “virtual ink” version, with type that actually rubs off on your fingers when you swipe the screen.

Facebook to Mimic Newspaper

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said people miss the newspapers they cancelled years ago, so he’s changing the social site’s interface to be more “Victorian.”